


Goodbye Agony (An Andy Biersack Fanfiction)

by quarterhorse552



Category: Black Veil Brides
Genre: Andy Biersack - Freeform, Andy Black - Freeform, Black Veil Brides - Freeform, Blood, F/M, Horses, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Miscarriage, Near Death, Self-Harm, Sex, Smut, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-27 10:47:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 49
Words: 84,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30121581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quarterhorse552/pseuds/quarterhorse552
Summary: After her best friend killed herself, Kayley turns to self harm to keep her mind off the emotional pain. Now she pushes away any chances she has of getting better. But when she runs into BVB after a concert, Andy wants to change that. (Sorry I suck at summaries XD)**Completed, but will be editing**
Relationships: Andy Biersack/Original Female Character(s)





	1. Prolog

**Author's Note:**

> This was the first fanfic I wrote, not my best work but I like to read through it and see my own progress as a writer! I plan on editing it some point soon. I also have some more material for this, including a part 2, some chapters in Andy's POV, and some other stuff that I am debating publishing here as well.  
> I am copying this from my wattpad because of their new restrictions

Amber and I got out of the truck, and Laura, my trainer, turned off the engine. Today is the last day before the horses that are left get sent to a slaughter house and the next bunch of horses will come in tomorrow. There's already another trailer in the parking lot that says 'Sunshine Equine Rescue' on the side that will probably save a couple horses. I already know which one I want; a sorrel quarter horse gelding that looked so much like the horse I learned to ride on. I knew it wasn't him, though, he was in his 30's when I started riding, and that was 12 years ago. Laura had tried to convince me not to get my first horse at a place like this where you know almost nothing about the horse when you buy it, but when I saw him, I couldn't help myself. I couldn't let this horse end up in a can of dog food.

When we walk in, I see him tied to the wall with all the other desperate looking horses. As me, Amber, and Laura start walking past the horses, a dark bay mare starts viciously snapping and kicking at the mare next to her in an attempt to get her hay, and the second one squeals, desperately trying to get away from her, but the chain wouldn't let her move away any further.

Seeing this, Amber looked heartbroken. It's hard not to show your emotions in a place like this. It's so filthy and unfair. The only reason I asked her to come was because I didn't want to leave her at her house where no one would protect her from herself. I was hoping that maybe my new horse would help her get over everything.

She looks down and keeps walking with us. Me and Laura were looking over the gelding for any obvious health issues when a man walks over to talk to us.

"$400 for this one. He hasn't shown any signs of lameness since we got him." That doesn't really mean much. They only keep the horses for a week, and they would say anything to get you to buy one.

I was asking the horse to pick up a hoof when I hear Amber next to me saying that she was going to look around. I know she is going to go back to see that mare.

"Ok. Be careful around these horses, you don't know what they're like," I say, feeling the horse's hoof for any heat.

Laura and I finish looking him over. We decide that he was probably in his late teens or early twenties, and his hind legs are a little stiff. He could also use a couple more pounds, but so does every other horse here. "I want to go look at that mare Amber likes," I told Laura.

Amber was standing to the mare's right, where the horse who was there was probably already sold. The dark bay to the left had taken her hay. She is a cute little grey horse, and she was obviously enjoying the attention.

When Amber sees us, she gives me a sad smile. As I get closer, I begin to notice the scars covering the mare, and not just from being attacked by the bay next to her. There is a look in the horse's eyes that shows that she is begging to be saved from this horrible place that just melts my heart.

"300," The man following us says simply.

"I'll take her," I answer him, reaching for the money I had in my pocket. Laura shoots me a look, but I don't care. I had barely looked at the horse, but it doesn't matter. I would have taken her anyways. Amber's emotions have been so dulled by all the tragedies in her life that it is almost impossible to get her to feel anything but self pity. Seeing what she feels for the poor mare, I just can't help it. I hand the man the money.

"Thank you. Would you like help getting her on the trailer?" He asks, checking to make sure I gave him enough.

"No thanks, I got it," I say. I shake his hand and unclipped the horse's halter from the chain on the wall and attach my red lead line. The mare flinches at every little noise, but walks quietly next to me out the big door to the trailer.

Laura undoes the door on the trailer. She looks annoyed. "Why did I even bother driving you here? I knew you were going to ignore anything I said. You hardly even looked at this horse!" She keeps talking, but I ignore her.

"Amber, can you get a bucket and the water we brought?" I ask. She nods and disappears into the dressing room of the trailer. The mare would probably like some clean water. She comes back with a red water bucket and one of the milk cartons I filled with water before we left and pours it into the bucket. It only fills a quarter of the bucket, and she drinks it quickly.

"I'll get the other one," Amber says. I only brought two gallons, and she drinks the other one just as fast. I hadn't noticed any water for the horses inside, but they probably only took them down this morning because today was the horses' last chance. There were only four or five more horses left in there, including the poor sorrel, but at least 30 spots for the horses, and they couldn't even bother to separate this mare and the other one so they wouldn't fight.

"You'll get more water when we get home, pony, sorry I didn't bring more..." I say to her, walking her towards the trailer ramp. She puts one foot on the ramp, but jumps back and plants her feet on the ground, ready to win a game of tug-o-war. If she doesn't like trailers, the ride home would feel like a lot more than two hours.

"Can I?" Amber asks.

I hesitate. Amber isn't really experienced with horses, and I don't know what this mare would do, but I know I can't say no. "Okay."

Amber takes the lead rope from me and walks the horse in a small circle, talking to her quietly. She walks onto the trailer holding the line loosely and the horse follows her without questioning.

I know I was right about buying this horse, they were going to be able to get into each other's heads and help each other out a lot.


	2. Chapter 2

Amber and I are in my living room, sitting next to each other on the couch. I'm 21 years old, and Amber is 20. I got my own place about two years ago with enough room for four horses in the back yard. 

It's March 9th, 2014. Exactly one year since Angel died.

Angel helped Amber, even though she hadn't stopped cutting completely when we got her, she did cut less often. After she died, though, she went back, and continued to get worse. Her parents had gotten divorced. Her dad doesn't care about anything but his new wife now, so she 'lives' with her mom. Her mom always believes her when she says she's fine, despite my attempts to tell her what was going on. Her older brother comes home drunk now and gets into huge arguments with their mom. He used try to comfort her and her little brother when their parents were fighting.

Amber is telling me what she had done that week. It's so hard to listen. If I tell her to get help or to stop or anything like that, she would avoid me for as long as possible. If I get mad at her, she will just get worse. If I tell her that it's hurting me, she'll avoid me, thinking it helps me not to see her.

So I just listen.

I do my best to distract her. I try to leave her alone as little as possible. She practically lives with me because home is just too much stress. And no one there keeps an eye on her.

All she lets me do to help is listen to her telling me what she has done to herself once a week.

She ran out of medication a couple months ago and told her mom she didn't need it anymore.

She believed her.

And Amber got worse.

"...I gave myself some stitches..." She is saying.

Yeah, she does that, too, so we don't have to go to the hospital. She's gotten way too good at treating herself so she doesn't have to get help. I don't know when she ever gets the time to do this stuff anymore. I hardly ever leave her alone.

Of course, being a huge hypocrite, I had to try cutting myself, too. Listening to Amber saying how much it helps her, I couldn't help it after Angel died. I only make small, shallow cuts on my legs, and it's hardly ever more than once a week.

Amber stops talking. She is done for now. "What do you want for dinner?" I ask her.

"I'm not hungry."

"You have to eat something," I say carefully. She shakes her head and I sigh. She is so fragile, and I can't do anything about it.

"I'm going to go home tonight," she says. She usually wants to go home after talking to me about this, but I don't want her to today. No one will watch her, and she might try something...

Last week, she got a phone call from her mom saying that her older brother had died in a car crash. As much as she avoided him when his drinking got bad, she still cared about her brother. Nothing ever goes right for Amber.

I found her in the kitchen when I woke up the morning after she got the news with some water and a bottle of Advil she must have taken from home, because I don't keep any sort of medication in my house, just in case. I was able to take them from her.

I don't want her to go home. "Are you sure? Don't you want to go for a trail ride or something?"

"No thanks." She gets up and goes to her room to get some things to bring home with her. She comes back wearing her favorite jacket, carrying her string bag. I look at it, knowing what was in it.

"You don't want to leave your stuff here? Aren't you coming back tomorrow?"

"It's fine," she says, walking out the door and closing it behind her before I can say anything else.

I sigh and take out my cell phone to call Amber's mom, my hands shaking slightly. I know she won't believe me, but I'm ready to have another argument with her.


	3. Chapter 3

It's March 7th, 2015. My friend Lizzy and I are waiting by the tour bus outside the venue like the crazy fan girls we are. I've always loved Black Veil Brides, but Amber never did, so I never went to a concert because I didn't want to leave her alone. This is my first time. Since Amber killed herself, I had gotten a lot worse, too. I haven't told anyone, though, because I don't want to hurt anyone else the way she did to me.

It's almost midnight when they finally walk out to talk to the fans out here. I don't scream. I don't think I have ever screamed in my life, actually. I just don't for some reason.

Lizzy and I are the last ones left by 4 AM. The guys are so nice, they're probably exhausted, but they stay out here to talk to their fans all night. Well, except for Ashley, he walked out with some blonde chick and went right on the bus...But they don't have another show until the 11th, so we can talk to them for a few more days, right?

Jake and CC finally say that they are going to take a nap on the bus. "Good luck with that, Ashley's not usually good at being quiet," Andy said and we laughed.

About an hour later, Jinxx leaves too. "So do you guys live around here?" Andy asks.

"Yeah. There's a park with some hiking trails not too far from here, and there's a gate to it right in my backyard," I say.

"Yeah, I keep my horse at her barn," Lizzy adds.

"You guys have horses? That's cool."

"Yeah, I have a horse named Chance and she has a big horse named Bailey!" Lizzy says, excited.

"She's not that much bigger than your horse," I say to Lizzy.

"So what's the name of the park? Jake likes hiking, and we're going to be around here for a few days," he says, taking out his phone. "Crap, it's dead." He looks toward the bus. There is just one light on towards the front of the bus. "I don't want to wake them up, so why don't I just give you my number and you can text me?"

"Ok!" I answer excitedly, taking out my phone.

"Aww, mine died while I was taking videos!" Lizzy says, disappointed. Andy gives me his number and I save it quickly and send him the name of the park, even though his phone is dead.

It's about 5:30 AM when their manager finally comes out to say they have to leave. They probably don't have to, they just do that so they aren't stuck talking to fans for days. We start walking back to my car.

We get in the car, and Lizzy says "HOLY. SHIT. YOU JUST GOT ANDY BIERSACK'S NUMBER!!"

"It's probably fake," I say, half to myself so I won't be disappointed if he doesn't answer.

\-----

We get back to my house and I check my phone. It's March 8th. It's still early, but I ask Lizzy if she could feed the horses before she goes home so I can take a nap. She goes out the back door and I walk to the bathroom to wash the warpaint off. I open the cabinet and take out the little blade I took out of a pencil sharpener. I roll up my left sleeve. I'm left handed, so it's easier for me to cut my right arm, but there wasn't really any room left there. I was leaning over the sink, about to cut an empty spot on my forearm, but then realize...

I just got home from a concert, where I met the guys in my favorite band, and I got Andy Biersack's phone number.

And I was about to cut myself for it?

Would it be that bad for me to skip it once?

I sigh, and force myself to put it back in the cabinet, closing the sliding mirror door over it. It had been about 16 hours since the last time I cut myself, so it was pretty hard to put that back, but I feel like I don't have a right to do that after a night like that. It's just habit at this point.

I roll down my sleeve and look in the mirror again to make sure I got all the paint off. I used acrylic because I don't use makeup, so I didn't have any eyeliner or anything to use instead, so my face is red where the paint had been. I walk out of the bathroom and Lizzy is just coming back inside.

"They're fed. I might come back to ride later, if you want to go on trail," she offers from the living room down the hall, so I start walking back over there to wait for her to leave.

"Sure, if I'm awake by then," I answer, smiling, and put my hands in my pockets.

"K. Do you have any Aspirin? I have a headache."

"No, sorry, I don't take Aspirin," I answer, tensing at the thought. At first, I tried not to keep any sort of medication in my house for Amber, but now I do it to try not to tempt myself.

Lizzy looks at me a little weirdly, but I pretended not to notice. "Ok. I'm going home, then. See ya!" she says, walking out the front door.

"Thanks!" I call after her, and walk back to my bedroom.

I set the alarm on my phone for 11:30 AM just in case I'm not up. I don't know why I bother; I can hardly sleep for more than three hours without waking up crying from nightmares anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

I wake up with tears on my face. I don't remember most of my dream, just that it was another one about cutting. All I remember from it is a little image of someone trying to roll up my sleeves and me trying to get away from them. I don't remember who it was or where we were or anything else. I usually have the same dreams over and over, but this was a new one.

I check my phone to see the time, and see I have a text from Andy. My eyes open wide. Was it really him? Not just a fake number to make us shut up faster?

'Want 2 go for a walk w/ us l8r?'

He sent it less than a minute ago. Maybe that was what woke me up. Either way, I'm happy to be out of that dream world.

'Sure I'm not doing anything 2day' I answer, smiling. I get up and go outside to clean the stalls the horses had been in that night. I guess Lizzy turned them out before she left, too. I finish them in less than 20 minutes, and then refill their water buckets and give them each a little more hay to keep them busy.

I go back inside and start making myself some vegan-friendly pancakes to try to distract myself. I've been vegetarian since 6th grade and I wanted to switch to vegan when I got my own place, but I liked having as many of Amber's favorite foods in my house as I could to try to get her to eat more, so I've only been vegan for seven or eight months.

Anyways, it's been a while since I've cut myself. Cutting is like any other addiction. Eventually, you don't need a reason for it, you just have to do it. If you don't, it's hard to focus on anything else but what you're missing, and there is nothing you can do about it but try to distract yourself, but the more time that goes by, the harder it is to ignore it. It's so easy to be reminded of it, too. All you have to do is look at simple objects like a pencil sharpener or scissors or a thumbtack, or see yourself in the mirror while your changing, and you remember what your trying not to do and how good it feels. I don't get why it's so bad to cut yourself anymore, really. It helps you get out your stress or anger or sadness or whatever other emotions you might be feeling. It's not physically hurting anyone else. If I can deal with having scars, what's the problem with it? I mean, if someone really feels that hopeless and useless, taking away that one thing that helps distract them from their emotional pain isn't going to make them any better, anyways. And I would much rather deal with physical than emotional pain.

My thoughts are interrupted by my phone whistling. It's Andy.

'Around 10?'

'Sure I'll meet u by the gate :)'

I finish making the pancakes and eat two. I cover the other three with foil and put them in the refrigerator. I have about 25 minutes if I'm going to walk to the main gate. I know I should brush my teeth and get changed. I'm still wearing the clothes from last night. I don't really want to risk going in my room or my bathroom...

I decide to go to the bathroom first. I make it out intact.

I go to my room and take out jeans and a light sweatshirt that says 'Boss Mare' on it. I'm able to change my pants, but when I take off my fake-leather jacket, I'm just wearing a BVB t-shirt, and I find myself staring at my arms. I can't help it. I go to my desk and pick up a thumbtack to pick open a scab on my right arm. The pain so easily distracts me from the real world. The blood drips down my arm, over other scabs and scars, down my fingers, and onto the desk. It wasn't a bad cut. I mean, it wasn't even a cut. Picking open scabs doesn't feel the same as cutting untouched skin, so I tell myself that it's ok to do anything that isn't going to give me more scars than I already have whenever I feel guilty about it. I know I'm wrong, but it's too hard to stop now. It's not like I'm hurting anyone but myself by doing this, so I don't see what the big deal is.

I take some tissues from the box and clean the blood off my arm and the desk. I take them to the bathroom and flush them down the toilet so nobody sees them. Not that anyone really comes in my house, but I want to at least try to make things less obvious just in case. I take a Band-Aid out of the 'medicine' cabinet. I don't usually use them, but I have to leave soon and I don't want to risk bleeding through my sweatshirt or letting blood drip down to my hands or something. So I go back to my room and finish getting ready.

I go out the back gate into the park, and start the short walk to the main gate. It's pretty warm for March. I start thinking. I know how that always goes, though, so I take out my phone to play music. I forgot my earbuds, so I just play the songs out loud and hum along.

I get to the gate and look at my phone. It's 9:56. I turn off the music and when I look up, I realize they're already here. It's just three of them. Andy and Ashley are leaning against the fence and Jake is trying to lock the gate. I'm surprised they were even able to get it open, it has so many weird extra clips on it from being broken so many times. I stuff my hands in my sweatshirt pocket and smile.

I go over to lock the gate. Someone raps their arms around my stomach from behind. I gasp in surprise and I drop the chain and clip I was about to clip together, but I don't pull away. I'm not used to touch. I usually avoid people as much as I can, and even more so touch.

"You ticklish or something?" The deep voice says in my ear, chuckling.

Ticklish? Do you think that's what people do when they're ticklish? Of course he knows that's not it, right?

I'm aware of how tense I am. I should move away, but I can't. It's not a familiar feeling, but it is still comforting. I guess it's supposed to feel that way.

I pick up the clip again and put it on the chain. Oh yeah, he asked me a question. I guess I got distracted...

Ugh, what am I doing? I force myself to answer and turn around to face him. "No," I say defiantly, but can't help smiling. And I get distracted again as his blue eyes meet mine. What's happening? This didn't happen when I was talking to him last night. That was only, like 5 hours ago, wasn't it? I've never really felt strongly towards a person I've just met, that can't be what I'm feeling now, that doesn't just happen for the first time after being alive for 22 years, right? I'm probably just tired. And there's no way that Andy could be feeling that way, either. Even if I do like Andy more than the way fangirls love their saviours, there's no way that could happen.

I don't realize I'm staring until Jake clears his throat awkwardly. I quickly step back, away from Andy's grip, and look down at the ground, blushing. He chuckles quietly again.

 _Asshole_ , I think. He probably did that on purpose. He probably gets that a lot. Fangirls that 'fall in love' with him. And now I'm just another one of them. "Let's go," I mutter.


	5. Chapter 5

It's weird how yesterday, they were gods, and today, they're just people. Yesterday, I was a total fangirl, and today, I'm myself. Well, I guess that's a lie, I'm still fangirling. But I'm one of those fangirls that look like they're trying to act all cool and stuff. Really, I just don't know how to show my emotions, I guess, because what else do people do when they see their heroes besides scream, anyways?

Anyways, I'm not a very social person. I'm that person that would rather deal with the awkward silence than carry out my side of the conversation. I don't talk unless someone asks me a question. I don't talk whenever it's possible. And I don't have many friends because of it. I always thought I would grow out of it, but it only got worse. When I do talk to new people, I'm usually pretty defensive, too. The people I make friends with are the kinds of people that are willing to sit down with me one on one and force me to talk until I'm comfortable enough to show myself. And they're the kind of people that can get inside your head. So I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have, I get attached to. I try not to make friends, now. The fewer people I have in my life, the better.

So when I say I'm being myself, that's what I mean. I'm being a social retard that most people would try to avoid.

So Andy, Ashley and Jake are talking to each other for the most part, except for occasionally asking for directions because I have a habit of always walking behind everyone else.

"So what do you do?" Andy asked, looking back at me, bringing me back to reality.

"What?" I say instinctively.

"Your job, career, ya know."

'Why do you care?' I want to say, but realize I'm getting too defensive. Well, what do I say, than? I don't have any sort of real job. I scrape by on the little I can make with Chance's board, riding lessons, pony rides, or occasional odd jobs. I can barely afford food for my horse, let alone myself. "Horses are pretty much my life," I finally decide to say. Andy had dropped back to walk next to me while Ashley and Jake hardly seemed to notice I was even there. They really are self centered rock stars.

Andy nods. The kind of nod people give when they didn't really care about the question they asked you. He waits a couple seconds before asking "so when do I get to meet them?"

"What?" I say again.

"These horses, when do I get to meet them?"

"I only have one that's actually mine, the other one is Lizzy's." I'm getting defensive again.

"Lizzy is your friend's name. I never got yours," Andy says. He's been so calm since he started talking, and he's barely looked at me.

I guess I never did tell him my name. Not that it matters to him, really.

"Kayley," I say finally. I don't know why that was such a hard question. Maybe it's just because I don't talk to too many new people anymore, but it feels like I'm giving him a part of me, even if it is just my name.

"Well I'm Andy," he says. I smile.

"Like I didn't know that." I'm not usually sarcastic until I get to know the person. Or I'm just being a bitch.

"I know, we just never really formally introduced ourselves." He says with a smirk. Finally, he shows some sort of emotion. Well, without including by the gate, but I'm going to pretend that never happened.

I'm quiet again, back to myself, until he asks again; "so, you never told me when I could meet them."

My phone starts ringing. Thank God for the interruption. I look and it's my mom. I don't really want to talk to her now, around other people, so I'm just sort of looking at my phone. Of course Andy notices.

"I'm not listening," he says, sounding a little amused. Really, you want me to take a phone call from my mom in the middle of the woods with three guys around me? The look on his face makes me want to prove wrong whatever thought he has in his head about that, though, so I slow my pace and answer the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey honey, how are you?"

The conversation drones on and all I really say is 'Ok' until she says

"Me and your dad want to come visit you tomorrow."

Uh, no you don't. Well, you do, or at least that's what you think. But my mom will be able to tell something is up. She wants to make sure I'm ok, because she knows what tomorrow is. As much as I love my family, I can't see them. I don't want to hurt them. I've been able to avoid them for the last couple months, where I've been the worst. Even on Christmas, I told them I was too sick to see them and pretended I was asleep when they tried to come over to give me my presents. I mailed them mine.

"I'm busy tomorrow, actually, Mom," I say instinctively.

"Oh. Doing what?" She asks, sounding hurt, but I know it's fake. She knows I'm lying.

"I'm having company tomorrow." Fuck, what am I getting myself into?

"Oh, that's ok, no reason we can't come too than!" She says almost forcefully and I know she hung up. All I can say right now is fuck. And of course Andy notices. He drops back again to walk next to me.

"You ok?" He asks. Calmly, like usual.

I guess I can tell him, right? Everyone lies to their parents..."My mom wants to come over tomorrow, so I told her I was already having company so she wouldn't come, but it didn't stop her." I say, fake laughing.

"Well, you never did tell me when I could meet your horses." We had been walking for a while, and we were going in a big circle, so we were going to pass my house soon. I check the time. It's 1:09. Really? I know we were out for a while, but I didn't think it would be over three hours. I still don't answer. As much as I look up to him, I don't want to just let people into my life like that. So I'm quiet.

We walk past my yard and Bailey whinnies to me. She always does when she sees me, and it's sweet and I love it, but I really wish she hadn't just now. Andy looks towards her. I'm glad he doesn't say anything, though.

All too soon, we're at the main gate. I unlock it and there's a car pulled over next to it. I guess they got a rental car instead of driving around the bus.

"You guys can go, I have to piss," Andy says. Lovely way of putting it, Andy. He looks at me, probably for the first time since we left this morning. "Mind if I go back to your house?" He asks.

"You don't want us to wait?" Jake asks.

"I'm good," he replies, looking back at them. Ashley winks and they go to the car.

Fuck. I lock the gate and realize my hands are shaking. Fuck. The car drives away. Fuck. I take a deep breath to try to calm myself. I stuff my shaking hands in my pockets again. I can't turn around.

I hear him chuckling. Are you serious? I spin around to face him. I'm not scared or nervous now, I'm pissed. "Ashley is just joking, ya know," he says, still smirking.

I don't know how to show emotions anymore. I usually just cut myself to get them out. I'm usually by myself.

"So you think you're coming back to my house?" I say, controlling my anger.

"Well either that or I guess I'm walking back to the hotel." I just stare at him for a minute.

I start walking home and he follows behind me.


	6. Chapter 6

I open the gate to my yard and Bailey whinnies again. I close it behind Andy, and turn around, looking at the ground. It's after the horses' usual lunch time, so I should feed them, and I usually clean their paddocks, too. It's not like I'm going to change that just because Andy's here. I didn't even invite him.

I grab some hay and bring it out for them, and than get a wheelbarrow and pitchfork. I clean Chance's paddock, and bring the wheelbarrow to Bailey's. Andy's just leaning against the fence, watching with a cigarette. As my back is turned to close the gate, I feel Bailey's warm breath on my neck and she nibbles on my hood gently. She's probably the only horse in the world that would rather play than eat. Usually I try to ignore her until I'm done doing whatever it is I'm doing, so I finish cleaning with her holding the hood of my sweatshirt and following me around the entire time. I take the wheelbarrow out of the paddock, dump it in the dumpster, and go back to play with Bailey. I slip back into her paddock under the fence, and she walks over slowly, her ears straight up. She just sniffs me.

She pushes me playfully and trots away happily. I can't help but laugh. She picks up the green ball by the handle and runs and bucks with it. She can always make me feel better. She plays like a little puppy. I've taught her to play keep away with the ball, or pretty much whatever object is closest to her. I chase her around, laughing at myself.

She notices I'm getting tired, so she walks over and drops the ball at my feet. It brings tears to my eyes, knowing that someone cares enough to notice every little thing about me, even if she isn't human.

She turns to the gate and looks at me, expecting me to take her out. I usually ride at around this time and she knows the schedule. I look back at Andy, who I forgot was even there until now. He just gives me a little smile, so I open the gate for Bailey. I didn't put a halter on her or anything, she's fine without one. She trots out the gate and into the little riding ring, and waits by the fence. I climb to the top of the fence and swing myself onto her back. She's a big horse, I usually like smaller horses, but when I found out about her, I couldn't help myself, and I'm glad to have saved her.

She does everything I ask her to, and she is always careful to take care of the person on her back. We easily jump the two foot vertical I left set up, and I let her walk to cool off a little. We walk outside the ring and I let her wander around with me on her back. She's smart enough to have never tried walking into the barn with someone on her, like almost every horse tries at least once. Of course, she finds her way over to Andy because she loves people. She breathes on his hands and he pets her forehead gently. I always find it funny how people who don't know horses think they have to be so gentle with them, even though they weight 10 times as much as people.

"This is Bailey," I say fondly.

He looks up at me. "She's huge. Don't fall off, you're not wearing a helmet," he scolded teasingly.

I can't help but smile. "She's one of the most well behaved horses I've ever met, I'm fine." I realize that to someone who doesn't know horses, she might not look like it. She was just running and bucking and pushing me. "She knows what every person can handle, so she knows she can play around like that with me."

He smiles. I tell Bailey to walk back to her paddock and hop off. I rub under her mane and give her neck a hug before leaving and closing her gate. I walk to the barn to get her a treat and she goes to the other side of the paddock closest to the barn, and waits.

The barn is set up with a big door at both ends of the isle, but I usually keep one or both closed when it's cold or raining. There are three stalls on one side of the isle, and on the other side, there is one stall and a big tack room. I only have two horses, so I keep hay in the other two stalls and in the tack room if I still have more that won't fit in the stalls. I have a hay loft above the barn, but it's a lot of work to get them up there and I have room down here, so yeah. I go through about one and a half bales a day, and I only have 6 left. I like to go upstate to get hay because it's a lot cheaper there, and I don't like having it delivered because they usually don't give you as many as you pay for. I'm gonna have to go up there soon.

Why couldn't I have told Mom that was why she couldn't come over? Why didn't I say anything else that would have actually kept them from coming over? Ugh, I'm so bad at making things up on the spot.

I get a mint from the tack room and bring it out for Bailey. I ask her to smile and she puts up her head and curls her lip. I laugh and give her the treat, and she licks my fingers clean to make sure she didn't miss anything.

"How long have you had her?" Andy asks, walking up next to me and standing to my right.

"Only two years." I don't like to talk. I always answer questions, but never explain or anything.

He's figured that much out by now, so he asks "where did you get her from?"

I hate thinking about her past. It's amazing she trusts people as much as she does, and I can't think of any reason why anyone would do that to her, so I hesitate before saying "I rescued her..." I force myself to tell a shortened version of her story. "A girl owned her, but she had cancer, and when she died, her mother took her anger out on the horse. By the time anyone did anything about it, she was 300 pounds underweight. She was going to go to a kill shelter, but I bought her from the guy who was going to take her there." I blink back the tears that come every time I have to think about the scared, scrawny horse following me off the trailer. I look at the ground and put my now shaking hands in my pockets.

I was hoping it wasn't obvious, but Andy puts his arm around me and rubs my left arm. I tense up, but he doesn't back off. "Sorry I bought it up."

"I can't change the past. She's happy now, I shouldn't be upset about it," I say, feeling slightly angry now instead of upset because he noticed what I was trying to hide, even if I was doing a crappy job. I know I shouldn't be mad at him for apologizing or upset for saving Bailey.

"Should we go inside?" He asks, ignoring the little bit of anger I probably didn't hide in my voice. And now I'm scared again and still shaking.

"You mean...in my house?" I ask nervously.

"Mhm. Calm down," He answers, laughing a little.

He doesn't act like he wants sex, he just said so before, after the guys drove away, right? But I can't help but get nervous about going in my house with him. I'm a virgin, and as much as I might adore him, I would like to stay that way right now. I finally answer him. "Uh, sure, I guess."

He slides his hand gently down my arm, across my back, and into my right hand. We walk up to the back door of my house with our fingers intertwined.

I really hope I didn't just agree to anything that's going to get me in trouble.


	7. Chapter 7

I open the door and throw my keys on the kitchen table, which is right by the back door. "So where's the bathroom? I still have to pee," Andy says.

Oops, I thought he was just saying that. "Oh, sorry, it's the last door on the right." My house is small. It's only one floor and a basement. The back door lets you into the kitchen and the front door is in the living room. There's no walls separating these two rooms. There's a hallway with the stairs to the basement, a closet, and a bathroom on the right and the desk room at the end. There's two rooms on the left. The second one is my bedroom. The first one was supposed to be a guest room, but it pretty much turned into Amber's room. I haven't been able to go in there yet, and it's been almost a year.

I keep all the doors closed. When I was little, I never really liked when people did that, but now I find a sort of comfort in it, even if I am living alone.

Andy lets go of my hand and goes down the hall. I immediately miss his touch, and that's a strange feeling for me.

I sit on the couch and check my emails on my phone and see a new one from a potential boarder. I had posted an ad that said I was looking for a new boarder with one or two horses the other day because I don't have enough money for anything anymore, and I'm dreading having to get more hay. I open the email and there's a picture of an old bay horse and a smiling old man.

'Hi! I am interested in looking at your farm. I retired my horse, Woody, down south a few months ago, but I want to bring him back up here because I miss him so much! He is great around other horses, kids, dogs, anything. I'm just looking for a small, quiet farm with understanding people. I look forward to hearing back from you -Joe'

I start to type out a reply when Andy comes back. He sits to my right on the couch and I ignore him. I finish typing out the message, saying he can come look at the farm any day and I leave my number in case he would rather just call me.

Andy doesn't say anything, and I don't start a conversation. I am trying to ignore how close he is to me, but I don't want to move away from him. I don't know why. I've never had this problem before, and I don't like it. He takes my right hand out of my pocket and holds it in his again. He looks down at our hands.

"Why do you always keep your hands in your pockets?" Andy asks.

What? What's that supposed to mean? I need a reason for everything I do? I mean, sometimes I'm trying to hide the fact that I'm shaking, but it's really just a habit. "I don't know."

We sit in silence again. It's a heavy silence, like when you know the other person wants to say something, but they're too scared to say it. But I am enjoying being able to touch another person again.

My phone whistles and I pick it up off my lap with my free hand. It's Lizzy.

'Ok if I stay home 2day?'

I forgot she said she might come back later, and I'm glad she isn't. She wouldn't be happy if she found out I saw the guys and didn't invite her. I like her, but I don't really like anyone like real friends do. I think that part of me got dulled when I lost my only real friend. It keeps me human, thinking she is my friend, though, even if I know I don't have a real friendship with her. I just sort of hang out with her every once in a while outside the barn, like the concert, to keep myself thinking I'm human. I know it's not true, though. The lead singer of her favorite band is in my house, and I'm not going to tell her.

I answer her 'K' and notice it's 3:37. We've just been sitting here. I put the phone, and my left hand, back in my pocket. I'm ok with just sitting here. So I guess that's what we'll do.

"What time is your mom coming tomorrow?" Andy finally breaks the silence.

"I don't know." She hadn't said a time. She just made it clear that she would see me.

"Should I just stay here than?"

"What?" He's inviting himself over not just tomorrow, but for the night?

"So you have 'company.'" He says everything so matter-of-factly it's annoying.

"I can just tell them they left or they're coming later or something." I know that's not true, though, they'll probably get here early and stay late to make sure I'm 'ok.'

"They're not going to stay all day? It doesn't sound like you see them a lot."

Damn it, really? It's like he just read my mind. I don't like the way he can read me so easily and get inside my head. I know I don't want him to leave, though. So I just shrug.

"K. So I'll stay here."

"I don't have anywhere for you to sleep. And I don't have anything alcoholic, if either of those are important for you." It's true.

"I'll live without a drink," he answers.

"What are they gonna say when they see that my 'company' is a guy?" I say, as if he knows.

"You've never had a boyfriend meet your parents?" He says, sounding curious and amused.

...What? He's not saying we should pretend to be dating, is he? "N-No." I've never had a boyfriend, so it's true. I've never wanted one, and my parents know it.

"Well I guess you'll find out." How does he stay so calm and still all the time? My heart is pounding and I know my hands are shaking again. He squeezes my hand. "Too soon?" He smiles.

I'm confused now. Well, no, I'm not. I know he wants to get laid before they have to leave for the next concert. But I don't know why he's trying so hard with me. There are plenty of other girls who would have been happy to help him accomplish that 10 times already. I don't know what to say. So I say "What?"

He looks at my face for the first time since he sat down. He's too close to me and I know it, but my body won't listen to my brain. I'm shaking and numb. I don't know if my body is moving, but if I am, it's not away like it should be. I know I can't let this happen. The more people I let into my life, the more problems I'll end up having to deal with.

Before I even know it, we're kissing. I've never kissed anyone before, but the closeness is comforting. I still don't know what's going on, but I realize we're not hold hands anymore. I have my left hand on his arm and my right hand on his shoulder. He has a hand around my waist and his other in my hair. It's an awkward kiss, but I'm an awkward person, so I wouldn't expect differently. My body isn't listening to my brain, so my hands are just pulling him closer, feeling his arms and back, and his hands are moving over my sweatshirt over my back and sides, sending sparks through me everywhere we touch. I'm glad he has enough decency not to move his hands around too much. I don't know if I would be able to bring myself to stop him if he did, anyways. Our tongues explore each other's mouths. I taste the cigarettes. I feel the lip ring.

I don't know how long it has been when a hand starts moving down my right arm and I come back to my senses. I open my eyes, which I hadn't realized were even closed, and pull my face back an inch. I just stare into his beautiful blue eyes. I start shaking again. We're still holding each other, but our hands aren't moving.

What just happened? I meet Andy Biersack, and than I make out with him hours later. My first kiss was Andy Biersack. Of course, my first kiss is at 22 years old, but it's still unbelievable. What do I do now? I just stare at him.

"Why are you shaking?" He whispers.

"It's not like I can control it." Why are we whispering? I feel him smile, and can't help but smile, too.

"So what do you think your parents will say?"

My smile gets bigger as I whisper back. "I guess we'll find out." I make myself get up, because I don't know if I'll be able to stop if I do that again.


	8. Chapter 8

I walk to my room, and I close and lock the door behind me. I don't normally lock doors, but I have to think. I look at myself in the mirror. Why the fuck am I smiling? I just made a big mistake. I can't get attached to anyone, especially Andy Biersack. I have to wake up. And I know how I'm going to do that. I'm to the point where cutting is just something I do, not just when I have a reason to. Most people would be beyond happy right now, but I'm going to cut myself.

I grab the thumbtack on my dresser and roll up my left sleeve. I pick open a scab and barely feel the pain. I watch it bleed, and the blood is slowly dripping down my arm. I wipe it off with a tissue before it falls onto the dresser and throw it in the little garbage can next to the dresser. I keep most of my bandages and stuff in the 'medicine' cabinet in the bathroom, but I put a couple band-aids in the back of one of my drawers, just in case I need them, like now. I really don't like using them, but I don't want to bleed through my sleeve, so I take one out. I throw the wrapper in the garbage and cover it and the bloody tissue with some clean ones and put the thumbtack in the back of the drawer with the band-aids.

Ok, think. So I guess I like Andy. So what? He'll have to leave soon anyways for the next concert. I can't develop any serious feelings for him in a couple days, right? So why not just see how it goes and what it's like? Why not just fuck him now? It's not like it matters if he sees these scars, I'll never see him again.

No, stop, you're doing it again, I think. Start over.

So I guess I like Andy. So far, I've made it pretty obvious, so I can't really say 'I hate you' now, right? So I have to keep liking him, but not let myself like him any more. Just until he leaves. Hopefully he'll go back to the hotel or bus or whatever tomorrow and I won't see him again after that. I know it'll be hard, so how about I tell myself now what's happening and what's not.We're not having sex. I know I can't do that. I'm not stripping in front of him. I can't let him find any cuts when he's touching me, and I'm covered in them. So far, he's been pretty gentle with his hands, surprisingly, even when we were kissing, so I don't think he's really noticed yet. If he starts getting rough, I'll have to wear thicker clothes. No, not if, he will. I should put a thicker sweatshirt on or something right now.

I take a tight long sleeve shirt out and put it on, and put my sweatshirt back on over it. I feel my arm to make sure the scabs aren't obvious.

Ok, what else. I guess that's it. As long as we both keep our clothes on I'm good, right?

I don't know how long I've been in here. I take a deep breath and I'm about to open the door and go back out, but than I realize I don't know what I'm supposed to say or do. I have to figure out what's going on between us, right? And let him know I'm not having sex with him? Those are pretty awkward, though. But I do want to know what he's thinking before my parents come over and start asking questions. So I open the door and go back out.

He's still sitting on the couch, on his phone now. I sit back down next to him, leaving more room between us than before. He puts his phone back and I let him take my hand out of my pocket. "Andy..." I don't know how to ask him. I don't usually ask people questions. "What are you going to tell my parents...we are?" I want to know what we are, too, but I at least want to know what he's going to tell my parents. I know I made the question more straight forward and awkward than most people would have, but I can't help it.

"I don't know, what are we?" He says after a second. We don't have anything, I thought. He's just a rock star and I'm a crazy fan.

"I didn't think we had anything," I say, and I know it sounds stupid. "I thought I was just being a stupid fan girl and you wanted to get laid." Wow, my people skills are bad.

He laughs a little. "Well, that would be a bonus, but you've made it pretty clear you don't want that." I did, and I'm glad he can respect that. We still didn't answer the question, but I don't care after he just said that. It's too soon to know the answer anyways, I guess. Why am I smiling again? I reach for the TV remote with my left hand. I put on some brain dead show and we just sit there and pretend to watch it until the horses' dinner time.

"I have to go feed the ponies," I say, letting go of his hand and get up. I go to the back door and I guess he's coming with me. I close the door behind him and walk to the barn, and I smell his cigarette. I give them their hay and go back to the tack room to get their grain. I'm low on that, too. I usually bring them in at night, after they finish their dinner outside.

I start walking back up to the house, and Andy was by the back door, finishing his cigarette.

He'll probably want to eat dinner, and I don't have a lot of people food. And I know from obsessively watching interviews that he probably won't like pretty much anything I have. And I'll have to eat while my parents are here. I spend all my money on my horse, I can't afford to eat three meals a day. And I realize we never ate lunch, which I'm used to, but I don't know about Andy. It's not like I'm doing it on purpose, I know I don't need to loose weight, if anything, I should gain weight, but I just can't afford anything. I can order pizza or Chinese food or something for him, I'll be fine with whatever I have in there if he notices I'm not eating.

I go back inside and he follows. I look in my refrigerator and food cabinets. I have the pancakes or cereal for breakfast tomorrow and stuff for pasta if I have to make lunch or dinner. I can always make myself a salad or something, too, but I know Andy and my dad don't really like that. "Do you want a pizza or something?" I ask Andy, turning to face him. He's leaning against the counter, just watching me, and it makes me feel weird, having someone staring at me.

"Sure."

"What do you want?"

"I don't care, whatever you're having?"

Great. It's not like eating pizza's gonna kill me, but I'd rather not. I don't want to tell him I'm vegan, though. Lizzy always says no when I ask her if she wants to get food, not that I ask that often, but still, she feels bad getting food I don't eat or something. Not like I care, though, I made that decision myself, and it's not like I didn't know what I was in for. If I didn't like it, I would have stopped already. I look for the website on my phone for the closest pizza place I can think of and call the number. "I'm just getting you plain if you don't say anything," I say while the phone's ringing and he shrugs. So I order him a plain pizza. I look in my wallet, which I had put on the counter after I got home from the concert, to make sure I have enough money. I give them the address and hang up.

"You don't have to act like that, you know," I say. I know he isn't going to get what I'm saying.

"Like what?" He says calmly.

"Like asking for anything is going to annoy me or something." That kind of thing where you don't want to annoy your friend's parents the first time you go over their house and you hate what's for dinner, but you eat it anyways because you don't want to bother them.

"You're doing it too," he says.

I am? How am I doing that? I don't think I've done anything but order that pizza, right?

"What do you usually do when no one's here? I know you don't sit around and watch TV."

He read my mind again. I ignore him. It's true, I hate sitting around and doing nothing. And we have 30 minutes until the pizza comes, and I don't know what to do now. After he said that, I don't want to sit and do nothing. "Than what do you want to do?" I ask him.

"See, you're doing it now. What do you usually do?"

"I don't know, whatever has to get done?"

"Ok, so go do that. You're treating me like a guest, but I invited myself. Tell me to do the dishes or something." He doesn't mean it, he probably hasn't had to do his own housework in years. Rich people just hire someone to do all that for them, right? I laugh a little and sit in one of the chairs at the table. Andy sits in the other one. We just sit there, what I didn't want to do.

"You can talk, you know," he says. I don't know what to say, so I just shrug. "Ok, will it help if I ask questions?" I nod. "About what?" I shrug again. He sighs and looks around. "Ok, let's start easy. What's...your favorite color?"

I don't know, I've never really thought about it. "Umm...orange."

"Like a neon kind of orange?"

"No...more like a yellowish orange," I say.

He nods. "Ok, what's..."

"What's your favorite color?" I ask before he can think of another question.

"Black."

"Black's not a color."

"Does red meet your standards, than?"

"Mhm."

"Ok...How'd you find Black Veil Brides?"

"Lizzy told me about you guys."

"And what were your first thoughts?"

"I typed 'Black Veil Brides' into youtube and Knives and Pens was the first thing that came up and I hated it."

He smiles. "Really? Why?"

"I didn't like screamo. Set The World On Fire came out, so I tried listening to it, and I guess I liked it for some reason. I still like the songs that don't scream better, but what kind of fan would I be if I still couldn't stand Knives and Pens?"

"What's your favorite song, then?"

"How about...In The End."

"Ok, another question...How old are you?"

"22."

"Do you have any siblings?"

"Yeah, an older brother and a younger sister."

"When was the last time you saw them?"

In person? "I avoid my family as much as I can, so...like, six months ago, I guess."

"Your parents, too?"

"Yeah, I told them I was sick on Christmas. They came over for my birthday."

"When's your birthday?"

"August 24th."

"And they wait six months to try to see you again?"

"I usually tell them I'm busy, but I guess they want to be here tomorrow." Yeah, 'I guess.' "I still talk to my family, I just don't really see them. They really care about me, it's my fault I don't see them." I realize I'm getting defensive and bitchy, but I don't care for some reason. "When was the last time you saw your parents, than?"

"I always see them before I leave for tour." The tour only started two or three weeks ago. I was hoping it would have been longer so I could keep being a bitch. I don't know what to say now, so I'm quiet. I'm glad he asks another question. "How long have you been living here?"

"Like, three years."

"Um," he says, thinking of another question. "How about...When was the last time you applied for a job?"

What? "Um, like six or seven months." After I didn't need to be with Amber all the time, I tried to get a real job, but my social anxiety just fucks me up during interviews, so I just stopped trying. And it doesn't help that I didn't even finish high school, I dropped out when Amber did. "I make enough with Chance's board and giving riding lessons." Barely, but it's not like he can do anything about it.

He nods. "What causes your anxiety?"

I already knew he noticed my hands shaking, but still. I didn't have that problem until I got close to Amber. I fed off her anxiety, and after she died, instead of going away, it got worse. "Being anxious."

He smiles at my 'joke,' but he doesn't let me avoid the question. "Yeah, but what kind of things make you anxious?"

Well..."I guess I'm afraid of getting attached and than broken apart," I say quietly after thinking about it and look down.

He holds my hand from across the table. Just thinking about that made my hands start shaking. "And who did that to you?" He whispers back.

This is a stupid game. Why does he care? I'm not telling him about Amber. I've only known him for how long, and he asks me that? He's pretty bossy, thinking he can just come into my life like this and leave. He does realize he's just going to be breaking me apart if he gets me to trust him enough to tell him that and than he leaves, right? I just keep looking down and shake my head.

The doorbell rings and I'm flooded with relief. "I got it," I say, grabbing my wallet and taking the money out before going to the door. I take the pizza and give the guy the money. I put the box on the table.

"There's plates in that cabinet," I say, pointing. "I'm not hungry." I go out the back door towards the barn. Bailey neighs and trots towards me. I'm still shaking and I'm about to cry and I want to cut, just because I thought about Amber. I go through the fence and hug her neck. She stands quietly as I let the tears come and pray that Andy doesn't come out here.


	9. Chapter 9

After I calm down, I bring the horses in for the night and give them hay to keep them occupied, but Bailey is still watching me, like she always is. I pick up the scissors I keep in the hay stall and look outside again to make sure Andy is staying inside. I push the blade into my left wrist. Bailey neighs. I guess she knows I cut, if that counts. I've never been that good with scissors, I don't know if that's just me. I know Amber had used them and hurt herself pretty bad, too, so maybe it is just me. I prefer blades that are sharper than that so I can get it deeper on the first try. But it's not a deep cut at all, and it stopped bleeding pretty quickly.

I don't want to go back inside, but I've been out here for over an hour. I sigh. "Good night ponies," I say and walk out, closing the barn door behind me.

I get inside the house and Andy is sitting on the couch, texting. "Did you let your band know you're staying here tonight?" I ask, walking toward him.

"Mhm." He looks at me and I sit down. "I'm sorry I asked that before."

I look away. I wish he'd stop bringing it up. I want to leave again. I want to be as far away from people as possible. But at the same time, all I want is to feel close to him. To feel the comfort of a hug again. I guess human contact is just one of those things most people take for granted, and I managed to get over not having it. But now that I've felt that luxury again, I crave it.

I don't even realize I'm talking. I can't tell him this. But it's like he can just drag information out of me. "Amber had the roughest life I could imagine. It wasn't surprising she was suicidal. And her mom always believed her when she said she was ok. She came with me to the sale barn, and fell in love with a little mare we named Angel. Angel was terrified of everything, but she sensed something in Amber, and she trusted her 110%. They helped each other so much. I was boarding Angel at the barn I was riding at, but took her here when I was old enough to move out, and Lizzy moved Chance here from the other barn, too. Amber was pretty much living here with me. She went home one night a week. I rescued Bailey. And one day...Angel was colicing...The vet said surgery wouldn't save her...We had to put her down." Colic refers to pretty much any problem a horse has with their digestive system. "Amber got worse after that. A year later, her older brother died in a car crash. And she killed herself the next week." I'm crying hard now. I didn't want to tell him, but it just sort of happened. I hardly noticed him holding my right hand. My whole body is shaking. I continue to talk between sobs. "I really tried...I was with her almost every second...I don't know when she found time to keep cutting...If I got mad or told her to stop, she would have gotten worse...or if I told her how upsetting it was, she would have avoided me...I found her the day after her brother died about to overdose...but I stopped her...I tried to tell her mom so many times...especially that last night...Amber insisted she was ok to go home that night..." I was shaking and sobbing uncontrollably now. "Tomorrow is one year since that night..." Andy puts his other arm around me and pulls me tight against him.

\-----

I get up and go to the bathroom and brush my teeth. I manage to get out without cutting, but I pulled the two Band-Aids off and one of the scabs the sticky part was on started bleeding. It wasn't bad, so I ignored it this time. I go to my room and put on my pajamas before I walk back out.

"Do you want pajamas or something to sleep in?" I ask Andy. He's wearing his ripped up black jeans, t-shirt and leather jacket.

"I'm fine."

"I'm getting you some anyways," I say. He probably just doesn't want to be annoying. So I go back to my room and look through my pajamas. I pull out some pants and a short sleeve shirt. I don't really wear either of them. I go back to the living room and throw them at him. "There's extra toothbrushes in the bottom drawer in the bathroom, too." He gets up and goes down the hall.


	10. Chapter 10

I was getting myself some water when he comes back. He probably doesn't usually sleep with clothes on, but I'm glad he was wearing what I gave him. He puts his other clothes on the arm of the couch. I should clean up a little, but I'm too tired. I can do that in the morning. It's not like my house is a total mess. I hardly slept last night, and I usually try to sleep after crying like that, not that it helps. The only places to sleep in my house are my bed and this little couch. And Amber's room, but that's not happening. I guess I'm sleeping on the couch.

"My room is the last one on the left. I'll sleep on the couch," I say.

"Don't be silly, I invited myself, remember? I'll take the couch," He says, almost sternly.

'It's not very comfortable' I almost say, but don't want to end up with both of us in my room. So I just nod and start walking to my room. "Good night," I say before closing the door.

\-----

"Amber is on her way home," I say into the phone, "and I need you to listen to me."

"For the hundredth time, honey, she's fine," The voice on the other end says.

"How can you keep saying that?! She tried to kill herself again last week! And she's going to try again when she gets home because she knows you're not going to stop her!"

"I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding, sweetie, she wouldn't do that," The woman tries to comfort me.

"She was going to overdose! She tells me how much she cuts herself! How are you so stupid that you can't see it?!"

"I promise, I'll ask her when she gets here how she's holding up with the news about her brother."

"And you're going to believe her when she says she's ok!"

"I'm her mother, she'll tell me the truth."

"Can you even say you're her mother? You think she's fine when she is clearly not!"

"Calm down, honey, I know you care about her, but she doesn't do that anymore. They promised she was ok when they released her."

"She got worse when they let her out! Those places don't help people, they just make them want to cut more when they get out. You have to keep an eye on her tonight, she's going to try again!"

I here the front door open on the other end and the phone goes dead. I'm crying so hard and I can't see, but I grab my car keys anyways.

\-----

"Shh...It's ok...It was just a dream..." A deep voice was saying from behind me. He was rubbing my arm to wake me up. I was crying in my sleep again, but I never thought I was that loud.

"Sorry I woke you," I manage to say and take a deep breath. My whole body is shaking.

"Oh stop, it's fine." He whispers. I turn my head to look at him. He's sitting indian style on my bed next to me, looking down at me, still rubbing my left arm. I can see his blue eyes in the faint light the nightlight gives off. "Are you ok?"

"I always have nightmares, it's nothing new," I admit and look away. He just stays there, rubbing my shaking arm. I don't know what time it is, but it's probably around midnight. I usually wake up every two or three hour and force myself to go back to sleep.

I don't know how long it took, but I finally stop shaking. "Do you want me to leave?" He whispers.

I shake my head. I'm used to dealing with my dreams on my own, but something about having him there made me feel...safe. I know I have to stop doing this. It's just going to make it harder for me when he leaves. He puts himself under the blankets next to me and wraps an arm around me. "It'll happen again..." I say quietly.

"And I'll be right here when it does."

\-----

I don't know why, but I can't move. I'm laying in my bed, and I'm not the only one there. There's a faceless man there, and he doesn't have pants on. He's trying to get mine off, too. And I can't move. I try to scream, but I can't. All I can do is cry as my clothes get stripped away. My pants are gone. My underwear are gone. I try to move my hands to cover myself, but my body isn't cooperating with my brain. And I feel pain there. I'm desperate, and I cant do anything. He's pulling up my shirt, and than my bra. I feel his cold hands running up and down my body. He isn't trying to be gentle in any way. He pinches and pulls with his hands, sparing not an inch of my body. I feel no pleasure in this, only pain. I feel him shoot the hot liquid into me. I try to scream or pull away or something, but all I can do is cry harder.

\-----

A hand on my side is gently shaking me, and I almost fall off the side of the bed, trying to get away. "It's ok...It's just me..." The hand was still there, and I can't help but think it's that faceless man. My hands move to cover myself. "Look at me," the voice says firmly, and he turns me over to face him, pinning my arms against the bed with his hands and my body with his. Terrified, I struggle to get out of his grip. "Look at me," he says again, and I open my eyes enough to see his face.

I slowly start to realize where I am and what just happened. I relax slightly and the crying slows. My whole body is still shaking.

I usually have the same dreams, but that was another new one. It's weird how you can figure out your worst fears through dreams. It's not just rape that I'm afraid of, but I hadn't realized how much the idea of having sex scared me. And I'm sure it was Andy being next to me that triggered it. I was stupid to think that, just maybe, having the comfort there would help me get through the rest of the night. That'll never happen.

He releases my arms and rolls off me. "Thank you," I manage to say, "for waking me up."

"Sorry I pinned you down like that," He says.

"No, I needed it. If you hadn't, I would still think I was in that dream," I say, rolling over to face him. I'm still shaking.

He puts his arm over me. "Are you going to try sleeping again?" He asked quietly. I nod, knowing I'm going to have that dream again if he stays here, but I don't care right now. I like having him there when I fall asleep and when I wake up.


	11. Chapter 11

Someone is gently shaking me and I gasp. "It's just me," He says, holding me firmly. It helps that I'm already facing him this time. I open my eyes and see him.

I sigh. "Sorry I keep waking you up," I whisper. It was the same dream.

"Oh, stop," he says, wrapping his arms around me and pulls me against him.

"Do you know what time it is?"

"Uh, like, seven."

I should get up, but I don't want to. I'm not used to this feeling, and I don't want to let it stop. I have to do some things before my parents get here, and I don't know when that is. I'm dreading seeing them. I might have a chance at tricking my dad, but my mom is more likely to notice something's up. She was always able to read me too easily. I'll just tell her it's because today is...well, she knows that. So hopefully she just won't ask. I decide I'll just stay here until I stop shaking.

I don't know how long it takes, but I stop. "I have to get up." He lets go of me and I get up. I miss having him so close to me again. I don't like how dependent on him I've gotten in only one or two days.

I go to the bathroom across the hall and lock the door. I cut my left leg as deep as the little pencil sharpener blade will let me before I take a shower. I don't take long showers, but I wait for my leg to stop bleeding. It's been a year since I've seen Amber alive.

I turn off the water and rap a towel around myself. Fuck, how did I forget to bring my clothes in here? I can't go out in a towel. I decide to dry off and just put my pajamas back on.

I go back to my room and Andy was just getting up, so I take out the clothes I'm going to wear and bring them back to the bathroom to change.

When I'm done in the bathroom, I go to the kitchen. "What do you want for breakfast?"

"I don't care." He's leaning against the counter and I open the refrigerator.

"Are pancakes ok than?"

"Mhm."

I take the foil off the pancakes I made yesterday and heat them up in the microwave. I take out syrup, two forks, and another plate and put two pancakes on it for Andy. We eat our breakfast in silence. "I'm gonna go feed the ponies," I say when I finish eating.

I turn out the horses, feed them their breakfast, and clean their water buckets and stalls before walking back up to the house, and Andy is standing outside the back door with a cigarette. "If you end up in a room with my parents without me, they're gonna want to have that 'break my daughter's heart and I'll break your face' conversation," I tell him, jokingly, even though I know they won't leave without doing that first.

He smiles. "Well I'll have to tell them the truth. That I don't plan on doing that," he says matter-of-factly as he stamps out his cigarette.

What? I keep telling myself he's acting, he's just being nice, he just wants to get laid. I mean, how could someone like him like someone like me in any significant way? He's a successful artist, and I don't even have a job. He's said plenty of things that say otherwise, but I guess I'm denying it. No, I know I'm denying it. I don't want to admit that I need another person in my life. "Andy..." I look down.

"Hm?"

"I...I can't...I don't want...I don't know...I'm scared..." I don't want another heartbreak.

"Of us?" He asks quietly. I guess we're standing pretty close now. I nod. He puts his hand under my chin and lifts my head so I'm looking at his face. "I promise I'm not going to leave you," he whispers, looking straight into my eyes. "Whatever you keep telling yourself about me, it isn't true. I don't want to break your heart, I want to fix it. But you have to trust me. I promise, I want to help."

"But Andy..." His hand is still under my chin, or I would have looked away. "You have to leave soon to go back on tour," I whisper.

"And you can come, too."

I can't go with him. I have the horses here. And I'm sure I'll just be annoying to everyone else. Andy'll realize how stupid he was to ever think he could deal with me 24/7. "No, Andy, I can't...I can't leave my horse here, I'll be an even bigger mess without her. And I'll be too annoying. I'll wake everyone up at night, and...I just can't, Andy..."

He moves his hands so he's hugging me now. "Don't tell yourself things like that. I can pay Lizzy or someone to take care of the horses for you. And don't you think it would be good for you, too? To get away from this place, just for a little while?"

"A little while? Andy, the tour is for another month."

"Three weeks, actually."

"I can't go on tour with you, Andy," I say firmly. He sighs. "Your just going to Europe a couple weeks after that, anyways."

"But I want to help you, Kayley."

I force myself to pull out of his hug. "We all want things. You can't help me, I'm a mess. Even if I let you try, you'll figure that out on your own and I'll just be another responsibility. And than you'll leave because you don't want to deal with me anymore, and I'll just get worse. Please, just stop trying. You're just making it harder for me."

He steps forward and puts his arms around me again. I tense up this time and realize my hands are shaking. "I promise that won't happen, how can I prove it to you?" He says, and it almost sounds like he's begging me to believe him.

"I don't know, Andy...I just...I don't know, I'm sorry...for saying that."

"Don't be apologizing to me, you're underestimating yourself, too."

I don't say anything, so we just stand there, him hugging me. Eventually, I relax and the shaking stops. I guess he can do something. He has the patience to wait for me to calm down, and God knows how long that took. If I didn't figure that out already with the dreams.

"Lets see how the next few days go, and than I'll decide about the tour," I tell him. If he doesn't think I'm as annoying as I know I am, maybe I'll change my mind. My phone starts ringing.

"I'll go inside if you want," he says, letting go of me, but I grab his hand. I don't know who it is, but I don't want him to leave. I like having him there.

I take out my phone and I don't know the number. I wasn't going to answer it, but I remember I gave that guy, I think his name was Joe, my number. I was right, it was him. I answer a couple questions, give him my address, and he's going to come look at my farm in two days.

"Tomorrow I have to go upstate to get more hay and Thursday a guy is coming to see if he wants to move his horse here," I tell Andy. I just notice he's wearing the clothes from yesterday. "Do you want clean clothes or something?"

"No, I'm fine," He says. "So are we going back inside, or no?"

"Ok." We go inside and I clean up a little bit. "Oh, and by the way, if you could, try not to smoke in front of my dad. He's been trying to quit." Around 11, the doorbell rings.


	12. Chapter 12

I take a deep breath. I know if I let myself get any more nervous, I'll start shaking, which I can't do.

"They're your parents, they have to support everything you do. I don't see why you're so nervous. Is it 'cause of me or something else?" Andy asks. He's standing to my right and I'm about to open the door.

"It's just everything," I say and open the door before he can answer.

"Oh, Kayley, I've missed you so much!" My mom says, hugging me tightly. She lets go and I hug my dad.

"Mom, Dad, this is Andy," I introduce shyly. He shakes their hands and they introduce themselves.

Me and Andy sit on the kitchen chairs I put next to each other in the living room and Mom and Dad sit on the couch. Me and my mom do most of the talking at first. I know she is trying to get information out of me about how I'm doing without Amber, and I do my best to avoid answering, or try to make it seem like I'm ok. Andy takes my right hand out of my pocket and holds it between his hands. My hands are shaking slightly, but I hope it's not bad enough for my mom to notice, or at least Andy can get it to stop. So far, it still takes me a while to calm down with him there, but he does help me get there faster.

Mom starts talking to Andy when she sees this. "So where do you work, Andy?" She asks. Shit. I forgot to tell him they don't like his band...They know Lizzy, we've been 'friends' for years, and they support me in my friend choices and they pretend to like her, but they think she is a bad influence. So they never really liked her music taste, and they know she likes Black Veil Brides. How did I forget to mention that?

"Actually, I'm in a band," He answers calmly, like always.

"Oh, really? What do you do?" My dad asks. He knows a lot about music and bands and that kind of stuff.

"I do vocals for Black Veil Brides."

My mom looks at me, but I ignore her. "How did you guys meet?" She asks.

My hands are shaking more now and Andy looks at me. I have my left hand in my pocket still and I hope he's hiding my right one well enough. I can't let them see. Well, I hate lying to them, even though I keep doing it. Whatever, they already don't like him, doesn't matter what I say now. "I met him after a concert."

Andy knows how much I'm dying to get out of here right now. "Isn't it the horses' lunch time?" He asks me.

I give him a 'thank you' look. "Yeah, thanks for reminding me," I say, standing up, holding his hand still to try to tell him to come with me.

"I'll stay here," he says. I don't want him to get that talk from my parents. I don't want to be without him, either, he's been doing his best to keep me stable since they got here.

"I'll come, I haven't seen Bailey yet!" my mom says. I look at Andy again, who squeezes my hand reassuringly before letting go. I have to stop shaking.

Me and my mom are walking up to the barn and Bailey neighs. Mom smiles. "She's come a long way," she says.

"Do you want to ride? She's the most well behave horse in the world." The last time she saw her, Bailey was still a little nervous and unsure, but she has learned to take care of her rider and look to them for guidance.

"Oh, no thank you," she says, laughing. I go to the hay stall and grab some for the horses. "So you really like Andy? That's nice, you're finally trying to trust people again," Mom says. I know she doesn't like him, and I'm gonna get to hear about it.

"I don't know how I feel about him, actually," I admit.

Mom follows me as I throw the horses the hay and than start cleaning the paddocks. "Really? He seems to like you." She sounds surprised.

"Yeah, I know, but...He keeps saying he doesn't want to hurt me and all, but, you know...I don't want to go through that again." Maybe telling her the truth will at least get me out of having that whole conversation.

"Well, yeah, you should be careful. He's going to be travelling around the world, and he can do pretty much anything he wants while he's away." Yup, there it is. "But you can't keep pushing everyone away. You'll never get any better if you do." I don't know how much she was able to figure out, but if that's all she's going to say on the topic, I'm ok with it. "Your anxiety and depression got worse," she says.

"I'm fine, ma." She's rubbing Bailey's neck. "He asked me to go with him on the rest of the tour," I say quietly.

"Are you going?" She asks.

"I don't know if I should...I don't want to leave Bailey, and I'll just end up annoying them."

"Maybe you should. It could help get your mind off everything. You deserve a break."

I have to say, I'm surprised she said that. "Do you really trust him that much? I didn't think you would like him, especially after he said he's in that band."

"Well, yeah, but he really seems like he wants to help you. You have to learn to put yourself out there, honey, you have to face your fear eventually." She means it, and I don't know how to react.

"What about Bailey? Andy said he would pay Lizzy to take care of them, but how am I supposed to pay for everything else? I'm not going to be here giving lessons."

"Does Chance's board give you enough?"

"I guess, but barely. I won't have any extra if she needs anything else or I need something, or anything like that. And I don't know how easy it'll be to stay vegan."

"It'll work itself out. And I'm always here if you need anything," she says, hugging me. I just realize that I stopped shaking. I guess it really helps to know that she approves, even if I'm not sure myself. I've always trusted my mom and done whatever she suggested. It hurt me, too, to keep pushing her away the way I did.

"Ok, I guess I'll think about it," I say. I'm still unsure, but if Mom thinks I should, than I can at least consider it. Bailey joins the hug and puts her head over my shoulder. I can't help but smile, and I know my mom does, too. "You sure you don't want to ride?" I ask when she finally lets go. Bailey leaves her head on my shoulder.

"Maybe just a little," she says, still sounding unsure.

"Me and Lizzy have been riding her double, if you want to do that," I offer. When I was, like, 14, I leased a horse who me and my mom would ride double every once in a while.

"Yeah, ok."

"I just have to clean Chance's paddock, you can brush her in the barn." I put Bailey's halter on and she takes the end of the lead rope from my hand, trotting away playfully. I whistle and she comes back, dropping the lead line, which I give the other end to Mom. "The brushes are in the tack room. She'll be good for you, she just wanted me to play with her." I open the gate and Bailey follows to the barn quietly.

I finish cleaning and me and Mom get on Bailey. "She really trusts you," Mom says.

"She takes care of her rider, she'll look like a different horse when I'm riding by myself. She loves to play," I answer, and I can't help smiling.

"Why does she keep stopping?"

"She feels you getting unbalanced," I answer.

A little later, Mom asks "So how are you doing, living on your own?" In other words, without Amber.

"I'm fine, ma, stop worrying about me," I say.

"Well it's kind of hard not to worry when I never get to see you." I don't answer. "Does Andy know?"

"Yeah, I told him." About Amber.

Mom is getting off when I see Dad and Andy walking towards the ring. Mom leaves the ring and I feel Bailey getting excited, but I cue her to stay calm and walk over to the edge of the ring. "Do you want to ride, Dad?" I ask him.

"No thanks," He says, petting Bailey's forehead softly through the fence. "They're such beautiful animals, though," he continues. He always said that kind of stuff on the few occasions he took me to the barn instead of Mom. He found it hard to believe that people could ever gain enough respect from such powerful animals.

"Andy?" I look at him.

"Not right now," he says. He winks at me and I smile.

"Ok. I just want to let her get some of her energy out 'cause now is usually her play time." I loosen up my grip on her reins and she canters of, bucking excitedly.

"She wasn't like that when you were riding, right?" I hear Dad ask and I can't help but smile more. I let her play around a little more before I tell her to walk. I unlock the gate Mom closed and let Bailey walk around. I usually just leave it open when I'm riding. She walks around the yard a little before she winds up back by the other people.

"I told you she acts differently around different people," I say to Mom.

"Yeah, I see that. She stops when she thinks you might fall off, too?" She asks.

Oh yeah, I'm not wearing my helmet. "Mhm."

We go back inside. "Do you want lunch?"

"Did you ever end up going vegan?" Dad asks.

"Yeah." Andy looks at me, but I pretend not to notice.

"Than no thanks," he says. I laugh. He always thought vegans just ate salad.

So we just sit down and talk some more, because that's all you ever really do when family visits. I guess they ran out of things to talk about, or it's just because the whole reason they came here was Amber, but Dad asks "have you been in that room yet?" My mom's eyes widen at how straight forward the question is. I tense up. Andy feels it and squeezes my hand slightly. He looks at me, concern and question on his face.

"N-No," I stammer.

Mom quickly changes the subject.

They leave around four. I'm surprised they left so early, but I guess they got everything done they wanted to. And they didn't figure it out that I'm addicted to self harm.


	13. Chapter 13

I close the door behind them and sigh in relief. "Was it that bad?" Andy asks, hugging me, and the shaking slows.

"I missed them, but all they really wanted me to talk about was Amber. They didn't talk about it as much as they would have because you were here. Thank you for putting up with them, and me, and whatever else, Andy." It's true, they probably would have figured it out if he wasn't here and they could ask whatever else they wanted to. "How did it go with my dad?" I have to admit, I'm curious. I was surprised my mom ended up telling me to go for it, and my dad is even less likely to have said that.

"The usual, I guess."

"Like?"

"Get a real job and shit," he says, laughing. I guess Dad would have said it to both of us if he really didn't approve. Not that it's real, though, right?

"My mom thinks I should go on the tour with you," I tell him. He doesn't answer. I remember Dad asking if I've gone in Amber's room yet. "Did Dad say anything to you about Amber?" I ask quietly.

He hesitates before saying "he asked if you told me about her," he whispers back. Wow, thanks, Dad. "And that I can't abandon you like that. And he asked how you're dealing with it." I guess I tensed up because he hugs me tighter and rubs my back. "I told him that I don't know what you were like when it happened, but I'm sure you're doing better." Ok, good. "You wouldn't keep pushing them away if that was true, though."

"It would hurt them more if I didn't. They would rather keep thinking I'm ok than to know the truth. They care too much, Andy, I don't want to hurt them," I answer sadly. "They really care about me. It would just hurt me more to see how upset they are when they find out." I don't want to talk about it anymore. "Lizzy's here, I saw her car out front. She'll be pissed when she finds out you're here and I didn't tell her," I say, pulling myself out of his arms.

"I can stay in here. I'm gonna need a cigarette soon, though."

"Ok, she usually gets here around two and leaves before five. I'll ask if she could take care of the horses for three weeks, too."

"You want to come with us?" He sounds surprised, probably for the first time since he got here.

"I don't know yet, but I would have to at least know the horses are covered." If Lizzy can't, than I can't go, and that would answer that question.

\-----

"I'm going upstate to get more hay tomorrow, would you be able to feed them lunch?" I ask Lizzy.

"Sure, no problem." She says. She works nights at Target and takes some classes online, so she's usually free during the day.

"Thanks. Someone is coming to possibly move their horse here Thursday, too."

"Ok. What time? I don't want to get in the way."

"Around 9."

"K."

Here it goes..."Would you be able to take care of the horses for a few weeks if I went away?"

"Um...I don't know, when is that?"

"Thursday, if I decide I want to go, I'm not sure yet. I could pay you, and I could give you a key to my house so you could stay in there whenever you want."

"Yeah, I guess I could do it," she says. She's not nosy, she doesn't ask where I'm going.

"Oh, thank you!" I say hugging her. "I'll probably be back, like, the second." The last concert is the first, so I guess the second is the earliest I might be coming back.

Well, I don't see what's keeping me from going now.

\-----

"She left, you can go have a cigarette. She said she would, but I still don't know, Andy," I tell him when she leaves and I go back inside. He's sitting on the couch and I'm sitting next to him. "What do you think?" I know it's stupid to ask him, but I do anyways. When did I start feeling close enough to him to talk like this?

"Well of course I think you should, but it's still your decision." Yeah, now he's going to pretend we never had that whole discussion about the tour.

"When are you leaving?" I just realized while I was talking to Lizzy I asked the guy to come on the day we're probably leaving, if not sooner.

"Thursday."

"What time?"

"Um, we have to be there by four so...probably no later than 12." Ok, that should be fine. "You didn't tell me you're a vegan," he says.

"Why does it matter?"

"You just ordered a pizza yesterday, I put the extras in the fridge for you. I just thought you weren't eating because...you were upset."

"Do you want fruits and veggies? I don't really have much else, and I didn't feel like making anything," I say. I haven't cut since before my parents got here, and my mood is showing it. He doesn't answer.

"Kayley?" Andy asks hesitantly.

"Yeah?"

"What did your dad mean when...he asked if you've gone in that room yet?"

I knew I was going to have to tell him eventually when my dad brought it up, but I was hoping it wouldn't be so soon. My hands start shaking. "Why don't you go have a cigarette?" I snap at him without meaning to. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that, it's just..." It's just that I have to cut myself, or I'll act like any other addict being deprived of whatever it is they need.

"Don't apologize to me, I need one anyways," he says calmly, patting my knee and getting up.

He closes the door behind him. I walk off to the bathroom to satisfy my craving.


	14. Chapter 14

"Sorry I snapped at you like that," I say when he comes back inside, my head cleared.

"Stop apologizing, I knew I shouldn't have asked."

It's not that this is really a secret, I don't really like to hide things, but some things I don't just talk about unless I'm asked directly. This is one of those things. "Amber stayed here with me usually six days a week, so the guest room sorta became her room." I knew I would start crying, talking about this, even if it's only for these two seconds, and I feel the tears coming to my eyes already. "I used to go in there once a week when she went home to take any razors or meds she wasn't supposed to have." Mostly razors, but occasionally I found full pill bottles of things that weren't hers. She wasn't supposed to have anything, technically, she told her mom she didn't need it anymore, and she believed her. "After she...succeeded...I never went in that room again..." I'm crying and shaking at this point. He raps his arms around me. "It's been a year, Andy, do I ever move on?"

"You're not letting yourself move on when you keep thinking so negatively," he starts carefully. "Yes, you loved Amber, but you have to focus on your life right now. If you keep thinking about the past, you'll miss your future," he says.

Ok, you better be right. I'll go with you. At least, as long as we don't hate each other by the time we're leaving.

"You can't let the things from the past mess with you now," he adds.

"You don't mean I should...?"

"I don't think she ever meant to take over a room in your house for the rest of your life. What better time to do it than today? Celebrate the time she spent alive instead of crying over the fact that it's over."

My shaking is getting worse again. "I don't know, Andy..."

"If you decide to come with us, you won't get the chance to go in there again for three weeks." I wouldn't mind that. I've made it a year, I don't see why another three weeks would be a problem. I did offer Lizzy a key to the house, though, and I wouldn't want her to be the first one in there.

"Andy...I'll go in there if...you promise to help me face all of my fears on the tour."

I can't believe I just said that. What did I just do? I just said I'm going with him. And he's going to help me face my fears. All of them. He really only knows two, I guess, but that's...I feel like I'm going to live through some lame version of the Divergent movie.

He seems to have read my mind. "Ok, but only the reasonable ones. I'm not going to cause anything terrifying, but I'll help you when they do happen." He means he's not going to kill my family or something. "And you'll probably have to tell me what they are." I'm shaking so hard, I'm holding the back of his leather jacket in fists to try to steady myself. "One at a time, though," he adds.

I said 'on tour,' not right now. But I guess Amber's room is something I would have to get done before, than. And Andy wants me to do that one today. I don't want to move right now, though. I don't know if it's because I don't want to let go of him, or if I'm trying to put off the thing I've successfully put off for a year.

So I don't know how long we stand there. "Whenever you're ready," he says eventually.

"After we get back? Maybe it won't be as hard than, maybe I'll be braver." I probably sound like I'm desperate and begging. I know I can't put it off that long, though, with Lizzy coming in here. He doesn't answer.

It had to be at least another half hour before he says "I'm not letting you put it off anymore," and pulls himself away from me. I like it how he knows when he has to be gentle with me and when I need someone to be a little bit more firm. "Come on," he says, taking my right hand. "Which one is it?" He starts walking towards the hall, me shuffling after him.

I'm tempted to tell him the wrong one, but decide not to. "First on the left," I tell him quietly, and he stops in front of the door. He wants me to open it. I'm shaking uncontrollably. "Andy, I don't know..."

"I'm going to shove you in there if you don't go on your own," he says firmly.

I take a deep breath and push the door open, closing my eyes tight and gasp. Not that I really saw in the room at all, but just the thought of it, I guess.

"Almost there," Andy says, not in a mocking way, but more encouraging. My eyes are still closed, and I can't bring myself to open them. I guess he notices, because he says "open your eyes, Kayley." I take another deep breath before listening. I bite my lip as he half drags me through the doorway.

Everything is covered in dust. There isn't much furniture in here, just the bed and a little dresser with a desk attached to it. The bed is made with the plain sheets and blankets and the tin she would put her razors in was pushed under the bed. She usually tried to hide them better, but I guess she didn't think she had to. It's probably empty, anyways. I look at the desk, which has a book on it. And a pen, next to a bracelet and piece of paper. I tense up even more, if that was possible. I must be crushing Andy's hand. I tell myself it's nothing, but I find myself walking towards it.

There's writing on the paper, and it's that familiar handwriting, the way she used to combine print and script so she wouldn't have to lift the pen. I pick up the note with my free hand, shaking violently. I know I have to read it.

Hey Kayley,

I'm not good at writing, so I'll make it short. I just wanted to say sorry. Sorry I wasn't strong enough, sorry for all the pain I caused you, everything. Thank you for understanding me and accepting me. I know it hurt you to have me around. Thanks for not pushing me away. I can't thank you enough for what you did for me. You never thought about yourself, always about me or anyone else around you. I'm better off like this. You can make decisions for yourself now, I won't be a burden to anyone. Hopefully I'll be with Angel again. Good luck to you and Bailey

Love always,

Amber

PS-I just thought I should leave you something, if you want it. The only thing I could think of was my bracelet, so it's there if you want it.

I can barely see anything by the time I finish reading it. One year ago, Amber wrote this suicide note and left it for me. "I shouldn't have let her leave, Andy, I just let her walk out of here, even though I knew she would kill herself. It's my fault she's gone," I manage to say between sobs.

"No, you didn't. Think of the positive, Kayley, self-pity isn't going to get you anywhere. You were obviously a very close friend. She trusted you enough to stay here and tell you what her parents didn't even know. You gave her everything you could," he tries to reassure me. "I'm sure she would have done it sooner if you weren't there for her," he adds cautiously.

I don't know how anyone else would have reacted to that, but I'm not mad at him for saying it because it's true. I got her at least a week, she was going to overdose in my kitchen. And I'm sure Angel bought her some time, too. I don't know what to do now besides cry. I want to cut myself again. "Andy..."

"What is it?"

"I just...I-I can't anymore. Can I just go to sleep?" I know it's not that late, but I have a habit of trying to sleep my way out of my problems. Not that it helps, really, I just have dreams that way. At least I can tell myself those aren't real.

"Of course," he whispers, kissing the top of my head. "You're very brave."


	15. Chapter 15

I would have just went right to bed, but I remember I have to bring the horses in. So I bring them in and get ready for bed. I cut my leg pretty deep, but it's not a very long cut, so I decide I don't need stitches. I try not to cut myself that bad, but once you get to that point once, you figure out how to deal with it and it's kind of hard not to do it again. Amber told me once that once you start cutting, you just keep getting worse, and death is the only way to stop. It's just like any other addiction.

"Are you staying here again tonight?" I ask Andy.

"Do you want me to leave?"

"No, but I'm going to be pretty busy tomorrow." I have to go upstate and than see if I can get a lesson or two in before I have to leave.

"I'll stay here tonight."

"Ok, I'm going to sleep now. I don't care what you do," I say, not rudely, it's just the truth. There's no where in this house I don't want him now, so I don't care. I go to my room, turn on the nightlight, and turn off the light. I left the door open a crack because I wasn't sure if he planned on sleeping in here or on the couch.

He comes in a couple minutes later, wearing the clothes I gave him last night. He lays down close to my back and wraps an arm around me. I take his hand in mine. "So is the next one the dark?" he asks.

I turn around to face him. "How'd you know?" It's true that I'm scared of the dark, but I never told him that. I think my mom, my sister and Amber were the only ones who ever knew that, I was always kind of embarrassed by that one.

"Just a guess," he says. The nightlight is the only thing I can think of.

"When I was little I was convinced there was a monster living under my bed, so I hated the dark, and that never really went away." Yeah, when I was little. I believed that until I was, like, 16. "I refused to look under my bed," I say, laughing a little. I guess our faces are pretty close together. I feel him smile slightly. "I'm not going to face any of my fears on my own, you know, you're going to have to decide when I'm ready." I should just stop talking. I keep saying the wrong things.

I know I shouldn't, we're in my bed for fuck's sake, but I kiss him. And he kisses back. It's not as awkward as our first kiss. It's almost like our tongues are dancing. I guess I let go of his hand at some point. My right hand is in a shaky fist holding the back of his shirt and my other is on his chest, while he has one hand on my back. I pull myself closer, deepening the kiss. This is a weird feeling for me, this closeness and this touch. It's not like when you hug a friend or a family member, it's more than that, like you want to take away everything separating you and the other person, and never let go of them. I think I've lost my mind when I slide my right hand underneath his shirt. He pulls at my bottom lip. I try to steady myself by pushing my hand against his back, probably just pulling him closer. I don't know why I did that, but I don't care right now. His hand moves slowly down my back and stops at the hem of my shirt. He tugs at it questioningly, bringing me back to my senses. I take my hands off him and pull away quickly.

I don't know what just happened. "S-sorry," I stutter.

"For what? You keep apologizing," he breathes.

"You deserve better," I answer.

"Don't say that."

"But you're so perfect, Andy, there are so many people out there that would love to be with you, people that are less annoying and have their own money so they don't have to take yours and don't wake you up three times a night and won't chicken out of sex and--"

"Kayley, stop saying that. If any of that stuff bothered me, don't you think I would have left already?"

"But you've done so much for me in only a few days, and I can't even do this for you--"

He cuts me off again. "Kayley, stop! I'm not here because I want sex, I'm here because you're an amazing, beautiful girl! I don't see how you're missing that, you keep focusing on bad things! You say you want to get over things, and I want to help you, but I can't if you aren't going to try to fix things yourself, first." He almost sounds like he's begging me at the last part. "You want to do something for me? You know what is annoying? When you talk shit about yourself, you could stop doing that, ok?" Now he sounds like he is getting annoyed.

I nod. "I'm sorry, Andy."

"Yeah, I know," I hear him mutter. I close my eyes and go to sleep.

\-----

I'm driving on the express way. We're on our way home from a horse show. Angel and Bailey are in the trailer. Me, Amber, Mom, and my sister are all in the car. Amber did very well, she came in first place. I'm happy for her. I just took Bailey to see how she would act in the new area. She was a little excited at first, but calmed down eventually. We're going to go back home to put the horses back, and than go to get ices.

There's a big truck driving next to us at the same speed, and it suddenly turns sideways. It crashes into the left side of my car, and I feel a sharp pain in my left arm. The car is flung sideways, off the road, and into the trees. The truck is still coming, though. This time, it falls on top of the car and trailer. I hear the unbearable screams of the horses and my family. The car is crushed. I don't know why I'm alive, I can't move. I can barely look around. I can move enough to see Amber next to me, my mom and my sister behind me, and I can see into the crushed trailer, too. I wish I couldn't see any of it. All their bodies are crushed, broken, bent, bloody, and mangled. "No," I whisper, "wake up!" I shout. I can barely manage to crawl. I shake each one of their limp bodies, each time crying more and more. "Wake up, wake up, wake up!" I yell over my mom's body.

\-----

Someone's rubbing my right arm. I hug the body in front of me in relief. "Oh, Mom, thank--" This isn't my mom. "Sorry, I just..." I start to say as I try to pull myself away from him, but can't finish what I was saying.

He puts his arms around me and pulls me back against his body. "Is there any way I can help? Get them to stop coming?"

"If there is a way to stop them, I haven't found it yet," I tell him. "They're usually the same ones, so I guess I get used to them," I say, and I don't know why. I know it's not true. Nightmares will always be nightmares.

"Do you think facing your fears will help?"

No. "Maybe," I say anyways. Your fears will always be there. Just because you deal with them once doesn't necessarily mean they'll go away, it just gives you more courage to deal with them the next time. But they never go away.

I put my arms around him and pull my body as close to his as I can. All I want right now is to be close to him. "Thank you, Andy," I whisper.

\-----

I stand up, but fall back onto the bed. "You soar?" I hear the voice say from behind me, laughing. "Well I guess it won't hurt to do it again. It won't make anything worse, right?" he says, walking around the bed to stand in front of me.

"Andy, I don't think--" He pushes me back down.

I scream.

\-----

Someone's rubbing my arm. I jump back, opening my eyes wide, and I see Andy's face. I close my eyes again. He's still holding my right arm. "Please, Andy, don't!" I plead as I curl up into the tiniest little ball I can make myself, hugging my knees to my chest and covering my head. He lets go of me.

I open my eyes and peak out between my fingers. He's just watching me, waiting. "Was I...I was dreaming?" I realize slowly. "Oh, Andy, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it," I whisper. I want to hug him, but I can't make myself after that.

"Was I in your dream?" He whispers back. I nod numbly. "Was I...You're not scared of me, are you?" He asks sadly.

"I'm not scared of you, Andy, just..." I'm all choked up, now, and I can't finish my sentence.

"Me leaving you?" he tries to finish for me.

"And...I guess I'm scared of us being together, too," I admit as the tears start to fall. "No, not that...I'm scared of...what we might do."

"Oh, Kayley," he whispers helplessly. I want to hug him, but I just can't make myself. I can see it in his eyes that he wants to try to comfort me, too. I'm kind of glad he doesn't, though. "How can I...what can I do? Can I help? Make it stop somehow? I promise, I won't do anything that you're not ready for." I hate hearing him talk like this. Like I'm breaking him. This is what I've been trying to avoid. Breaking the people I'm close to. And here is Andy, practically begging me, to try to accomplish something that wont happen.

"Andy, please, don't worry about it so much," I try to tell him.

"It's kind of hard not to when you start screaming and crying in your sleep every couple hours. I hate seeing you like this." I can honestly say that, a week ago, I never thought I would see Andy Biersack this upset because of me.

"Either get used to it, or..." I'm crying at the thought of saying it. "Or you have to leave, Andy. I'm a mess, and I'm never going to get better."

The hurt on his face just keeps breaking my heart. "I'm not going to leave you, Kayley," he whispers. I want to feel his touch, the comfort that always comes with it, but I still cant move and he's still refraining himself. He probably thinks it'll just scare me after what I just told him. "You'll get better, it just takes time."

I don't believe him, but I take his hand with my right one. I finally got myself to move. "Thank you." I whisper. "Andy?" I say after a minute. "It wasn't me crying that woke you up, was it?" I hadn't started crying until after he already woke me.

"You screamed," he answers.

"I...what?" I stutter.

"You screamed in your sleep."

"Oh," is all I can say. I never scream. I might yell, but not scream. I didn't even scream at the concert. And I screamed in my sleep?

"You're not a screamer?" He asks jokingly. I shake my head, and than blush when I get the joke.


	16. Chapter 16

I wake up to someone shaking my hand. "I thought I could wake you before you had a dream. It's seven."

"I didn't think you would wake up this early." I yawn. "You did go back to sleep, right?" He doesn't say anything. "Andy," I say in a whiny voice.

"I couldn't sleep," He says, smiling slightly. "Don't you have to feed the horses soon, anyways?"

"Yeah." I realize I fell asleep holding his hand, and we still are. "I'm going upstate after I feed them, and then I'm gonna see if a couple of my students want a lesson before we go, if that offer still stands?"

"Of course it does."

"We're leaving around twelve tomorrow?"

"Mhm."

"K." I let go of his hand and get up. "What do you want for breakfast?" I say as I walk towards the bedroom door.

"Whatever you're having is fine."

"Cereal."

I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth and shower. I cut my ankle. I go to the kitchen to eat breakfast. "How long does it take to get hay?" Andy asks.

"I don't know, like, five or six hours."

I take care of the horses for the morning and hook up the trailer to my truck.

"I can drop you off at the hotel on the way," I offer.

"You don't want me to come?"

"I just sit in the car for two hours, put 50 bales of hay in a trailer, and drive for another two hours. It's not that fun, you don't have to come. You should see the guys, you've been here for a while," I tell him. Get clean clothes or something, too.

"Pick me up on your way back?"

"Sure, but I'm going to be giving lessons today."

"I'll watch," he says simply.

He tells me which hotel they're staying at and I drop him off. "See ya later," he says and kisses my cheek before getting out of the car. I smile to myself.

\-----

I'm on my way back home. I got 50 bales of hay and seven bags of grain. This should be enough to last three weeks. I just finished calling all my students to let them know I'll be going away, so I can't give lessons for a little while. I'm squeezing in half hour lessons at five and six tonight and ten tomorrow. I asked the people who I thought were least likely to recognize Andy first. I pull up in front of the hotel and text Andy that I'm here. Andy gets in the car and I start driving back home.

"I have a lesson at five," I tell him.

"K," he says. "So you don't like cars?" He asks a little while later.

"How'd you figure that one out?" It's true, and I hate that he can figure these things out about me so easily.

"You have a death grip on the steering wheel," he says. I guess I do. I look at my hands, and my knuckles are white from holding the wheel so hard. I stopped noticing when I did that. I've always hated cars, but I just got worse as my anxiety did, and Amber's brother being killed in a car accident didn't help.

I don't answer him, I just ask "so what did the guys say when you told them I'm going with you?"

"They were cool with it."

"You told them I cry in my sleep and I'm a picky eater and shit?"

"It's fine, Kayley, our tour manager has night terrors, he screams in his sleep, and don't worry about eating, we'll work it out."

I sigh, but I don't argue with him. I put the trailer in the yard outside the barn. I check the time and it's 4:43. "I have to get Bailey ready for her lesson, I'll put the hay away after." I take Bailey into the barn to brush and tack her. I put the big western saddle on her.

"Do you want me to put the hay away or something?" Andy asks as I attach the lunge line to Bailey's rope halter and tie the lead line so they can be used as reins.

"No thanks, I don't like to distract horses with food while they're working. There're chairs in the tack room if you want to take one out, though," I tell him. I just have two in there, but for the lesson right now, the girl's mom is usually the only one that comes. I walk Bailey to the ring. Andy comes out and sits in a chair, lighting a cigarette.

I hear a car door and they come into the yard through the gate. The little girl is holding her mom's hand in one hand and her helmet in the other. Her face lights up when she sees Bailey and she starts jumping in excitement. I say hi to her mom and put the little girl on the big horse.

\-----

I give the horses their dinner after the second lesson, and move the trailer out of the way. I start packing and straiten up the house. I moved all the things that were left of Amber from her room. I put on the bracelet she always had on. It's a thin silver chain with a small plate that says 'Angel' on it. I gave it to her the Christmas after we took Angel home. It was usually under her sleeve, but she always had it. I take the mint tin out from under the bed, and it's empty. She usually left it empty or only left a couple blades in there, though, because she knew I took them. I sneak my thumb tack, pencil sharpener blade, and box cutter into it and put it in my bag, along with some band-aids, gauze, medical tape, and emergency stitches supplies. I bring the horses in and then go to my room to go to bed. I fall asleep curled up in Andy's arms.


	17. Chapter 17

It's 10:30 and my student is leaving. "I'm gonna be a mess without Bailey," I tell Andy.

"She'll still be here when we get back," he says, wrapping his arms around me from behind as I turn Bailey loose to wander around the yard.

"I know, but...what if something happens while I'm not here?"

"Stop worrying, everything'll be fine, Kayley," he says in my ear, his breath tickling my neck. "Why don't you have one more ride before we go?"

I look back at him and smile. "Wanna come with me?" He smiles back and I whistle to Bailey, who comes trotting back. I climb the fence and Andy follows, swinging my leg over Bailey's back and telling her to stay while Andy gets on behind me. After my mom tried riding for the first time, she liked to say how she always thought it looked so romantic, but was way too bouncy and uncomfortable to feel that way. I guess that's how everyone else feels about it, but equestrians find a way to get used to it somehow. He puts his arms around my waist and his head on my shoulder and I tense up, but put my hands over his. I didn't think this through. I try to hide it by telling Bailey to walk. She hesitates, but walks off slowly. Just the way that we're sitting, and we're so close together, it's just...I like being close to him, but I'm just uncomfortable.

"You ok? You never looked this tense up here on your own," he says in my ear.

"I'm fine," I say.

"How about we go a little bit faster, then?" He says against my neck, sending a shiver through me.

"Andy..." Ok, as much as my brain is arguing with my body, maybe he turns me on, and it makes me uncomfortable. I almost shake my head to try to wake myself up. "Ok, sure," I say somewhat rudely. "Trot," I tell Bailey, who hesitates before picking up a slow trot. Andy's grip on my stomach tightens, and I get even more tense. Bailey slows back down to a walk. "Andy, you're confusing Bailey!" I say, frustrated.

"Do you want me to get off? If I don't hold on to you, I'm just going to fall."

"No, I'm sorry, Andy, I didn't mean that." I sigh. "It wasn't your fault, I'm the one giving her the mixed signals," I say regretfully. I don't know what I expected him to say, I just got frustrated, I guess. I don't want him to leave, I like having him there, I just...he's just messing with my head. I'm the one who's overreacting. I have to relax. I didn't think he would do something like that, and I don't know if it was an accident. I tell myself to take a deep breath and release as much of the tension as I can. He has loosened his grip on me, too.

"How do you do this, anyways? It's so uncomfortable," he says.

"It's not that bad once you get used to it." Only now do I realize how many things I have said that could be twisted into something perverted. That's just something I've noticed with horse people. They can be so immature and dirty minded outside the barn, but when you're talking about horses, you just have to forget all that. "Do you want to try to trot again? It's a lot more bearable if you stay relaxed," I say, more to remind myself. "My trainer used to tell me to imagine myself as jell-o wrapped around the horse."

"Just a little, if you want to," he says.

I tell Bailey to trot, and she doesn't hesitate this time, now that I'm less tense. Draft horses like her have the smoothest trot. Andy's grip tightens again, but I remind myself to stay relaxed. I tell Bailey to walk before she turns around the next corner of the ring and pat her neck. She walks around the ring a little longer before I let her wander around the yard.

I start thinking about what's going to happen in the next few weeks, as much as I don't want to. I'm going to travel around America on the Black Veil Brides tour bus. As amazing as it is...is it really a good idea? I mean, I'll be living on a little bus most of the time, and I hate buses. And with a bunch of guys...That isn't going to help my anxiety. I don't know where I'm going to be sleeping, I doubt they have an extra bunk. And cutting...I can imagine it'll be hard to find the alone time on that crowded bus...I can't let anyone find out about that. I considered just leaving anything sharp at home, but I know I wouldn't be able to go three weeks clean. I would just find something else when I had to, and someone might notice it was missing. I'll be leaving Bailey. That's the thing that'll bother me the most. I've never left her for this long. I'll be a mess myself, but I can't help thinking, what if something happens to her? I know I said it before, but I can't stop worrying. "Andy, what if something happens to Bailey?"

"Lizzy'll be here to make sure nothing happens, Kayley," he says reassuringly in my right ear.

"I know, but...I would never forgive myself if something happened and I wasn't here for her. She's always been there for me when I needed it, I want to make sure I can do the same for her."

"It'll be fine, Kayley, I promise."

"Don't promise things you have no control over." He sighs and his breath moves my hair. "Sorry," I say.

"Stop apologizing." I just lean forward to hug Bailey's neck. She stops so I don't lose my balance, and turns her head to touch my boot with her nose. My eyes sting with tears.

"I don't know if I can go, Andy," I say shakily.

"It's up to you," I hear him say.

I wipe my eyes before siting back up. He puts his arms back around me and I put my arms over his. "I don't want to be away from you, either, though," I whisper, my voice still shaking. As much as he's pushed me, it's been for the better, right? I should try trusting people again? I do like being around him...

"Whether you decide you want to be with me or Bailey, you only have to wait three weeks." I know it's not that long to him, but I've never been gone for more than a day. If I don't go with him, he probably won't come back, either. We've only known each other for a few days.

"I want to go, but...what if something happens?" I say for the third time in less than 30 minutes. "I just...I don't want this to be the last time I see her. I don't want to let someone else die."

"Kayley, stop talking like that," he says firmly.

"I could have stopped her, though. I just don't want it to happen again."

"I know, Kayley, but you can't keep blaming yourself, it wasn't your fault."

"Andy?"

"Hm?"

"If something does happen, would I be able to get back here? And, like, really fast?"

"If something does happen, yes. We could get you on a flight back or something if we had to."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

I don't know why, but I trust him.


	18. Chapter 18

The bus just pulled up in front of my house to pick us up. I'm shaking pretty bad, and I'm trying pretty desperately not to start crying again. Andy said he made sure all his stuff from the hotel room was on the bus when I dropped him off there the other day. I left my spare house keys in the barn for Lizzy with a sticky note with the number for my vet, farrier, feed guy, etc. I'll call her later today to make sure everything is ok.

Right now, I'm just checking to make sure everything in my house is cleaned up and I have everything I need. "You ready?" Jake asks when I walk back to the living room with my bag in my left hand and my right hand in my jacket pocket. I nod.

Andy takes my right hand out of my pocket. "Don't worry, this'll be fun," he says, looking at me. I fake a smile and we go out to the bus.

I hesitate before getting in. Andy notices, but doesn't say anything. Considering it's a bus, it's not that small, but I can't control the extreme amount of anxiety I'm feeling. There's a kitchen/dining room/living room area in the front of the bus, and then a door to, well, I guess the bunks. Everyone's in the front of the bus. They all welcome Andy and I, and I can barely say hi. So many people don't help me feel better, either. I know Andy notices, and we go to the door in the back of the room, and he closes it behind us. There are three bunks in here, one on the front wall and one above another on the back wall. There are two more doors I guess are the bathroom and the other bunks. "You're not regretting your decision to come already, are you?" Andy asks. He takes my bag and puts it next to the front bunk, then turns to face me. I don't answer. I know this whole thing was supposed to be good for me, but I'm not so sure anymore. He hugs me. "It'll get better," he whispers. "I don't want this to be a bad experience for you. If you ever need anything, please let me know, ok?" I nod. "Sorry we don't have any extra bunks." It's not like that surprised me, but still...I'm the only girl here, and not only am I sharing a room with three other guys, I have to share a bunk, too. "What's making you so anxious right now?" He sits on the bunk, and I follow, still holding hands.

Ugh, I don't want to talk about that. I don't want to talk at all right now, I'm choking on tears still from saying my goodbyes to Bailey. "I don't like buses or being around so many people," I manage to say. And leaving Bailey, but I think I've made that pretty clear by now. The bus jerks into motion and I flinch.

"Well we've got a pretty long ride to the next venue, then."

\-----

We pull up in front of the venue and I sigh in relief. I don't know how, but Andy got me to stop shaking, although I'm still pretty tense. "I'll get used to this eventually," I say. I feel bad. He's just so patient. He just spent, like, four hours sitting here with me to keep me from having a meltdown. Why does he even bother, anyways?

"Don't worry about it," he says, kissing my head.

"I don't want to ruin this tour for you."

"Stop saying that kind of stuff, Kayley, if I thought that, I wouldn't have invited you, how many times do I have to say that?"

"I know. I just...Sorry."

"Are you coming in with us or staying here?" He asks, changing the subject.

"I'll stay here, I want to talk to Lizzy," I say. I'll be ok if the bus isn't moving and there aren't so many people.

"Ok, I'll try to get back as soon as the show is over."

"Your fans will want to talk to you after," I remind him.

"I don't have to."

"You should, though. I just meant to say don't worry about me."

He hugs me and looks at his phone. "We have to set up and shit, you sure you're ok here?"

"I'm fine, Andy."

"Ok, the bathroom is right there, we're sleeping right here if you get tired, and there's some stuff in the fridge, I don't know how much of it's vegan, though. We can get more stuff tomorrow morning," he says.

"I'll just go back to vegetarian for now."

There's a knock on the door. "We're here!" I hear them say.

"See you soon," he says, kissing my head again before getting up. He leaves the room and closes the door behind him.

I check the time. I'll wait another hour or two to call Lizzy, so she'll be done feeding the horses dinner. After I hear them leave the bus, I take the tin out of my bag and go to the bathroom, hoping the physical pain will help get rid of some of the tension I still have. The room is pretty small, and there's a sink, toilet, and a small shower. I roll up my shirt and make a small cut in my stomach. I don't know why I put it there. You know how people always say it doesn't hurt as much to get tattoos or something on, like, more fatty parts of your body? Yeah, so it's not the best place for right now, but whatever.

I take a sketchpad out of my bag and a water bottle from the fridge and sit on the couch in the front room. I want to go for a walk or something, but I know now probably isn't a good time to be walking around, so I just draw for about an hour, when I decide to call Lizzy.

"Hey, how's your trip going?" Lizzy says when she picks up.

"Fine, how's Bailey?" I ask quickly.

"She's fine, they're eating their dinner. How'd it go with that guy this morning?"

"He said he's looking at some other places too before he decides where he wants to move his horse." The possible boarder seemed to like my little place, but what do I know, he could just be a good actor. "I left a key to the house for you."

"Yup, I saw it."

"Take whatever food you want that's in there, you can stay in the house whenever you want to. The number for my vet is there if you need it, her feet should be fine, but that number is there too. The number for the hay guy is there. I just got hay and it should last, but they can deliver if we get low. Grain, too. If you want to use Bailey to go on a trail ride or something, go ahead. She likes to play every once in a while if you get the chance. Um, what else..." I say, trying to think of whatever else I might have to tell her.

"She's fine, Kayley, don't worry so much," she says reassuringly.

"I left some money there, too, in case the horses need anything. I'll give you more when I get back, sorry about that."

"It's fine, enjoy your vacation. So where are you going, anyways?"

I didn't mean to hesitate, I already lied to some of my students about it, but I feel bad doing that to Lizzy. "I'm visiting my aunt in Chicago," I say. When the tour goes over there, I might see her. She has lung cancer, and she hasn't been doing great, so I've been meaning to visit her. Like everyone else, though, I avoid her. And I feel horrible about it. My aunt is dying, and I'm still avoiding her.

"Oh, cool," she says. "So you're there now?"

"Yeah." We talk for another couple minutes before we hang up. I guess it made me feel better, knowing Bailey is ok. With nothing better to do, I go back to my drawing. I'm using a picture on my phone as a reference. It's a picture I took a couple weeks ago from on top of Bailey, where she was reaching to touch my boot with her nose. It hasn't even been a full day yet, and I miss her like hell. When Lizzy and I were in the same art classes in high school, she would always make fun of how slowly I worked. So I didn't get all that far by about eight, when I decide to just go to sleep. I brush my teeth and put on pajamas, and lay down in Andy's bunk. I pull the blanket up to my nose, finding comfort in just having Andy's smell, like a stupid puppy who misses its master. I left the lights on in here, but I'm sure they'll turn them off. I don't know who else is in this room and who's in the next one, but whatever, it doesn't matter. I close my eyes and go to sleep.

\-----

I wake myself up from the trailer crash that seemed so real. I check the time, and it's 10:43. I sigh and force myself to go back to sleep.

\-----

Someone's rubbing my arm, and I startle awake, out of the dream. "It's just me," the familiar voice says. I look up at him. He's sitting next to me at the edge of the bunk. I notice he's just wearing his ripped up black jeans.

"Did you just get back?" I mumble.

"Yeah. Jake and Ashley are still outside talking to people," he says.

"You didn't have to come back here to check on me, you should talk to your fans."

"It could just be that I'm tired, you know," he says. But I know he's just saying it. "It's, like, one in the morning, is it ok if I sleep, too?" He says jokingly, although he is really asking if it's ok that we're sleeping in the same bunk. I move over for him. I just realize how much smaller these things are than my bed. He puts himself under the blanket next to me. It's not my house anymore, so I cant really tell him to put a shirt on. And I'm not sure how I feel about that. "I'll leave this light on, ok?" Andy says, pointing to the light to the bunk. The room light is off, but there are smaller lights at the head of each bunk.

"Yes please," I say in a small voice.

"K." He puts an arm around me and pulls himself closer, and as much as I know I shouldn't, I can't help but do the same. I love this new feeling of being close to someone, being able to hold on to them, and feel the heat of another person's body. I just want to absorb as much of this feeling as I can and keep it forever. And of course, my lips find their way to his in an aggressive kiss. I can't help but slide my right hand over his back and my other over his chest and pull myself as close to him as I can. He's holding me close to him with one hand. My hand finds its way down his chest and stomach to the waistline of his jeans. I know he wants it. I could do it. I trust him, why not just go for it?

I pull myself away. What am I doing? I have to stop doing this. "I'm sorry, Andy. I keep doing that. Letting you think I might do it, but then stopping. I'm sorry, Andy," I say quietly.

"Kayley, I'm not going to do anything you don't want me to do, stop apologizing."

"I know you aren't going to, but I keep letting you think you can, but then...chickening out." I know it was a poor choice of words.

"Well that's not really a fear I can help you with without you deciding you want to first. So it looks like that will be up to you."

My brain tells me I can't let it happen, but my body keeps ignoring my brain. And I'm mad at myself for it. So before I think about it, I use the emotion to reach up and turn the light off. He hugs me, probably wanting to comfort me or make me feel like I should associate the dark with good things or something, but he's still not wearing a shirt. So he's just turning me on again. I guess it's distracting me from the darkness, at least. I guess dark isn't really one of my biggest fears. I'm usually fine with it after I get used to it anyways, it's not something I really needed help with. I just close my eyes and do my best to ignore the feeling. "So how was the show?" I say, trying to distract myself.

"Good," he says simply. He's not trying to talk, and I'm not good at starting conversations.

"Do you miss home, Andy?"

"Yeah, but it's nice to get away for a while."

"But you're gone for so long."

"Travelling the world, living my dream," he says.

Someone walks into the room, so I don't answer. I just curl up next to him and go to sleep.


	19. Chapter 19

Andy and I are left in the bunk room alone again. He doesn't have a shirt on, and our faces are only a few inches apart. I give in to the temptation once again, throwing my arm over him and meeting his lips with mine. I pull myself as close to him as I can, like I could never get close enough. I feel his hands on my back. I find myself moaning into the kiss unintentionally. His hand travels down my back, and he pulls at the bottom of my shirt. I don't pull back this time. Instead, I pull him closer, deepening the kiss. I can trust him, right? My hands are rubbing his back hungrily as he positions himself over my body, pausing when he pulls my shirt over my head. I go to hold him again, but he sits up over me. "What's this?" He says, lightly touching the scars on my stomach.

"Nothing, Andy, it's fine," I say dismissively, reaching for him again, but he still doesn't move.

"Did you do this, Kayley?" He says, hurt filling his voice.

"It's fine, Andy," I say again.

"Why would you..." I see his clear blue eyes starting to tear up. It breaks my heart to see him looking at me like that. The exact reason why I didn't want him, or anyone else, to know.

"Please, Andy, I'm fine, don't worry about it," I say, trying not to start crying myself, but I know I'll fail. The tears are slowly sliding down his face. "I promise, I-I'll...I can stop," I say desperately, without thinking, my voice shaking.

"I thought I would be able to help, Kayley, but...I can't stand seeing this," he whispers, looking away.

"I'll get better, please!" He gets up and goes to my bag. He pulls out the mint tin and throws it on the floor with a metal clang, scattering the few blades I had in there. "I'll stop, Andy, I promise!" I beg, crying.

"No, you won't, Kayley, if you really wanted to stop, you would have already! You knew it was wrong, but you started anyways. You know what it's like when someone you care about hates themselves to the point where they destroy their own bodies, and you still did it." He pulls out my plastic bag of medical supplies and throws it on the ground. "Why'd you do it, then?"

"I just...I guess I was desperate," I whisper between sobs, "for a distraction."

"Bullshit, Kayley, you knew that wasn't how you should have handled it," he says angrily. I've never seen him get this upset or angry before, and if I wasn't so hysterical, I would probably be scared of him. But instead, I just cry.

"I won't do it anymore, Andy, I promise, I'll do anything, just believe me!" I beg.

"How can I believe you when I just found out you've been hiding this from me?!" He says, and I know it's true. "Take your stuff and get out."

"But Andy--"

"Now."

\-----

I hug the body in front of me, still shaking and crying. "I'm sorry, Andy, I'm so sorry," I say between sobs.

"It's ok," he says quietly, "it was just a dream."

I can't stop crying, and he just rubs my back, trying to calm me. "Andy?" I finally manage to say.

"Hm?"

"When you said you wanted to help me...did you mean it?"

"Of course I meant it."

"And you still do?"

"Yes, Kayley, I'll always be here for you."

"Even if I did something horrible? Even if I knew how bad it was, but I did it anyways?" I'm not phrasing this right.

"Yes, Kayley," he says firmly. "As long as you're honest about it," he adds.

I tense up. He wants to know. "It was part of the dream, I just wanted to make sure," I say.

"Ok," he doesn't sound convinced, but doesn't push the point. "Are you going back to sleep?" He asks after a minute.

I shake my head. This is the third time he has woke me up tonight. "Can we go for a walk or something? I want to get off this bus," I ask, still shaking.

"Mm five more minutes," he says, hugging me tighter. "I don't want to get up."

"K," I say, pulling myself into his chest. I close my eyes and try not to think. I focus on the rise and fall of Andy's chest. The steady rhythm of it is calming. It makes me feel like a little baby, who falls asleep to the rhythm of their mother's heartbeat. I look up at his face when I stop shaking.

"Good?" He asks. I nod, and we get up. Jake is still asleep in one of the other bunks. I pick up my bag and go to the bathroom. I take out one of the blades and hold it to my wrist, hesitating. I know it was just a dream, but I can't help but feel guilty for doing this. I wasn't able to control it, but I said I would stop. I just look at my wrist for a minute. I tell myself this can be the last time. I don't know how many times I've said that to myself, though. I get dressed and brush my teeth before going back out. Andy wasn't there, so I put my bag down and go to the front room. He's there, talking to the tour manager. "We're gonna go get some breakfast," Andy tells him.

"Don't be too long, I want to get going soon."

We go outside and start walking to I don't know where, but I don't care. It's nice to be outside. It's only been a day, and I'm sick of that bus. Andy lights a cigarette. I've always hated the smell they leave on people, but I don't say anything. I just put my hands in my pockets and walk in silence.

We end up finding a Denny's. It's pretty empty. We're sitting across from each other by the window. "When's the show in Chicago?" I ask Andy.

"Like, next week or something," he says. I didn't really expect him to know exactly when.

"Would I be able to visit my aunt there?" I ask.

"Sure. You're not avoiding her, like the rest of your family?"

"It's complicated," I say after a minute.

"We have time," he says.

It's not that it's a long story, I just don't really want to talk about it, and I'm sure he knows it. I sigh. "She has cancer, and the treatments aren't really helping," I say, poking at my food with a fork. "I've been meaning to visit her, but...I never really have the time or the money to go there. We were never really that close, though. I don't think she would...notice anything was really wrong with me." After a second, I say "I feel terrible that I never see her, or anyone else, you know." He just nods a little, not looking at me. So I eat the food in front of me quietly. It's weird, not worrying so much about what's in it after being vegan for, like, seven months or something.

"When's the next time you're staying in a hotel instead of the bus?" I ask him.

"I think we have three more shows, and then a day off," he says. "Are you regretting this already?"

"No," I say quickly. I don't regret my decision. It's supposed to turn out to be a positive experience in the end, right? "I just have to get used to it still."

The waitress comes with the check when we're done, and Andy picks it up. I take money out of my pocket and try to hand it to him, but he ignores me.

We start walking back to the bus, and he takes my right hand out of my pocket. "I'm always here, you know, if you need anything," he says.

"I know," I say, like a teenager tells her mom when she says something like that.

"So do you want to talk?"

"About what?" I say, like he's a friend again.

"Your dreams."

I tense up. "Not really," I mutter. He squeezes my hand and I sigh. There's no way I'm telling him what happens in that scary dream world.

"It might help." Why does he always ask such personal questions? And why should I answer them, anyways? It's not like I know anything about him.

"I guess my brain knows what I'm afraid of, and that's how it wants to tell me," I say, finally. "You don't really know what you're scared of until you have to face it, so if I never saw it in real life, I guess I wouldn't know."

"What's the next one?"

"Can't we talk about something else?" I say, trying not to get annoyed. I don't think I really made it through the driving thing yet. He doesn't answer. I sigh. "Elevators." He still doesn't answer, and I look at him.

"We could find a rest stop or a venue or something with one," he says.

I want to change the subject, but my social skills are so bad, I just can't. So I'm quiet. It's not as awkward or heavy as it used to be, though. I'm surprised at how quickly that happened. I'm surprised how quickly any of this happened, really. I don't know why I let it happen, either. Something will go wrong at some point, and I don't know how much more I'll be able to take. To be honest, I know my life doesn't really suck that much. I know there are people out there that go through worse. I admire their strength, because I know I wouldn't be able to take it. Andy lights another cigarette, and drops it before opening the bus door, and he leads me inside. Jinxx, Jake, and CC are in the front room, now, too. Andy says hi to them, and we walk back to the bunk room.

"You can hang out with them, you know," I say.

"I do that enough already."

We sit down next to each other on his bunk. "What do you do all day when you're stuck on this bus?"

He just shrugs, and I sigh, leaning back against the wall. "What did you do after we left yesterday?"

"Sleep."

"Before that."

"Draw."

"Are you any good?" He asks, sounding more interested now.

"Not really." I know I'm not an amazing artist, but I'm not terrible, either. I just do it for fun.

"I doubt that, let's see it," he says, smiling.

I knew I shouldn't have said anything. "It's not done yet."

"So?"

"You can't see it 'til it's done."

"I don't wanna wait," he whines playfully.

I curl my legs up on the bed next to me and face him. "I'm the slowest draw-er ever, so get used to it."

He puts his hands behind my head and his lips against mine, and I don't fight it. I just open my mouth and kiss back. I taste the cigarettes on his tongue. The bus lurches forward, and I flinch, clinging to him, ending the short kiss. I didn't mean to, but I guess that's a step forward. I just held on to him when I got nervous without even thinking about it. It makes me think of pretty much any abused animal. At first, it's scared of everything and always looks for a place to run and hide, but eventually, looks to a person for support and guidance in a situation. I don't know why I'm letting it happen to me. It hasn't even been a week. I force myself to let go and lean back against the wall with my hands in my pocket. He does the same and takes my right hand out of my pocket.

"You don't have to be afraid of us, you know," he says.

"I know," is all I say.

"How was high school for you?" He asks eventually. Why doesn't he ever ask fun questions?

"I did well, I guess. I was in a bunch of AP classes and stuff. I dropped out, like, half way through my senior year, though," I admit.

"Why?"

"'Cause Amber did, and I didn't want to leave her alone for six hours a day," I say. "I wasn't really bullied or anything, by that point. Just had to stand up for myself and my friends a couple times before people left us alone. To our faces, anyway, I'm sure people still talked shit, but whatever. School wasn't that bad for me." I feel like everyone complains about being bullied, but that's one thing I was able to get through. I never cared what others thought of me.

"You got in fights?"

"A few, I guess. It was to defend myself or others, though. I didn't want to hurt people, I did my best to avoid it, but I couldn't let them think I would take their shit," I say. "Don't act like you were a perfect child, Andy," I add.

"I am not," he says, smiling.

"Well how many fights did you get in, then?"

"I got beat up a lot," he says.

Not wanting to push the subject, I say "can you find out when we're going to be in Chicago?"

"Sure." He gets up and goes to the front of the bus. He comes back a couple minutes later and says "Next Sunday, the 21st. And we happen to be off the day after, too."

I just nod. That's good, I'll have some time there, then. He sits back down next to me, and I lay down with my head in his lap. I close my eyes and fall asleep.

\-----

Someone knocks on the door. It's nice, not having to wake myself up with a nightmare for a change. I sit up so Andy can go, but he takes my hand before standing up. "You're coming with us today," he says.

"Andy..."

"I'm sure they have an elevator, and we have plenty of time before people are allowed into the venue," he says.

I stand up slowly. "I don't want to get in the way..." At this, he pulls me after him through the door, not giving me room to protest.

The guys say hi to us, but I barely hear them. I don't know why I'm so nervous around them, I was fine after the concert. "I'll get Ashley," Jinxx says, going to the bunk rooms. I guess he stayed in the other room all morning.

"You watching the show tonight?" CC asks me. I didn't really plan on it, but I guess I am, so I nod.

"We're gonna go look around the venue," Andy says and we leave the bus. "They don't bite, you know," he says as we walk into the back entrance of the venue.

"I know, I'm just not good with people," I mutter. We walk around a little before finding an elevator by the main entrance that goes up to the back of the venue seating area. Andy presses the call button and the doors open. I'm not really shaking yet. He pulls me into the little space before the doors can close, and pushes the button to go up. I flinch when I feel the floor start to go up. He stops the elevator so we're stuck here.

"Is it the small space or the movement you don't like?" Andy asks, putting his arms around me in a gentle hug.

I just shake my head against his chest and put my now shaking hands around him, closing my eyes. He starts to hum Saviour quietly and I make myself focus on that. I don't know why, but I start to feel the sting of tears coming to my eyes. "Andy?" I say, my voice shaking slightly.

"What's the matter?" He whispers back.

"I don't know," I mutter.

"You can tell me," he encourages.

I take a deep breath. I know that. I don't really know why I'm getting upset. It's probably because of the way he's treating me. I feel like he actually cares about me. I don't know why I always end up crying at that, when people are showing true affection for someone, or even when animals show pure trust in someone. Maybe they're tears of joy, knowing there's still beauty in this world. Or maybe they're not, seeing how much I keep missing in life by always focusing on the ugly. "I know," is all I can say.

I feel him rubbing my back. "Do you want to write it?" He suggests.

I shake my head. I want to say something, but I don't know what to say. I mean, what can I say? Saying some sort of excuse will just make him think I did something wrong. Not that what I'm doing is ok, really, and I know it, but I'm not hurting anyone else as long as no one knows.

"Are you counting it as another thing you're afraid of?" He asks gently. Well, yeah, it is, but...I just can't. I don't want to say yes because I don't want to agree to telling him, but I don't want to say no, either. I don't know why, I lie about this all the time, but for some reason I just can't. So I don't say anything. And he'll take that as a yes, and then he'll find out, and then he'll leave me for being even more trouble than he thought I would be, and then I'll get even worse. I should just stop. I should just leave now, before it gets too hard.

I don't know how long we're just standing there holding each other before he takes my hand and turns the elevator back on. We arrive at the top of the venue and step out, looking down at the stage.

"When was the last time you actually stood back here?" I ask jokingly.

"Me and the guys go to concerts," he says, smiling.

"There you guys are, what are you doing up here?" Jinxx asks, coming up the stairs.

"Just looking around," Andy says.

"Well we still have sound check and the meet and great," he says and starts walking back down the stairs, and we follow.

"Do you want to meet the guys from the other bands?" Andy asks me as we walk to the back of the stage.

The other bands are Ghost Town and Memphis May Fire. I didn't know who they were before the show, but they sounded good live. It would still be cool to meet them, right? If I wasn't so socially awkward..."No," I say. "Not today," I add, realizing how stupid I'm being for passing this up. "Do you mind if I go call Lizzy while you're doing sound check?"

"Go ahead," he says, letting go of my hand.

I find the bathroom so I can have some quiet and take out my phone. I call my Aunt first, to let her know I want to visit her. I end up giving her the whole story of why I'm able to go. She still doesn't sound very good. Then I call Lizzy, who tells me not to worry so much. I think about calling my mom to let her know how the tour is going, but I decide not to. She'll probably call me soon enough to find out, anyways.

I stand by the side of the stage and watch the show, and I go back to the bus before they finish playing In The End so I don't have to walk past all the fans after it ends. I try to tell myself not to waste my alone time on cutting, but the habit is still there and I'm not strong enough to fight it. I fall asleep before Andy comes to bed.


	20. Chapter 20

The next day goes by the way they've all been going. Andy wakes me up from a dream when he comes back to the bus after that show and lays down next to me. "You never told me another thing you're afraid of, you know," he says after I curl myself up next to him.

"I think I'm out of ones you can help me with right now," I say.

"Well what else is there?" He pushes.

After a second, I say slowly "Planes...doctors...s-sex..." I'm hating this, admitting these things to another person. "And losing people," I finish.

"When was the last time you went to a doctor?" He asks. I don't even know, so I just don't answer. I shouldn't have said anything. I can't see a doctor. "We could do that at some point. And a plane ride, too." I still don't answer, and he sighs. "We're off tomorrow, so the guys are going to a club if you want to come," he says, changing the subject.

I shake my head. "You're going with them, though, right?"

"Not if you aren't."

"Yeah you are. I can be alone for a little while, Andy, don't worry about me so much." Now it's his turn to not answer. "You should hang out with them, you've been helping me avoid them. I feel him nod a little and someone walks into the room, so I close my eyes and go back to sleep.

\-----

It was already predetermined how many rooms they were getting at the hotel. It was supposed to be two to a room. I guess I shouldn't really mind, though, I've been sharing a bed with Andy and a room with Jake and their tour manager anyways. But I enjoyed the privacy we had in my room. Not that we really did anything differently, but it just felt more secure.

Anyways, Jinxx put some of his stuff in the room, but than he left, probably to actually do something with the guys while Andy stayed in here with me. I sit on the bed and start to flip through the channels on the TV. "You're going with the guys tonight," I tell him.

"I don't have to," he says.

"You've been leaving me alone for the shows, I don't see why you're so worried about me now. I'm fine, Andy." After a second, I continue. "What do you think is going to happen when you're not here, anyways?"

"I just...want to make sure you're ok, I guess." He says quietly.

I glance at him sideways to see if there was any sort of emotion on his face, and he's trying to hide it. "I'm fine, Andy, why don't you believe me?" I say, starting to get anxious.

"This tour has been pretty stressful for you so far, it's supposed to be good for you. You don't seem to be enjoying it, and I just keep pushing you. You've been through enough already, I don't want to add to it," he says, and I can hear it in his voice that he means it.

I put down the remote and wrap my arms around him. "Andy, this is going great. I've been alone since I moved out of my parents house, with no one pushing me to do anything that's actually good for me. Everyone goes through something, that's just how life goes, it's just up to me to deal with it, not you. And you're helping me, Andy, I promise, more than anyone else has ever even tried," I tell him. I've never been very good at saying these kinds of things, but I do my best. "You're going out and having fun tonight," I tell him. He hugs me back and kisses my head.

"I'm going to take a shower," he says after a minute, taking my hand. My heart starts pounding again and I look at him. The fear and shock is probably written across my face. He laughs a little quietly and lets go of my hand as he gets up. He takes his time walking to the bathroom, and looks back at me before closing the door.

He tells me he thinks he's pushing me too much, and then tries to get me in the shower with him? _Yeah right_ , I think to myself. I look back at the TV. I had stopped on some news report about a rapist's trial. I pick up the remote and turn off the TV.

\-----

"Really, Andy?" I can't help saying, closing my eyes and laying back on the bed when he walks out of the bathroom in a dangerously low white hotel towel.

"What?" He says, smiling innocently.

"What if Jinxx came back in here, you still would have walked out like that?"

"I left my clean clothes out here!" He protests, picking them up. I just smile, still not looking at him, although I may have peaked again before he closed the bathroom door behind him, and I'm sure he saw it.

I'm just laying there, smiling dumbly, and I don't try to stop myself. I don't even realize when he comes back out until he flops down next to me. It startles me, and I flinch and open my eyes. He smiles and rolls over to look back at me. We haven't had many of these kinds of moments, where we look at each other and I feel like I need him, not because I'm anxious or upset, but because I actually enjoy his presence. Because he fills an emptiness I might have never known was even there. I come in closer and peck his lips, still smiling. I feel his smile get bigger, too, as he throws his arms around me and playfully kisses my lips. He pulls at my bottom lip, asking for entrance, but I keep my mouth closed teasingly. He bites and licks as I giggle. "You're gonna get it now!" he says, laughing, and starts tickling me.

I gasp, but I can't help laughing. Another thing Lizzy used to make fun of me for was my spazziness, but she backed off when I made it pretty obvious I didn't like it after I started cutting. We were the kind of friends in high school that acted more like sisters. We would beat each other up and argue about stupid things just for the hell of it. I'm laughing uncontrollably now, despite the occasional bit of pain as he brushes over a fresh scab on my sides or stomach. I guess I've done a good enough job of hiding them from him. "Andy, that tickles!" I laugh. He puts his lips back on mine and I throw my arms around him, tangling my fingers in his wet hair. I kiss him back, still laughing. It actually feels like a happy kiss, instead of all the desperate and uncontrolled ones I've initiated. There's a knock on the door, and I jump.

"Yeah?" Andy calls, and the door opens. He doesn't make any attempt to untangle himself as Jinxx walks in, but I take my hands out from behind him.

"I just wanna shower before we go," Jinxx says, picking up some stuff he had put in here before. "Are you coming with us?"

"Yes, he is," I answer before he says anything.

"They open at nine, we have, like, three hours," Jinxx says, closing the bathroom door.

Andy looks back at me. "You're going," I tell him again. I realize how stupid I'm being. I'm making him go to a club, where he's probably going to get wasted and then come back all fuzzy and unsteady. I hadn't really thought about it, but now that I have, I don't really like it.

No, I trust him. He won't do anything bad, we'll be fine. He deserves a break.

"Are you coming, too, then?" He says.

"No, I don't do that kind of shit," I answer, and sit back up on the bed.

"Want to do something? We have time," he says, sitting up next to me.

"Like what?"

"The hotel has a pool."

"I don't swim," I say.

"Want to get something to eat?"

"Sure."

\-----

"We're going now!" Someone yells from the other side of the door.

"Coming!" Andy calls back. Jinxx had already left the room by the time we got back. We both stand up and I give him a hug. "You sure you're ok? You don't want to come?"

"I'm fine, Andy," I say, letting go of him. "Have some fun." I straighten up to kiss his cheek before he goes. I smile and wave as he walks out the door.


	21. Chapter 21

I wake up with tears on my face, and I'm disappointed to find that I'm alone. I've gotten more used to Andy always being there than I expected myself to. I get up to get some water. It's 12:04. After debating it with myself, I decide to cut my wrist to try to get the images of the lifeless bodies from my dream out of my head. I watch as the blood drips from my wrist to the clean white sink until the bleeding stops.

As I close my eyes to go back to sleep, the door opens, rather loudly, and I see Andy walk in. Yeah, I left one of the lights on so it wouldn't be too dark. "Hey, you're back already?" I say cautiously.

"Yeah, I walked back, the others are still there," he says, only slightly less articulated than usual.

"You should have stayed longer, Andy," I say.

He walks over to the bed, bumping into it as he lays down. I feel like I've just been trapped. He's not acting terribly drunk, but he's not acting normal, either. I want to close my eyes and go to sleep and just try to ignore him, but I can't. I don't trust him right now to be able to close my eyes. There's nothing he can really do, though, just because my eyes are closed, right? Even if he's not thinking straight, I don't think there's anything terrible that he would do that I couldn't handle. I would wake up if he did, anyways.

But all I can do is meet his gaze. I stare into his blue eyes in the faint light, and he looks back at me. As much as I know I should, I don't protest when he puts both his hands behind my head and kisses my lips. I just kiss him back. I feel as his hand moves down my side and to my stomach. I can taste the alcohol in his mouth, and I know I should stop. His hand travels up to the middle of my chest. He can probably feel my heart pounding a hundred miles an hour. I move my hand so it's over his, trying to tell him not to go any further. I don't know why I thought he would get the message. He continues to move his hand so it's over my breast, and I stutter. He pulls me in closer, massaging my chest roughly. In my panic, my brain stops working and my body keeps going. There's no more space between us, and I can clearly feel the bulge in his pants pressed against me. He's not sober, I shouldn't let him do this right now, but I can't stop and I don't know why. I've stopped him before, I don't know why I can't bring myself to it right now. As long as I keep my clothes on, I'm fine, right? I just keep kissing him roughly. He pushes his body tight against mine, deepening the kiss further.

I gasp a little in alarm when he rolls over so that he is lying on top of me. I know in my mind that I'm in trouble now, but I still won't back off. I feel his left hand moving down my side and I tense up a little. "Andy, not right now," I mutter into the kiss. His hand stops for a second, but then grabs the hem and starts to pull it up anyways. "Andy!" I say, finally snapping back to reality, and grab his hand quickly. He looks at me, and I can see a mixture of confusion and anger in his eyes as his slowed-down mind tries to process what just happened. I feel the fear coming in as I start to process it, too.

I get up, pushing him off stubbornly before he can think about doing anything else. I pick up my phone, put on my shoes and walk to the door. "Let me know when you're sober," I say, slamming the door behind me.

\-----

I sit at a table, looking out the window and occasionally taking a sip of coffee. I don't usually drink coffee because the caffeine doesn't go well with my anxiety, but I just don't care right now. I walked pretty far without realizing it, but I found a McDonalds that was open all night that I could wait in for a couple hours. I keep thinking that maybe I shouldn't have stopped him. Maybe his head would have been too fuzzy to even notice all the scars. Maybe I would have been able to get over my fear of losing my virginity without having him know about them.

And then I keep reminding myself that he might have gotten too rough, or that I would finally be giving him something back, but he'll barely be able to enjoy it if he's not sober. I should just accept the fact that I'm going to die a virgin.

It's around five in the morning when my phone finally rings, showing Andy's number. I sigh and let it ring a few times before I pick it up. "Hello?"

"Kayley, are you ok?" Andy says anxiously. I'm silent. "Kayley? Where are you?"

"I'm fine, Andy," I say quietly.

"Where are you?" He says again, still anxious. I don't answer. "Kayley...I'm so sorry, Kayley," he says more quietly now.

"You weren't drunk enough to forget that?" I say, not meaning to let the edge into my voice.

"I'm so sorry," he whispers again. I can picture him sitting on the edge of the hotel bed with the heartbreakingly sad look on his face and the phone to his ear.

"Yeah, I'm sure," I say sourly. I know it's not his fault. I told him to go, let him get as far as he did, and made him stop when I got uncomfortable. He didn't do anything wrong, he only did what I let him, really. But for some reason, I don't care right now. I'm getting some sort of sick enjoyment out of hearing him talk to me like this. No, not for some reason, like every other human, I want to blame everything I do on someone else. "What made you realize I was gone, your lonely dick?" I say bitterly. I know how bad I am with insults.

He doesn't answer right away. "I woke up when Jinxx came in the room and he asked me where you were," he admits. "Kayley, you have every right to be mad at me. I took advantage of your trust in me." He takes a breath. "I get it if you want to go home or you hate me now or something, but please...can I just come see you?" His voice cracks, and my defensive side is gone.

"I'll be there in a minute," I say quietly and hang up.


	22. Chapter 22

I walk back in the direction I came, hoping I won't get lost in the fog. I wasn't thinking much about where I was going when I got here. The image of Andy making that phone call is still stuck in my head, and I fight back tears, realizing I caused it. All he has ever done is help me, and this is what I do to him? He deserves so much better than me. I should just leave now so he can find someone else. Even if I don't, he'll realize it himself eventually.

All too soon, I can see the tour bus sitting in front of the hotel. He's waiting for me by the bus and I walk over, hands in pockets. I thought I would run up and hug him when I saw the Andy I know, but something's holding me back, something I hadn't realized before. The trust I tried so hard to put in him has dimmed.

He says my name, sounding relieved, and steps toward me. I flinch, and he stops where he is about five feet away, the sadness clear on his face, and my heart breaks for him. I'm acting like he beat me or something. If I had known letting him get as far as he did would do this to me, I wouldn't have let him. "I'm sorry I acted like that, Andy, it's not your fault," I say quietly. "You were able to control yourself, I was just letting you because I wanted to. And when I told you to stop, you did. It's my fault, not yours."

"Don't blame yourself, Kayley," he says, taking another step towards me. "You trusted me to go out to a club to have some fun, but instead, I drank and tried to take it out on you. You have every right to be angry with me right now."

"I'm not mad..." I say. "You deserve someone who would have went along with it and doesn't complain so much, though."

"Stop telling yourself that," he says, taking another step. I tense this time, and he notices. "Kayley...I know I shouldn't ask, but is there any way I could fix this?" He says, somewhat desperately.

"You know me better than anyone else, Andy, you can find a way," I say, knowing how vague it sounds. "I don't hate you, I haven't been this close to someone in so long, I guess I just...forgot how people work or something." I know it sounds stupid. There's no way for me to say I trusted him, and I still do, but not in the same way. I trusted him to be around me and to get to know me before, but now, even if I that might be a little further away, I trust him to be able to get that back. He didn't do anything wrong, and I fucked him up when I let him think that on the phone.

I force myself to step forward and hug him because I know he wants to, but he won't do anything he thinks I don't want, even something small like this. "I still trust you, you still mean nothing but good. I haven't known you personally for that long, but you've done so much for me, and for nothing in return." I make a decision on the spot that I know I shouldn't say out loud, but the guilt of what I did to him makes me say it anyways. "I'll stay with you for as long as you want me to, Andy. I trust you, I promise," I whisper. I hug him tighter, and he hugs me back. It just took getting over the little fear of the initial touch for me to realize how much I need it.

'Can we just pretend this whole thing never happened?' I want to say, because I know he's going to be acting extra cautious in every little thing he does around me now, and I just want things to go back to the way they were before. But I don't say anything. What is a relationship without it's trials? Every relationship is tested, it's just a part of life. We can't just push these kinds of things away, they're a part of what will make us stronger.

"What time do you have to be at the venue?" I ask, trying to change the subject.

"Like, five."

"Can we go back to bed? I'm tired," I say, even though it's not true. I just drank coffee for the first time in years. He nods and we walk back to the room holding hands. We open the door quietly so we don't wake up Jinxx and go to bed. Andy leaves space between us, and I hate it. I've gotten used to being near him, and even after what just happened, I still want it. I roll over and put my arm around him. "Andy, I've never been this close to someone in this way before, and I want to keep this. I trust you, honestly. You're not trusting yourself, though." He turns to face me, and I want to kiss him. "I'm over it already, Andy, don't worry about it. I'm sorry I was such a bitch about it, but...I promise, I'm fine." He puts his arms around me. I hide myself in his chest, making fists in his shirt, wanting to stay like this forever, and go to sleep.

\-----

Andy rubs my back gently, waking me up. I hug him tightly, still crying. "I'm so sorry, Andy," I say desperately. I had the dream where Andy sees my scars and kicks me out again.

"It's ok," he says quietly, trying to comfort me.

"It's not ok, Andy, I keep having the same damn dreams, and they're just going to keep happening, and there's nothing I can do about it. I might as well stay awake forever, they just fuck with my brain and I keep getting worse and I just...I can't, Andy, I don't want to deal with this anymore," I say, feeling exhausted for some reason.

"I'm sure drinking coffee before you sleep doesn't help," he says, and I look at him. "You smell like coffee." I guess, but I just thought it was weird at first he knew that when I hadn't said anything. I guess I knew he was pretty observant, he has figured out too much about me on his own already. "What was this one about?" He asks, like it's nothing, like I could just open up and tell him right now.

"Shit," I say. "It was about shit."

"Ok, well what kind of shit?" He says. I guess he's acting pretty normal right now, like the way he was two days ago. That also means he's not going to let me get away with not answering his questions.

"I don't want to talk about it, Andy."

"I can't help you if I don't know what I'm trying to help you with, Kayley." He knows me too well, he's going to find a way to pull the information out of me if he really wants to.

"What if I just lie?"

"You're not going to," he says simply. "Just talk about it, I promise I'm not going to judge you for it or whatever you're afraid of, and it'll stay between us."

"I dreamed that..." My heart is pounding and my hands start shaking. I want to just lie, but at the same time, I want to get this out so I don't always feel so guilty about keeping it from him. "that you told me to leave." I manage to say. I brace myself for how he might react, but he just hugs me tighter, rubbing my back.

"Talking about it will help, Kayley, I promise. Start from the beginning and talk about whatever you remember."

"Andy, I...I-I can't. I can't talk about it." He just waits patiently for me to continue, rubbing my back. All he's ever wanted to do is help me. He knows when to push me into things and when to back off. He'll make me talk if he has to sit here like this for another four hours. "We were on the bus..." I start slowly, my voice shaking. "And we were...going to do it..." My whole body is shaking violently and I cling to him to try to steady myself. "But you saw me and..." I'm trying desperately to keep myself from crying, but the tears are coming anyways. "and you told me to leave." I'm crying quietly and shaking, waiting for him to say something.

I don't know how long I waited until he finally says something. "There's more to it that you're not saying."

"What?" I say, looking at him through the tears.

"You asked the other day if I would hate you if you did something wrong on purpose and that it was part of the dream."

"Andy..." I'm still shaking.

"It's good to talk about it, Kayley, and I promise I'm not going to hate you for it or whatever you think is going to happen." He looks into my eyes. "Trust me."

I want to lie, but looking into his eyes, I can't. But I can't say it, either. So I look away. "In the dream, I cheated on you." I whisper.

He lifts my head so I'm looking at his eyes again. "You're not making it any better for yourself by lying."

"I can't, Andy, I can't tell you. I know I shouldn't keep these things inside, but I can't tell you them, either. Please, just, stop asking." I break down in tears, shaking uncontrollably as sobs take over my whole body.

"I'm sorry I keep pushing you, Kayley," he whispers. "But I'm not leaving you, so please...don't let that scare you. I'll always be here for you, you can tell me anything." I barely hear him over the dying animal sounds I can't stop making. I find his lips blindly with mine in a desperate attempt to stop crying. I kiss him clumsily, the tears still coming and my body still shaking, but the sobs slow. Something about talking about the dream, combined with what just happened only a few hour ago, and everything else, it's just making me desperate for some sort of escape. I want to do it, but I just blew up trying to tell him I couldn't give him this secret. I decide I just want to feel his hands on me again, the way he did last night, like we had no secrets. I don't know how to tell him that, but he'll keep his hands on my back if I don't do anything. And I don't want him to think I want to do too much, either.

Whatever, I don't care right now. He says he won't do anything I don't want him to. He doesn't usually have a shirt on when he's in bed, anyways. I find the bottom of his shirt and slide my hand under it. I move my hand over his back hungrily, still kissing him, and than over his hard abs and chest. His hands are still on my back. I pause the kiss to pull his shirt over his head, and than push myself back up against him. I rub his back, and move a hand down to the waistline of his jeans, trying to get him to do something. I don't want sex, I just want him to move his hands around some more. Even though it was an accident last night, he keeps getting me used to going a little bit further, and that counted too. Getting frustrated, I bump my hips into him. I know I'm being stupid, this isn't how I should be doing this. I roll over on top of him, spreading my legs over him, still kissing him. He moves his hands down my sides, but stops kissing me back. "We're not having sex just so you can distract yourself, Kayley," he says.

I look into his eyes, which are only a few inches away from mine. "I know, I just..." I feel stupid and kind of embarrassed right now. "I want you to use your hands a little more." There's a mixture of surprise and confusion on his face. "I don't know if you're doing it on purpose, but you keep getting me to go one step further and...I think something inside me is telling me I do want it, but...slowly, like you've been doing it, I guess." I know how stupid it sounds. "I don't hate you for what you did last night, Andy, if anything, it helped, I just...I'm sorry I freaked out about it." I can't have sex with him, I shouldn't tell him this. I don't want him to think I will when it's a lie.

"You mean you want me to..." He still looks confused.

I nod. "I just still want to keep my clothes on," I say, feeling guilty now about taking his shirt off. He looks so innocent right now. "It's ok, Andy," I say, and put my lips back on his. I put my hands between him and the bed, holding his shoulders awkwardly as he slowly starts to move his hands up and down my sides a few times. He pauses on the sides of my rib cage, asking if that was really what I meant. I push myself against him. He starts to move his hands towards my chest, still unsure. I keep kissing him, and he positions his hands gently over my breasts. I push my hands into his shoulders, trying to tell him he could get a little stronger. He starts rubbing my chest, still trying to stay gentle, but it's a step forward. We're both trying to trust each other and ourselves. I moan into the kiss a little, surprising myself. And I'm also surprised when he takes this to mean he can get a little rougher. I mean, I'm ok with it, I just thought he would be a little more cautious. I moan again and push my body tighter against him, deepening the kiss more. Now I don't know what to do with my hands, but I am enjoying this more than I ever thought I would, and I think he's starting to trust himself to get into it, too. I'm pretty turned on right now, and I know that isn't good, but I don't care. I wanted to distract myself, and it's working.

He rolls us over so he's on top now, and I still don't mind. I told him I'm keeping my clothes on, and he'll respect that. He keeps massaging my breasts and kissing me roughly for a few more seconds before moving his hands down my sides as he sits up over me. "I have to stop," he says quietly before I can start to get anxious.

I smile at him. "Thank you, Andy," I say quietly. He does whatever I ask, and still knows his, and my, limitations.


	23. Chapter 23

Before I know it, we're on our way to our hotel in Chicago. There wasn't as much tension between me and Andy as I thought there would be, which is good. If anything, the opposite happened after I told him to do it again. Every relationship will have it's ups and downs.

The concert just ended, and me and Andy are going to visit my Aunt tomorrow. "Are you nervous?" Andy asks me.

"Yeah, but not as much as when I saw my parents," I answer honestly.

"When was the last time you saw her?"

"She comes to New York for Christmas, but I didn't go this year, so the year before that."

"Have you ever been to Chicago?"

"Once, when I was 15 for her birthday," I say. "I'm board." I turn to face him and put my arms around his neck.

He smiles, putting his hands on my waist. "Yeah?" He kisses my lips playfully.

\-----

Someone knocks on the door and opens it. "We're here, if you guys want an actual bed," Ashley says, walking to the next room and I blush. At some point during that kiss, I ended up sitting in his lap, and Andy has his right hand on my breast. I guess he'll take what he can get until I actually let him fuck me, which will never happen.

"Come on," I say, taking Andy's hand and standing up. I pick up my bag and Andy takes some stuff.

We walk into the hotel, and their manager hands Andy a key. He looks at it and says to me "fourth floor, we're taking the elevator."

"That's not a lot of stairs," I protest. He presses the elevator call button and the door opens. I follow him in and flinch when the floor starts moving up. He rubs my hand with his thumb, and the door opens back up in a couple seconds.

"Was that so bad?" He says, stepping out of the elevator. We drop our stuff on the floor and curl up next to each other in the bed.

\-----

My phone vibrating in my pocket wakes me up. I guess I never put on my pajamas last night. I get up to go to the hall to answer it without waking anyone, and notice my bag is open. And the mint tin is on top. I look back at Jinxx and Andy, who are still asleep. I push it back to the bottom of my bag and close it. I don't know why that was like that. I know I left it closed, and the tin is always on the bottom.

I go out to the hall and look at my phone. It was my mom. I call her back. "Hey, I thought I would have heard from you by now!" She says. "Are you on tour?"

"Yeah, we're in Chicago. I'm going to visit Aunt Barbara today," I tell her.

"Oh, very nice. Are you having fun?"

"Yeah, I guess. It's weird being away from Bailey for so long."

"You're ok, though? Is it helping at all?"

"Mhm, Andy really wants to try to help me."

"Oh, that's great! See, it's ok to put yourself out there."

"I went in Amber's room before I left," I decide to tell her quietly.

She's silent for a second. "You're ok?" She asks again.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I lie. I shouldn't have said anything, I don't want to talk about it.

"Andy was with you?"

I hesitate before saying "yes."

The door opens and Andy steps out, looking relieved when he sees me. "There you are!" He says, hugging me. He probably thought I ran away again or something.

"I'm on the phone," I whisper to him, smiling.

"Oh, sorry," he says, kissing the top of my head and going back to the room.

"Sorry," I say to my mom, hoping she'll talk about anything else now.

"He's cute."

"Mom!" I sound like a whiny teenager.

"I'm just saying!" She says. I've always done my best to avoid letting her talk about boys, it makes me uncomfortable. "What's it like, being on a tour bus for hours every day with a bunch of guys?"

"I'm fine, Ma," I say, trying to let her know that, well, I'm fine.

"Are you sure? There's no other girls with you, right? And he could get a little drunk or something and--"

"I'm fine, Mom, don't worry about it," I interrupt her.

"Just stay safe, ok honey?"

"Yeah, I know," I say in an annoyed voice. "You can visit Bailey, if you're ever around there," I say to change the subject.

"Yeah, next time I'm over there I'll say hi to her." After a second, she says "how are you doing on money?"

"I'm fine," I lie. I've had to take some of the money out that I had put aside in case I needed it for some sort of emergency.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm fine. I have to go, but I'll let you know how things are going with Aunt Barbara, ok?" I say in an attempt to get out of this conversation.

"Ok, love you honey!"

"Love you too, Mom." I hang up and check the time. It's still early. I'm surprised I didn't wake myself up any sooner. We got to the hotel around one, and I only remember having one nightmare.

I walk back into the room. "Good morning!" Andy says, hugging me.

"Why are you acting so happy to see me?" I ask, smiling up at him.

"What, you don't like it?" He smiles back at me. I reach up and kiss his lips. "How'd you sleep last night?"

"I think that was a new record, I went, like, seven hours and only woke up once," I say smiling.

"Yeah? I thought maybe you had another one you just didn't wake up for or something."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask, confused.

"Never mind," he says, so I dismiss it.

"What time do we have to leave for the next show?" I ask.

"Around three," he says. "We can have the guys pick us up from your aunt's apartment on the way. Do you know when she's picking us up?"

"You're coming too?"

"Do you not want me to?"

"No, you can come," I say. "I don't know, I have to let her know what hotel we're in still."

"Ok, you want to go get some breakfast first? I'm pretty sure they have food here."

"K, just give me a minute, I still have to change." I let go of him, pick up my bag, and go to the bathroom. I think it's stupid that some hotels put the sink outside the bathroom, so I just cut my leg before I take a shower.

After breakfast, I call my aunt and tell her what hotel we're in. She sounds worse than she did the last time I talked to her, and that was only a week or two ago. "So do I get to meet your boyfriend?" She asks.

I laugh a little. She's not as protective as my parents, if anything, she'll just outright ask how many times we've fucked so far or something. "Yeah."

"Ok, I'll pick you guys up in, like, an hour, so around 11:30?"

"Ok, see you then," I say, and hang up.


	24. Chapter 24

"I think my aunt is here," I tell Andy, pulling my face away from his and checking my phone. "Yeah, she just texted me." I guess we just use most of our free time together to make out, and I've started sitting in his lap, too. It's a strange feeling for me, but so is everything else until I get used to it, and than I eventually enjoy it.

"K," he says, taking my hand. I stand up and walk out the door.

"Stairs?" I ask.

"Elevator."

We find my aunt waiting for us in the lobby. "Kayley!" She says when she sees us and hugs me. She takes a step back and looks at me. "I haven't seen you in so long! How are you?"

"Good, how 'bout you?"

"Oh, still breathing." She sounds worse in person than on the phone. I don't know how much the whole 'you're dying' thing sinks in, because she takes it as more of a joke than anything serious. "Is this your boyfriend?" She asks. I blush. I don't think we've ever really made that official. I thought he was just pretending for my parents or trying to get laid or something, but I guess he could be considered my 'boyfriend.' He acts like it, at least. Well, I think he does. I've never had a boyfriend, so I don't really know.

"I'm Andy," he says and shakes her hand.

She drives us back to her apartment building and we walk past the front desk to the elevators. "Are there stairs?" I ask.

"Why, you don't like elevators?" She says. I shake my head and she points down the hall. "They're over there, you can walk up 48 flights of stairs, but I'm taking the elevator."

I look at Andy. I'd still rather take the stairs. "Elevator," he says. I shouldn't have even bothered to ask him.

I take Andy's hand as we step into the elevator and probably crush his hand when it moves. My aunt notices, but doesn't say anything. I'm surprised at how quickly we get to the 48th floor.

We walk into her apartment, and there is a short hallway to the living room with the kitchen on the left and two doors on the right that I assume are her bedroom and a bathroom. It's pretty small, but I guess it's ok for one person. My house isn't much bigger, anyways. We walk into the living room, which has a couch and two chairs, one in front of a desk with a computer and a stack of papers on it. "Do you want to stay in here, or go outside?" Aunt Barbara asks. I just notice the door to a porch.

"Outside," I say. I like to be outside whenever I get the opportunity. I hadn't realized how much I would rather be outside until I left home and got myself stuck on that bus.

There is a round table with four chairs around it, with the porch of every other apartment in the building above and below it, and we sit down. I miss the fresh air. We've been driving through so many cities, and they all smell like trucks and piss. I don't understand why anyone would rather live here than where there's less people and cleaner air. Especially my aunt, who can barely breathe in the first place.

My aunt picks up the pack of cigarettes on the table and lights one. Andy takes one out of his pack, too. I glare at him, but he ignores me. It's an addiction, I know I can't stop him. "You're still smoking?" I ask Aunt Barbara.

"Yeah, well, I'm gonna die anyways, the damage is already done. Don't want to torture myself with trying to quit, too," she says, puffing smoke from her mouth. The reality of the damage it's doing really hasn't gotten through her thick skull.

"I'm gonna get some water," I say to get away from the smell.

I go to the kitchen and find a plastic cup. I fill it with cold water and try to wash the taste of the smoke and city air out of my mouth. I fill it up again because I know I'll want the excuse not to talk and take it outside.

"I didn't get to see you for Christmas this year," she says when I sit down.

"Yeah, I got sick," I lie, not looking at her.

She looks at me, but I'm glad she doesn't push the subject. She was never that good at reading me, but I know I'm pretty bad at lying. And she never really tries to make me talk about things I don't want to talk about either. If it was that important to her that I told her the truth, she would just say it. I say something shitty about the view to change the subject.

"You still have that horse?" She asks. I nod. "What was her name again?"

"Bailey."

"How is she doing?"

I know she really couldn't care less about her, she doesn't like animals in the least. So I just say "good."

"How many times have you fallen off of her so far?"

I smile a little. "None. She's gotten a lot better since the last time you saw her." I guess I really haven't seen anyone in so long that everyone still thinks of her as the nervous animal she was when I got her.

My phone starts ringing, and as much as I love talking about Bailey, I'll take anything I can get to get out of here. I see that it's Lizzy, and of course I panic. What if something happened to Bailey? "Yeah? Is everything ok?" I answer anxiously and walk back inside without saying anything to Andy or Aunt Barbara.

"Yeah, Bailey's ok, I just wanted to let you know she slipped a little in her paddock." I feel someone put an arm around me and I gasp and tense up. I know it's just Andy, but it still startled me. "She was taking a nap standing up, and she fell on her knees, but she got right back up and it doesn't seem to be hurting her. She has a little scrape, but nothing bad. I just thought I should let you know." She sounds like she didn't want to tell me, like she thinks I'm going to blow up on her or something.

"Thank you for telling me," I say, trying to sound like I mean it. I really am glad that she let me know, but I still wish that I was there with her. "Have you been able to ride her at all lately?"

"Yeah, and she goes fine."

"Are the paddocks slippery?" I ask.

"No, they're fine, It just looked like she was falling asleep." Horses can sleep standing up, but it's only that kind of dreamy state of sleep. They still have to lay down to get a deep sleep.

Ok, that's good. It's just bothering me because she hasn't done that in so long. She used to do that when I first got her because she was afraid of lying down, but she got comfortable enough eventually. "Wait...have you seen her lying down at all since I left?"

Lizzy is quiet for a second, and than says "no, I don't think so. At least, I haven't seen her."

"In the stall at night?"

"No, she's been sleeping standing up."

Bailey's not comfortable. She misses me. My eyes start to tear up at the realization.

"She's ok, though? Nothing's bothering her?"

"Yeah, she's moving fine, I just covered the scrapes. They're not bad, I just wanted to keep them clean."

"Ok, thanks. Thanks for letting me know," I say, trying to sound calm. "Let me know if she does it again."

"Yup, no problem."

"Everything else is good?"

"Yeah, we're all good."

"Ok. Thanks," I say, and wait to see if she says anything else before hanging up.

I hug Andy. "Bailey misses me," I whisper, still holding back tears. Andy rubs my back. I know I can't stay here like this, I came to see my Aunt. I take a deep breath and stand up, holding his hand. "I'll tell you later," I whisper, and walk back outside.

"Sorry," I say to my Aunt. "It was important." I drink some water to try to calm myself down.

"Oh, don't worry about it," she says, looking at us holding hands. "So when is the baby due?"

I choke on the water, and she laughs. I see Andy smirk a little, too. "What?" I can't help saying.

"You two seemed pretty friendly, I was wondering when the baby is due," she says again, still laughing.

"I-I'm not pregnant," I stutter.

"Oh, so you two are being responsible and using protection, ok," she says.

She seems to be enjoying this, and I just want her to stop. "I'm a virgin," I say without thinking, hoping she'll shut up.

"Aww, well what are you waiting for? You two are cute together!" She laughs, and I probably look like a deer in the headlights. I knew she would say something like that eventually, but it still caught me off guard.

I think Andy notices, so he changes the subject.


	25. Chapter 25

I got out of there as soon as Andy got the text that the bus was in front of the apartment building. I feel guilty, always trying to get away from my family.

We're on our way to the next venue. I don't bother to keep track of where we are. It just changes every day. Everything looks the same, anyways. "Do you still hate buses?" Andy asks me.

"Yeah, but not as much with you here," I answer honestly.

"So it is helping a little, then?"

"Yeah, I guess." As much as I hate to admit it, knowing that the crowded little bus is my break, where I am either alone or with Andy, makes it seem less threatening.

"Do you ever wear t-shirts or something? You always have a sweatshirt on."

I'm sure he's had to at least considered the possibility of me cutting by now, he can read me so easily, and he could have accidentally seen or felt a scab or something at some point, but still. I shrug. "I just wear whatever's comfortable."

"So you wouldn't in the summer, then?" No, but I nod. "Did you bring the bracelet?" I nod hesitantly. My hands are starting to shake, and I'm sure he can feel that in the hand he's holding. "Can I see it?" He asks.

"It's in my bag," I lie, getting up.

"I can get it," he says, but I ignore him. I slip it off my wrist and pretend to take it out of my bag. It was under my sleeve, and I didn't want to try to get it off right in front of him. He has definitely thought of it, and he wants to prove it to himself I don't. And I can't prove that. I have no way to tell him I don't cut but my words, which won't be enough for him. I've given him plenty of reasons to think otherwise, and he's pushing me for it now. He'll probably just look at my wrist while I'm asleep if I don't give him something.

I sit back down on the bunk, holding the bracelet. I twist it between my fingers and stare at the plate for a minute before putting it in the palm of my hand to show it to him. He takes it out of my hand and I watch him. I guess it's ok if he holds it, it's just kind of weird for me. She was the reason I hadn't been able to meet him sooner, and now he's holding the thing she left me. "You don't wear it?" He asks.

"I do, I just...I can't really look at it," I say quietly. I can't look at it without thinking of her, and then I get upset. I want to keep a piece of her with me, I just don't want to see it, which makes no sense, but whatever. I'm not strong enough. So I just wear it under my sleeve.

He undoes the clasp on the bracelet and takes my hand, which is still shaking. He knows I don't like this, and he's ignoring it. My sleeve comes down to the middle of my palm, and he wants to put the bracelet on me. I know this isn't good. The scars are down to the base of my palms. He goes to roll up my sleeve, and I flinch and pull my hand away from him. Shit. I should have just said something. I don't look at him, just hold my sleeves to my wrists with my shaky hands. "I can't wear it," I say, trying to cover for what I just did. I take the bracelet from his hand and drop it in my bag.

"Kayley?" I hear him say.

"Give me a second," I say without looking at him, and lock the bathroom door behind me.

I lean over the sink and start crying quietly. How could I have been that stupid? I knew what was happening before he even tried to look, and I still fucked up. And I fucked up bad. Even though he didn't see any real proof, he has enough now to know that it's true. He's going to hate me now. I have to leave. And ironically, I want to cut myself. I sit on the floor and lean back against the wall with my head in my hands. 'Crying isn't going to fix this,' I tell myself, taking a deep breath. Ok, lets think about what just happened. I freaked out because he tried to put my bracelet on. And I told him I can't wear it. I can just try to go with that. I didn't want him to put the bracelet on me, it has nothing to do with rolling up my sleeve.

There's no way he's going to believe that, but I can't think right now and that's the best I've got.

Someone knocks on the door. "Are you ok, Kayley?" I hear Andy's voice.

I have to answer, tell him I'm ok, but I don't trust my voice to sound ok.

He wiggles the handle on the door. "Kayley? Open this door," he says, sounding more anxious.

"I'm fine," I manage to say, not making any attempt to get off the floor.

"Open the door before I kick it down," he says again.

"Just give me a minute!" I yell, rubbing my eyes and getting up. I take a deep breath and open the door. "I'm sorry, Andy, I just can't wear that bracelet. It kills me to think about her, and having that with me doesn't help. I'm sorry I overreacted." I'm looking at my feet, he'll know that's a lie. And I'm hoping desperately he won't push me for more.

He puts his arms around me. "I'm sorry I did that to you." I guess he's playing along with my lie. I close my eyes and breathe in his smell. I'm going to miss this.

Amber told me it's hard to stay close to people who know because you're always afraid of them rejecting you for it. I did my best not to let her abandon me when she tried, and she gave up eventually. She just decided to stay around me. At first, I don't think I really believed her. I thought that you were only telling the person because you trusted them not to hurt you for it. But I get it now. As much as I trust Andy, he's still human, which means there will always be that doubt in the back of my mind. I guess I found a way to get rid of that in Amber for me, so maybe I can stay, maybe Andy can do that for me, too.

No, I don't want to risk it. I'm going to leave. During the concert tonight, when I'm alone. I don't know where I'll go, but I have to get out. The tears come back just thinking about it. I'm so weak. How did he deal with me for so long?

I don't want to move. I want to take in as much of this as I can while I'm still here. So I don't know how long he lets me stand there like that before he says "can we sit? I want to talk to you."

My chest tightens up. "I don't want to talk," I manage to say.

He takes my hand. "I'll do the talking then," he says and brings me back to the bunk to sit. My hands are shaking violently. "Kayley...you can't hide it from me, you know." I would rather be anywhere else than have this conversation. I just want a big black hole to open up underneath me and take me away. "In the hotel last night, when you said you didn't have too many nightmares...you were sleepwalking." The news doesn't surprise me for some reason. Probably because I'm already so anxious, nothing he says will make me any worse. I want to say something, like 'I haven't done that since I was five, you're lying,' but I can't. I can't do anything. "You took something out of your bag and went over to the sink..." I don't want to hear this. I don't want to hear him sound like this, like he cares too much, like this is upsetting for him. It kills me on the inside. "I got up to see what you were doing because you weren't answering me and..." He looks down at our hands. He doesn't want to look at my face. I don't want to think about his beautiful blue eyes filling with tears. "And you were going to cut your wrist." He takes a breath. "I didn't let you, and I stayed up until you went back to sleep." So it's become such a habit that I do it in my sleep. This is just great. "I didn't want to believe it. I was trying to tell myself it was just something in your head, something happening in a dream that you didn't realize you were doing in real life, too, or something, but...your wrist was..." I'm shaking my head. I don't want to hear him telling me the things I already know, the things I never wanted him to know. "I put your blade back because I wanted to tell you first, and I thought maybe it would be better for you to get rid of them yourself."

"You hate me now," I whisper.

"I don't hate you, Kayley," he says firmly. "You are still the same person that I fell in love with when I first met you. You're so strong, and you care about everyone else more than yourself. Amber was right about you."

I'm crying silently, still wishing I was strong enough to hold back the tears. He must have read the suicide note, too. "You push away the people that love you because you don't want to hurt them, when really, you are pushing away the people who would be helping you get better. You put yourself through hell and keep it to yourself so others don't worry. You gave your horse another chance when she needed it. You're the kind of person that would jump in front of a bullet to save a stranger's life. You care about everyone else but yourself."

"Andy...I didn't want you to find out. Especially not like this," I whisper.

"I know, Kayley," he whispers back. "And you know I'm not going to let you keep doing it, right?"

He's the one being so strong. I mean, he watched me take out a blade and try to cut myself, and he's able to talk about it the next day. And he gave the blade back to me. I know I would have never been able to do that.

It's probably because he doesn't really care. He doesn't care that I cut. And he doesn't care if I do it again. He just wants to get laid. That's all he ever wanted me for.

I can't quit. But I'm not going to tell him that. It's not like he cares, anyways. So I just say "I know." He leans over and hugs me.

Someone knocks on the door and yells "we're here!"

I sigh. I'm going to miss him, even if he never really cared. "C'mon," he says, taking my hand and standing up. I look up at him. "You're watching the show today."

"I'm fine staying here, Andy," I try to tell him. He doesn't leave. "You've left me alone before, it's not any different now. I know you care, Andy, but I'm fine. I promise." He doesn't want to leave me here. "Take my blades with you, then, I just want to stay here, ok?" I say, getting annoyed. I'll just find a knife or something in the 'kitchen.'

He sighs. "I wanted you to get rid of them yourself."

"Do you really think I can, Andy? It's an addiction." I'm going to leave as soon as he gets off this bus, so I don't care what I say anymore. So I'll bring his vice into this, too, then. "I don't like that you smoke, but I'm not telling you to get rid of your cigarettes. If I took them, you would just get more, right? I can't just stop, either." I didn't want to say that. I didn't want to tell him I'm not quitting.

He takes a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and tosses it onto the bunk next to me. "I just want you to watch the show tonight, ok? This isn't about quitting."

I just look up at him. I don't know what to say anymore. I could just leave once they get on stage, I have an hour then. Or I could drag things out and leave tomorrow. "I don't want to go out in front of the guys like this," I say. My eyes are probably still red from crying.

"You look fine, Kayley. You never talk to them, anyways."

"Get your ass out here, Andy!" Someone yells impatiently.

"Let's go," Andy says, pulling me to my feet. I groan irritably, but I follow him.


	26. Chapter 26

Andy hugs me and kisses my head before running on stage. My eyes fill with tears as I hear his voice on the speakers filling the venue.

I walk back to the bus to get my stuff. I put the cigarettes Andy left on the bunk in my bag. I know it won't get him to quit, but at least I'll have something of his with me. I go to the kitchen to get some water before I leave, but end up opening the drawer I know the knives are in, instead. I look at them for a minute before shaking my head to wake myself up. I don't need them. I still have my blades. I go to grab a water, but get distracted by a big bottle of something I assume is alcoholic. I've never touched alcohol. I didn't want to end up letting myself get addicted to it. I pick it up and pop it open. It smells pretty strong. I take a sip, and start coughing. Yeah, sipping alcohol, what a brilliant idea, I think. I try again, welcoming the burn in my throat that comes with it. I didn't think I would have enjoyed just drinking it so much. I thought people just liked the feeling that comes after. I look at the bottle again and realize I just chugged about half of it. And I don't even care. I feel good. I'm happy, and I don't care why. I chug the rest of the bottle. Why is the bus moving? I think as I try to walk to the door. I hear a glass break. I don't remember it being this hard to walk on the bus.

Ice cream will make things easier. Ice cream helps everything. "Andy, I'm going to get some ice cream!" I yell towards the bunk room. I step off the bus and I see the ground. It's a lot closer than it was before. And my hands and knees hurt. I get up and start walking.

"Kayley, is that you?" I hear someone yell from far away.

"Oh, hey, what are you doing here?" I say, turning around. I don't know who it is, but I don't want to be rude.

Someone grabs my shoulder and turns me the other way. I see someone's face and their mouth is moving, but they still sound far away. "Kayley? What did you do?" I manage to hear.

"I was just gonna go get some ice cream 'cause it makes you feel better," I explain.

"Shit," the far away voice says. "I have no idea what you're saying, but we're going back to the venue, ok?"

"What's wro-" I start to ask, but he picks me up bridal style and I scream and start laughing. The sky and the stars blurs together and I keep laughing. "Where are we going?" I say between giggles.

I realize I'm not moving anymore. I look down. He put me down in a chair. "I'll be back as soon as I can," Someone says. "Can you watch her?" I hear them say.

"What happened?" Someone asks from far away.

"What's wrong?" I ask, looking around. "I don't like roller coasters," I say, concerned, as I see the world start moving. "My tummy hurts." I get up to get off the roller coaster before I throw up on someone, but someone is holding me down.

"Geeze, you're a mess," I hear someone saying from far behind me. Someone else must hate roller coasters, too.

"Can we go see the monkeys instead?" I whine while I wait there.

"They're doing a little extra so I can get her back to the bus," someone else says. I'm flying again, and I can see the sky.

"Where are we?" I ask, trying to speak clearer because no one seems to be understanding me. They put me down somewhere soft and comfy, and I sink into it. I giggle.

"I hope you didn't step in this glass," someone's whispering.

"It's ok, I have shoes on," I wave my feet to show him. I look up at the blurry face above me. He looks worried. "What's wrong?" I try asking again.

"I'm gonna clean this up, you stay right hear, ok?" He whispers.

"Ok, but what's wrong? And why is everyone being so quiet?" I say, rolling over. And where am I?" I hear him cleaning up the glass. "Can I keep that?" I ask, and I don't understand why.

He comes back to sit on the edge of the couch next to me. "I really wish I knew what you were saying," he mutters. I turn back around to look up at him. He looks familiar, but I still can't think of who it is. But I don't care. I'm happy, and I want to share it with someone. I sit up and kiss him on the lips, and start laughing. I try again, pulling at his lips and giggling. I don't know if he's kissing me back, I'm too busy laughing. My clothes feel weird, like they're sticking to me for some reason. It's not very comfortable, so I guess I can just take them off. I pull my shirt up, but the person takes my hands and makes me put it back down. "Keep your clothes on, Kayley," he says.

"Why?" I whine.

Finally, something he understands! "We're not having sex when you're this drunk," he says.

"I'm not drunk!" What, if someone's happy, that means they're drunk?

"Why don't you just lay down and take a nap or something, ok?"

I whine, but lay back down anyways. I close my eyes and see colors dancing around behind my eyelids. I giggle as it slowly fades away to black.


	27. Chapter 27

I open my eyes, and I don't recognize where I am right away. I sit up, but almost fall back down. It feels like someone hit me in the head with a hammer. I'm on the couch in the front room of the bus. I don't remember anything. I thought I was going to try to leave last night, but the last thing I can remember was getting my stuff from the bus. "Are you done giggling?" Andy asks. He's sitting on the floor next to me with his back to the couch.

"What?" I say, confused.

He smiles. "You were trying to run away last night, but got drunk instead. You don't remember any of it?"

I try to think. I vaguely remember feeling...happy. Like nothing mattered. But that's it. I shake my head. I start to panic. What did I do? I didn't do anything I'm going to regret, did I? I look down at myself, and I'm covered in...puke? "Did I throw up on myself?"

"Yeah. And you couldn't talk, either, it just sounded like gibberish."

"I didn't do anything, like...bad, did I?" I don't know how to phrase it, but my head feels weird and I can't think straight.

"We had sex," he says, smiling a little.

My eyes widen. "What?!"

He laughs. "I'm kidding. You did try to take your shirt off, though."

I look down at myself again. I can't believe I did that. I ruined my chance to get out of here. Now all I have is a headache and puke-covered clothes. "I'm gonna take a shower," I say, and get up too fast. The room spins. Andy gets up, too, to steady me. He picks up my bag, which I guess I left in here last night, and walks me into the bathroom. He puts my bag on the floor. He's not leaving. "Did you sleep at all last night?" I ask.

"Not really," he says.

"Why don't you go take a nap, than?" I say to try to get him out.

"Is it ok if I take a shower, too?" It's the first time he has outright asked me that.

I'm fine on my own. I can pretty much see straight now, I don't need help. I shake my head slowly.

"You didn't have a problem with stripping in front of me last night," he says jokingly.

"Get out," I say more firmly than I mean to. He laughs quietly, but leaves and closes the door behind him. I open my bag to take out the razors, and see the pack of cigarettes on top of my stuff. I remember taking that. I thought I wasn't going to see him again. I take a blade out of the mint tin. He's not going to quit, so why should I?

\-----

Ok, lets try this again. Andy passed out in his bunk, and everyone else is still asleep. So I walk off the bus quietly with my stuff and start walking. I don't know where I'm going, but I just want to get lost enough that they won't be able to find me, and than I can figure out what I'm doing. I don't even know what state I'm in right now. The license plates say Iowa. If my life depended on me pointing to Iowa on a map, I would probably die. I have no fucking idea where I am. I just know it's pretty far west of New York. I can't afford a plane ticket. I don't have a car. I can't take a boat on land. Maybe I can get on a train. One of those 18 hour train rides. I don't know if that even exists, from here to New York. I don't know how much that costs, but I know it's cheaper than flying. Or I could start walking.

I'm being ridiculous. I can't walk to New York. I look at my phone. I've only been walking for about 20 minutes. I walk into the next McDonald's I see and sit down to think. I don't have many options. I'm going to call my mom. It rings a couple times before she picks up.

"Hello?"

"Hey ma," I say, not very enthusiastically.

"Oh, hey, how are you doing?"

"Um...I have a little problem..." I start. I don't really know how to tell her what happened.

"Are you ok? What happened?" She asks, sounding more worried.

"I'm fine, I just...I'm in Iowa."

"Are you coming back home?"

I hesitate, but say "yes." My phone beeps. I'm getting another call. I look, and it's Andy. I ignore it.

"How are you getting here?" She asks, sounding upset for me. She knows why I called, and she won't push me for information if I don't want to talk right now.

"I don't know," I admit quietly.

"I'll get you a plane ticket," she says, and I don't protest. I'll just pay her back as soon as I can. "The sooner the better?"

"Yeah."

"Where are you now?"

"McDonald's."

"Oh, honey," she says sadly. My phone beeps again. "Is that your phone making that noise?" My mom asks.

"Yeah, my battery is low," I lie. "I'll charge it here."

"Ok. Are you ok, though?" She asks, still sounding worried.

"I'm fine, mom," I say, unconvincingly.

"I'll call you back when I get you a ticket," she says, and I hang up.

I put my phone down on the table and watch it vibrate as Andy keeps calling me. I know my mom won't be able to call me back if he keeps doing that, but I just watch it move around the table. After about the sixth call, he leaves a message. I know I shouldn't listen to it. It'll just hurt, knowing I'm leaving him like this. But I can't help it. I want to hear his voice again. "Kayley, please, where are you? I love you, Kayley..." The message ends. He sounded desperate. Like he cares about me. He said he loves me. And the last thing I said to him was...'get out.'

I'm a horrible person. I call him back without thinking, and he picks up right away. "Kayley? Are you ok?" He says, panicked.

"I'm fine, Andy, I just...It's better if we're not together," I whisper sadly. "I'm so sorry."

"No, Kayley, I'm not letting you do this. You can't keep pushing people away. Where are you?"

"I can't be with you because it'll just hurt you, and I can't do that. Don't you get it, Andy? I love you. And I can't let myself be the reason you're hurting. All you've done is help me, and I've done nothing for you. I don't deserve you, Andy." There are tears on my face, but I don't care. "You should go find yourself someone better and forget about me."

"You can't keep telling yourself you're useless, Kayley. Please, where are you? We can fix this," he says pleadingly. "Please," he whispers.

I almost say yes. I almost give in. I don't like hearing him like this. I want to make him stop. I want to help him. But I can't. I'm just hurting him more by doing that. "I can't fix this, Andy. I can't do anything for you that would make up for everything you've done for me."

"You've been helping me this whole time, just by being with me. You're such an inspiration, you're so strong. You can't even get away from your problems when you're asleep, but you keep going. You don't even complain about that. You complain when you think that I'm the one being treated unfairly, not you, no matter how much life beats you up. Seeing you right now would mean the world to me. You keep telling yourself it will hurt me if you stay, but you don't realize how much more it would hurt me if you left. I don't want you to leave, where I know you're dealing with shit and I'm not there with you. Please, Kayley, where are you?"

I sigh. My heart wants to see him, too, but my brain still tells me no. "I'm going to come look for you if you don't tell me. We're not leaving this city until I find you."

"Please, Andy, don't do that to yourself..."

"Where are you?"

I shouldn't have called him back. I can't say no to him when he sounds like this. "I'll come back to the bus," I say finally, and hang up. I put my phone down on the table and put my head in my hands. I shouldn't do that. If I leave, he'll get over it eventually, but I keep coming back. I keep giving him a reason to worry. I'm not trying to leave because we aren't working out, I do love him, and he says he loves me too, I just don't want to hurt him. And part of me is still scared of being hurt, too. And the higher I get, the harder I'll fall.

My phone rings. It's my mom. If she got me a ticket already, I'm going home. I can't keep doing this to Andy, and being halfway across the country will hopefully stop me. I pick it up. "Hey, honey. Do you know where in Iowa you are? I found two airports with flights to Long Island today."

"You didn't buy any yet, though?"

"No, I was going to get whatever was closer to you," she says, a little confused.

"I'm going to finish the tour," I decide. I'll probably change my mind again, and be farther from home next time.

She waits a second before saying "are you sure?"

"Yes," I say, more to myself. I don't want to bother her again. I can survive the rest of the tour. It's the 22nd, and it ends the 31st. It was meant to help me, I can do this.

"You'll be safe?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"What happened?" She asks now.

"We just...had a little argument," I lie. "But we talked and...I think it'll be ok."

"Ok, well, you know I'm always here for you, if you need it," she says, still sounding a little worried.

"Thank you, Mom," I say, and hang up. I guess I'm finishing this tour.


	28. Chapter 28

I stop walking when I can see the bus. He's standing outside it, waiting for me. I know I shouldn't keep coming back to him. And this probably won't be the last time I give in and come crawling back. It's almost embarrassing, seeing him again after making the decision to leave.

I walk towards the bus shyly, feeling nervous about what's going to happen. I don't know why. He pretty much begged me to come back.

"Oh, Kayley, thank you!" He says, sounding relieved, and hugs me. "Please, tell me you won't do this again?"

"I'm so sorry," I say, closing my eyes and hugging him back. I'm not going to promise him that.

"We have to talk about this again," he says.

"I don't want to." He couldn't even wait five minutes to bring up the bad stuff again.

"I know, but we have to sort things out. I have to know that you're not going to do this again."

He takes my hand out of my pocket and brings me back onto the bus. I keep my eyes on the floor as we walk past everyone else to the empty bunk room. We sit next to each other on the bunk. There's a tension between us that hasn't been there since, like, the first day in my house. "We need to make some sort of deal, so I know we'll be ok."

"I don't want to make you any promises, Andy. I don't want to promise something that I'll just end up messing up later," I tell him. I'm not going to guarantee him that I'm not going to run away again, or I'll stop cutting, or something like that when I can't keep those promises when I try to make them for myself. Those are my decisions, not his.

"I know, you only have to do what you're comfortable with." He sounds like some sort of drivers ed or swimming teacher or something who doesn't want to push you, but ends up doing that anyways. "I know you don't want to stop cutting," he says. "Right?"

Part of me does. Part of me knows it's not good. But part of me doesn't want to. Part of me knows it will feel like hell to try to stop. And I don't want that. It helps me get through, as counterproductive as it may seem. It gives me a way to escape from the real world. So I nod.

"Ok, so we are going to do what you and Amber did." I flinch at the thought of doing anything that Amber did to me to him. He doesn't sound like he's giving me much choice, either. "Once a week, you tell me what you're doing to yourself."

"Andy, I can't...you don't want to hear that," I say sadly. There is no way I would be able to tell him.

"Maybe you would do it less, than?" He looks at me hopefully. He really does want to help me, as much as I try not to let him. "I know I can't make you to stop, but I can give you reasons to want to try."

I'm shaking my head. I don't want to promise him that. I'll just break down when I try to tell him all that, and he won't tell me how much it hurts him to know all that. "Andy...you don't know how much it hurts to know that about someone...that's the reason I ever even started cutting. I don't want to put you through that." I look at him sadly, and he just keeps looking at me, still waiting for me to agree. "I can't, Andy."

"You don't have to say you'll quit," he says again.

"I know, but I just can't do that to you." I realize how hard this must have been for Amber to do. Just admitting out loud that you cut yourself is hard, but to go into detail...maybe it's something you get used to, but I'm not putting him through this.

"It makes it harder for me to stay," I tell him, hoping he'll change his mind about the idea.

"I'll handcuff myself to you if I have to, to make sure you don't try to leave again."

I might as well just kill myself. I want to be with him, I don't want to be with him, I can't make up my mind about anything. "When was the last time you had a cigarette?" I ask.

"I didn't get another pack after you took mine." I guess it was pretty obvious I took it. He left it next to me, and than I left and so did the cigarettes. Well, then I got drunk and tried to leave. But they still disappeared than.

"You'll tell me how many cigarettes you have a day, and I'll tell you how many times I cut. Not how bad or anything, just how many times." I think I can do that. It's usually about three times a day, give or take. "And you have to tell me if it's too much for you, knowing that."

"Ok," he agrees. I compromised. I've never told anyone that I cut, let alone how much. "Is that enough to motivate you to try to do it less?"

I nod, even though I'm not sure. I could always just lie. I don't know if I could let myself, though. I probably could, because it has the potential to hurt him if I don't.

"So we have a deal?" I nod again. He hugs me, and I close my eyes. "I meant what I said about handcuffing myself to you, I'll do it," he teases, trying to brighten the mood.

"Tell me what happened when I was drunk," I change the subject.

\-----

"I want to stay here," I say when we arrive at the next venue. He just looks at me. "I promise I'll stay on the bus. And I won't get drunk again, either."

"Are you sure you don't want to watch the show?" He asks.

"I'm fine, I just want some alone time," I say, knowing that wasn't the right way to put it. He still just looks at me. "I'm fine, Andy," I say again.

"You'll come get me if you need anything?" He asks. I nod. "I'm going to come and check on you at some point," he adds.

"I'm fine," I say for the third time.

"Ok," he says after thinking for a second. He doesn't want me to think he's treating me differently. I know what it's like to be on that end of this, too, he can't hide that from me. He kisses my head and leaves. I hear everyone else leave the bus.

I lay down on the bunk and close my eyes. I just let my mind go. I let myself just think about whatever comes to mind. Bailey, Amber, home, Andy, Lizzy, my parents, my brother and sister, Angel, cutting, everything, good and bad.

I don't know how much time went by, but my phone buzzes, bringing me back to reality. It's Lizzy. I answer it immediately. "Hello?"

"Kayley, I have some bad news..." She says reluctantly.

"What happened?" I sit up, panicking.

"Bailey's colicing." I don't know what to say. "I'm walking her right now so she doesn't roll. The vet is on his way. I got here to feed them dinner and she was rolling and pretty sweaty. I don't think it started that long ago, though. She was drinking fine, and she ate her breakfast. There was a normal amount of manure in her stall this morning," she says. she sounds like she was dreading telling me all this when she found out.

I go to my bag and take out the biggest blade I have there. "Oh, Bailey," I whisper, tears rolling down my face. How did I let all this happen? I wish I was there with her. I can't go home to an empty stall, and not being able to say goodbye to her. I roll up both sleeves and cut down both forearms violently. This can't be real. I have to be dreaming. It's just a terrible nightmare. Andy will wake me up and this will all go away.

"I'm so sorry, Kayley," Lizzy whispers.

"Do you think she'll be ok?"

She hesitates. "I don't know." She doesn't want to lie. I appreciate it, as much as I hate hearing the truth.

My arms are still bleeding, and they're pretty bad. I didn't mean to cut myself that deep. Especially not twice. I can practically see my pulse in the steady flow of the blood, as it drips down my arms, my fingers, to the floor, everywhere. But I don't care. There's no way this is real. I don't have to worry.

"Is she walking ok?"

"Yeah, she's not really fighting it. She keeps kicking at her stomach like there're flies or something, but I don't see anything."

She's so good. She would never fight something as simple as walking on a lead line, even when it hurts her to do it. And I'm not there for her. I sob quietly. I'm a horrible person. Whenever I leave someone, they end up needing me the most than. I should just kill myself. I look at my bleeding arms and think about making another cut. I didn't even feel it when I did that, and it's still bleeding too much. I realize how much of a mess it's made so far. There's blood on my clothes, the sheets, and the floor. If this isn't a dream, I'm fucked. I'm starting to get lightheaded. "Do you think she'll need surgery?" I ask.

"I don't know, Kayley," she says again.

I don't talk. I just cry quietly. It feels like forever, but she eventually says "the vet is here." And I wait some more. I hear them talking, but I don't understand most of it. My vision is blurring, but I tell myself it's from the tears. "Kayley?" Lizzy says eventually.

"Yeah?" I say, dreading this.

"He said she won't be ok if we just leave it, but she could get surgery and be ok." I don't know how to feel about this. I guess I should be grateful she has a chance. I have to give her this. But colic surgery is expensive. I'll have to sell everything I have for this. And after they colic once, they're more likely to do it again. And for a horse, especially one her size, it's always possible that they could die during a surgery.

"Can he drive her to the hospital?" I have to give her the chance Angel didn't have. Hers was too bad to be able to be saved by surgery. I hear them talking, and than she tells me he said yes. "You know where the keys to my truck are, right? He can take my truck and trailer." She can't drive a trailer, but I'm guessing my vet can.

"Ok." She tells him. "I'll call you back when we get there?"

"Yes please."

She hangs up. I look down at my arms and let myself cry. I make no effort to stop them from bleeding. How could I let this happen? I should be there, with Bailey, like she always is for me.

Someone knocks on the door. "Don't come in!" I yell anxiously and look around. Shit. I roll my sleeves down to try to hide my wrists.

"Kayley? Is everything ok?" I hear him say.

"I'm fine, one second," I say, looking around. I put my bag over the blood on the floor and twist the sheets to hide the blood. It's a temporary fix, I just have to hide it until he goes back to the venue. My hands are still covered in blood, and it's soaking through my sleeves already.

"I'm coming in," he says, and I hear the door handle.

"No, give me a second!" I say frantically, throwing the blade in my bag and stuffing my hands in my pockets.

"Kayley, what did you do?!" He says, walking in and seeing my poor attempts to hide everything.

"Nothing, Andy, I'm fine," I say desperately.

He tries to take my hand, but I pull away. "Kayley, you're bleeding too much. Let me see it." I'm crying like an idiot. I don't let him when he tries again. "Please don't make me do this the hard way," he says quietly. He doesn't want to do this the nice way, where he talks to me until I agree, like with everything else. He thinks it's serious. And it probably is, but I just don't care.

"Bailey's sick, Andy! She could die, and I'm halfway across the country! My wrists aren't the problem right now!" I yell at him, trying to get him to back off.

"Ok, but you're bleeding too much, Kayley, this is serious, too. Let me see it, or I'm just going to call you an ambulance," he says, trying to stay calm, but I can see it in his eyes how worried he really is. He doesn't care about Bailey right now. He doesn't get it.

He goes for my arm again, but I still don't let him. He quickly grabs my shoulders and pushes me down against the bed. I gasp, and he sits on top of me to hold me down. "Andy, please," I say between sobs.

He rolls up one sleeve, and then the other, and I keep crying. I never wanted him to see this. I can't get my arms away from him after he grabbed me, I'm too weak. I'm losing blood too fast. "We're going to the hospital," he says, trying to hide the emotions he's feeling. He doesn't want to make me any more anxious than I already am.

"No, Andy, we can't!"

"You'll bleed to death, Kayley, we have to!" He tells me, letting the emotion slip in.

"They won't let me out, they'll put me in a padded cell or something," I try to tell him.

"I'm getting John so he can drive us."

"I'm going to get off this bus and run away, then," I tell him stubbornly. "They don't help people, Amber was worse when she got out."

"Would you rather die?" What a stupid question. I nod. He sighs. "What if I promise you that I won't let them keep you there for more than 24 hours?"

"I have to get back home now," I say. "I don't have time to go to the hospital. I can do the stitches myself." I shouldn't tell him that, but it's true. He wanted to know everything I do to myself, and stitches are just something I do when I have to.

"And then we'll get on the next flight to Long Island," he agrees. "I'm getting an ambulance." He takes out his phone and dials 911. I slap at him weakly, whimpering, but he ignores me. I can't go to the hospital. He's telling the operator what happened, asking for an ambulance. "I'm going to try to stop the bleeding, Kayley," he says after hanging up.

"I'm fine, Andy," I try to tell him again.

He gets up, and I try to do the same, but almost fall to the floor. He catches me and puts me back on the bunk. "Stay right here, I'm just going to grab paper towels and gauze and stuff, ok?"

He leaves the room. I vaguely hear him walking back in as my vision fades out and the world goes black.


	29. Chapter 29

I open my eyes, and I have no idea where I am. All I see is white. I must be dead. I look down at myself, and I take the thought back. My sleeves are rolled up, and there are needles with tubes on them in one arm and bandages over both forearms.

Andy is sitting next to my bed, holding my hand. "Oh, thank God," he breathes when he sees me awake. They probably knew I was going to be fine, but just seeing me move was still probably a big relief for him.

"I have to call Lizzy," I say, taking my phone out of my pocket, ignoring everything stuck to my arms. Two missed calls and one text. I guess that means I wasn't out for too long, than. The text says 'She just went in for the surgery,' sent at 7:14 pm, and the last call was at 7:37. It's 7:56 pm. I don't think I'm allowed to use a cell phone in a hospital, but I don't care.

"Hey, I was surprised I didn't hear from you sooner!" She says. She sounds nervous, and I don't blame her.

"Yeah, something came up. How's Bailey?" I ask, trying not to let myself get anxious, but fail.

"The surgery is still going."

I sigh. I guess that's better than bad news, but I just want to know that she is ok. "How long do they want her to stay there?"

"Do you want to talk to the lady at the desk? I don't know..."

"Yeah."

"Hello?" A new voice says.

"Hey, my horse, Bailey, just went in for colic surgery, I was wondering how long the vet was going to want to keep her there afterwards?"

"Usually they get the ok to go home after they wake up and do some tests, they just want to make sure everything is back to normal. You just have to watch her for a while. She'll probably be ok by tomorrow morning, but we won't know for sure until she wakes up. And we can't release her until we have some sort of payment, either."

"I'll give you my credit card number..." I say, checking my pockets, and realize it's in my bag. I don't really like to use it, I try to just use cash so I don't get into too much debt. "I don't have it on me right now, but I'm on my way over there soon," I tell her. "Right?" I say, looking at Andy.

"The plane leaves at 8 tomorrow morning," he says.

"Yeah, she'll be ok by tomorrow?" I say, talking into the phone again.

"Like I said, we won't know for sure until they finish the surgery. Anything else?"

As much as I don't want to know, I kind of have to. "How much is it?" I bite my lip and close my eyes when she tells me. I should just kill myself. A man in a white doctors coat walks in. "Ok. That's it," I tell the lady.

"You can't use a cell phone here," the nurse says.

"Can you call me back when they finish her surgery?" I ask Lizzy. "I have to go."

"Sure," she says, and I hang up.

"They can mess with our equipment," he says, looking at me with raised eyebrows.

"Sorry," I say simply. I don't care. I'd rather be dead right now, why should I care?

"I just want to ask you some questions. Andy, do you mind leaving the room?" The nurse says.

I look at Andy, the panic clear on my face. I didn't realize what a death grip I had on his hand after that phone call. "Can he stay?" I hate doctors. I've told him that before.

"We would prefer to talk to you separately," the nurse says. I know they do this in hospitals to make sure you're not being abused or something, but I don't want him to leave. I don't even know if Andy told them the truth. I'm not under suicide watch right now.

"You'll be fine," Andy says, and gets up. He kisses my head before leaving the room. My heart is pounding. The nurse probably thinks I'm going to explode if there's a heart monitor on me.

"So how did this happen, again?" He asks, moving to stand next to the bed.

"I..." I don't know what to say. I don't want to admit it, but...I know I have to. I don't look at him. "I wasn't thinking and...I cut myself," I admit quietly. I guess it's pretty obvious, my sleeves are rolled up and my arms are covered in scabs and scars.

"How long have you been self harming?"

I shake my head and say "about a year." After Amber died was when I got bad, although I started a little before that. It only took me a year to cover myself in scars. I'm a mess.

"Why did you decide to cut so badly this time?" He asks, sounding more curious now than like he has to know for his paperwork. Doctors are so nosy.

Tears start to fall down my face. "My horse just went in for an emergency surgery, and I'm halfway across the country." I say.

"Have you taken any medication recently?" I shake my head. "Is this you're first suicide attempt?"

"It wasn't a suicide attempt. I didn't mean to cut that bad," I say defensively. I haven't made any real suicide attempts. At least not yet, but Andy is probably going to try to make me quit self harming now.

"You never told anyone about this?"

I shake my head. "Andy just found out a day or two ago." I don't know if anyone else knows. The rest of the guys probably know now, I'm in the fucking hospital.

"When did he find you?"

"My horse was just headed off to the hospital so I hung up, and Andy came in. I cut myself when I got the call. He came in and told me we were going to the hospital." I'm trying not to let my crying interfere with my speech.

"Ok, well you can thank your boyfriend that we didn't put you under suicide watch," he says, scribbling some stuff down on his clipboard. "At least, unless you want to be?" I shake my head. He takes a piece of paper from his clipboard and clips it to the front. "You'll have to sign this, than," he says, and goes out to the hall to tell Andy he can come back in.

I look at Andy, who still looks worried. _Stupid, you almost just died_ , I tell myself. Of course he's worried. He sits next to me on the edge of the bed and takes my right hand. "See? You didn't get eaten," he says, trying to lighten the mood.

I look down at the paper in front of me, thinking it's probably just payment shit. More debt. But it's not. It says that if I sign it, I'm promising that I won't do anything like this again. Yeah, like this little thing is going to stop me. I scribble my signature on it and hand it back to the nurse. "I'll let the doctor know you're awake," he says, and leaves.

I look at Andy. I just put him through hell, and he's trying not to show it. But he can't. Watching someone you love almost die isn't easy. "I'm sorry I did that to you, Andy," I whisper.

"Oh, Kayley, don't apologize to me. You should apologize to yourself," he says. It sounds cheesy, but I know what he means.

"Andy?"

"Yes?"

"What if I don't see Bailey again?" I shouldn't ask him something like this. I know what it's like, to hear something terrible has happened to a friend and there's nothing you can say or do to help. It sucks. It makes you feel useless. And Andy is anything but that, I don't want to give him that feeling. But I see the look on his face that says I did. It breaks my heart to know he cares like this.

"You will, Kayley. We're on our way back as soon as we get out of here."

I don't know how many times he has said 'we' so far, but I just notice it. "We?"

"I said I was going to help you face your fears, and this whole thing with Bailey and planes count, right?"

"Yeah, but what about the tour? Did you even do the concert tonight?"

"We're going to reschedule them."

"Andy," I whine. "I didn't want you to mess up your tour."

"It's fine, Kayley. Things happen, the fans get it. Our real lives come first. We'll reschedule them," he says, looking me in the eyes.

I look back at him. "Do the fans even know I exist?"

"I didn't think you would want them to," he says. I just keep looking at him. "I'll say something if you want me to, I just thought you wouldn't want the attention."

"I hardly ever even leave my house, I'll be fine. But you should be honest with your fans."

"I'll say something, than." And than we're quiet again.

"Are you going to make me quit now?" I ask quietly.

"I think you know I can't 'make' you do anything, but of course I want you to," he answers honestly.

He lays down next to me, still holding my right hand, my left hand in my pocket. "Think about something happier," he tells me.

It makes sense, I should try to distract myself, stop thinking so negatively. But it's kind of hard to do. I close my eyes and try to think of a quiet, peaceful place.

I end up thinking about the time Amber and I took Bailey and Angel to the beach. I think about the feel of the sea breeze on my face, the smell of the salty water, the sound of the seagulls, every detail I can remember. I can see the ocean stretch out until it meets the sky way out in the distance. Both horses were reluctant to go in the water at first, but ended up going out far enough that they could swim, and they're heads were the only part left of them above the water. We got off the horses to dry off a little bit and eat our lunch, and Angel rolled in the sand. I ended up sharing half my sandwich with Bailey, and than she was licking and chewing on the peanut butter for at least ten minutes. I remember Amber's laugh.

The sound of the door opening startles me back to reality. Amber and Angel are gone, and Bailey could end up with them soon, too. A new doctor walks in, and the panic comes back as me and Andy sit up in the bed. Andy must have said something to make this whole thing go faster. I was in the hospital for seven hours when I broke my arm in fourth grade, just waiting for each doctor. "Hi, how are you?" The doctor says. I don't answer. It's not like he really cares, anyways. "I just want to take your blood pressure..." he says, trying to tell Andy to move. There are still needles stuck in my left arm. I never realize how much I'm crushing his hand until I have to let go. And my hands are shaking, too. Andy gets up and moves to the other side of me, taking my hand. "You can relax, I don't bite," the doctor says, rolling my sleeve up to my shoulder. He takes my blood pressure, which is probably pretty high right now from all the anxiety. "It's hard to hear your heartbeat when you are wearing such thick clothes," he says. Like I wasn't anxious enough. I have a shirt on under this, but still. I roll up my sweatshirt and he listens to my breathing and my heartbeat. "You don't have to be so nervous, your heart sounds like you're going to explode!" I pull my sweatshirt back down and don't comment. Like I didn't know that already. "How do you feel?"

"I'm fine," I say defensively.

"Do you want to try standing up?" The doctor asks. I don't see why I wouldn't be able to stand. I get up. "You don't feel dizzy or anything?" I shake my head. "Ok, you can sit back down. I'll take these," he says, motioning to my left arm. Andy sits next to me and takes my right hand again as the doctor pulls the needles out of my arm. I think it's safe to assume the red one was blood, I passed out because I lost enough of that, but I don't know what the other one was and I don't ask. I watch him pull them out and put a band-aid on it. I find it ironic how he puts a band-aid on that little puncture, while the rest of my arm is still covered in deeper cuts. "The specialist will be in in a minute," the doctor says, going to leave.

"Specialist in what?" I ask quickly before he goes, pulling my sleeves down over the bandages.

"Psychology," he answers, and leaves before he can hear my protests. Lucky Andy.

"I don't need that, we can go," I tell him anxiously.

"Can you please just listen to whatever they want to tell you? You don't have to do anything, just listen." He says.

"Andy," I whine.

"At least pretend to listen, for me? I could have told them to put you in a straight jacket and padded cell, you know."

I sigh because I know it's true. I can pretend to listen, if that'll make Andy feel any better. "Andy?" I say.

"Yeah?"

"I want a hug." I just want to feel his arms around me, I want to feel that familiar feeling that always comes with it.

He puts his arms around me, and I close my eyes. No matter where we are, when I'm in his arms, it makes me feel safer. It gives me a form of comfort, and it doesn't permanently damage my skin. This is the comfort I tried to replace with cutting when I had no friends or family to be close to anymore. I take in the feel of the leather jacket. I focus on his steady breathing and tell myself to calm down, try to stop shaking, try to slow my heartbeat.

The next doctor walks in, and he slowly lets go of me, holding just my hand. I wish he hadn't. It's not like I care if these people see us hugging, I just want to hold on to that little happy place I have with me now. She asks me some questions about things I don't want to talk about, and I don't see why I should answer them. Andy looks at me and rubs my hand when I don't answer. "It's ok to talk about it," he says quietly, putting his arm around me. I sigh and answer the lady's questions directly and shortly. I'm never going to see her again, I can let her think she is doing her job. And Andy, well...if he didn't know any of this already, he would have figured it out eventually.

She tries to tell me new ways to handle my emotions, distract myself, relieve stress, whatever. I stop listening. She doesn't know what she's talking about. It doesn't work like that. No one realizes how hard it is until they try it. "Ok? Any questions?" I hear her say.

I shake my head. "Thanks."

"Ok, you guys are free to go whenever you're ready. Good luck!" She says, and leaves.

I sigh. "I want to get out of here as soon as I can," I mutter, getting up, holding Andy's hand. I walk up to the desk, assuming I have to pay.

"We already got a payment method for you," the person at the desk says.

I look at Andy. "You can't pay for this, Andy," I tell him. "This whole thing was my fault."

"Don't worry about it, Kayley, honestly, it's fine," he says, looking back at me.

"Andy..."

"Do you even have your credit card with you?"

He heard me on the phone. Dick. I sigh. "Thank you so much, Andy," I say quietly.

"It's ok, Kayley. C'mon, the bus is outside, let's go," he puts an arm around me and we leave the hospital.


	30. Chapter 30

I check my phone again as soon as we step out of the hospital in case I missed something, but there's nothing. It's been about an hour and a half since we talked. I don't know how long a colic surgery usually takes.

Andy knows where the bus is. Someone probably came into the hospital to talk to him while I was still out, to tell him we have plane tickets and whatever else. "Are the other guys going back home, or are they waiting for you?" I ask.

"They found a hotel to stay at until we come back." He keeps saying 'we.' I'm probably never going to want to leave my house again.

Their tour manager is sitting on the couch. He looks up when we get to the bus. "Ready?" He says, getting up. Andy nods, and he goes to the driver's seat. Andy and I go to the bunk room.

The blood is cleaned off the floor and the sheets are off the mattress, but there is still a stain on it where it went through. I stand by the door and look down at my bloodstained clothes. They must have cleaned the blood off my hands while I was still unconscious. I don't know why he thought it would be a good idea to bring me back in here.

"We are staying in the hotel tonight, and leaving for the airport tomorrow morning," Andy tells me.

"Does everyone else know about...me cutting like this?" I ask quietly, still looking down. Of course they know. I don't know why I ask. It's pretty obvious now.

He puts his arms around me. "I'm sorry, Kayley, I wasn't going to tell them, I was going to keep it our secret, but after this...I knew I was going to have to tell John, but for the band, I couldn't think of an excuse to leave the venue like that, and the blood, and to reschedule the other shows. They won't tell anyone, and the fans don't have to know. I'm sorry," he says regretfully.

We just stand there, hugging, because I don't want to move. I don't want to see this room. But my mind fills the quiet with things I don't want to think about. "I have to tell Lizzy about us next time she calls me. Don't let me hang up without doing that, no matter what happens with Bailey. I have to tell her," I tell him. It is true, though. I wanted to tell her eventually, but now I'm going home with him, and I told him he should tell the fans. I would rather tell her first, even though she'll hate me for not letting her know sooner.

"Ok," is all he says. I just stay standing where I am.

My phone starts vibrating in my pocket, and I quickly let go of him with one hand. "Hello?"

"Hey, Kayley," Lizzy says, sounding kind of nervous still.

"Is she out of surgery?" I ask, quickly filling with panic.

She hesitates. "They finished the surgery," she says slowly. "They're still waiting for her to wake up," she adds.

I flinch. It takes a lot to knock out a horse that big. It could end up being deadly. It takes some time to wake up after a surgery, but it's probably been some time if she's calling me anyways. "Is everything else...ok?"

"The surgery went ok, and they said her breathing, temperature, heartrate, everything else is ok. She just hasn't woken up yet."

I don't know what to say. I tell myself not to worry yet. There's still hope. She's still alive, everything has gone right so far. Nothing is final yet.

I feel the bus stop, and there's a knock on the door. I ignore it. I'm busy right now. "I'm on my way home tomorrow," I tell Lizzy.

"Do you want me to pick you up at the airport?"

"Yeah, if you're able to," I say. I don't want her to leave Bailey if she can't. I'd rather not see my mom after that talk on the phone, but she would pick us up if I needed it. "And, um, someone else is coming with me," I start awkwardly.

"No problem," she says.

"I kind of lied about where I was going, too...I visited my aunt, but it was only for a day 'cause, um...you know how we went to that concert?" I'm so bad at this.

"Yeah."

"I went on tour with them," I say, bracing myself for her reaction.

"Really?" She says, not sounding like she believes me.

"And Andy is coming back with me."

"I thought the tour wasn't over for another week or two," she says. I don't think she believes me at all.

"Yeah, but..." But what? I almost died, so he doesn't want to leave my side? I'm not telling her that. "Yeah."

"Ok. What time do you think you'll be back tomorrow?" She asks.

I look at Andy. "What time are we getting back tomorrow?"

"Um, I think some time around 11."

"Around 11," I tell her.

"Ok, if anything changes, just let me know. I'll be outside the airport at 11."

"Thanks, Lizzy," I say. I don't know what to say. I just want to be there with Bailey, and this is the closest I can get to that right now.

"I have the room key for you guys," I hear John say from the other side of the door.

"Lizzy, I...Can you call me back when they tell you anything else? I have to go right now." I don't, really, but I want to cry, because that's all I ever do.

"Yeah, of course," she says.

"Thanks," and I hang up. "I just want to change first," I tell Andy, letting go of him with my other hand.

I force myself to pick up my bag, which is next to the bed, and go to the bathroom to change out of the bloody clothes.

And despite everything that just happened, I still pick up the razor I had thrown into the bag. I just look at it. How could this little thing right here have caused such a crazy addiction? I just stare at it for a minute before shaking my head to try to wake myself up, and put it in the mint tin. I can't do that again, especially after that. Andy is going to confiscate them, though, so I could...

 _No, you can't_ , I tell myself again, and quickly change into what I'm going to sleep in tonight. I pull the bandage off my arm where the needles had been. It's pointless. But I leave the gauze and tape and whatever else over the stitches. I don't want to see them right now.

Andy and I walk to our hotel room, which is fortunately on the first floor, so we don't have to take an elevator. "We have our own room tonight," Andy says, opening the door. It's pretty small, but so were all the other hotel rooms. And there's only one bed, which I don't mind. I like having a room to ourselves again. "You have to get some sleep tonight," he tells me.

I sigh. "I don't know if I'll be able to." Even if I do, I'll be waking up from dreams a lot more often than usual.

"You at least have to try." We sit down next to each other on the bed. I turn the volume all the way up on my phone in case Lizzy calls and put it on the nightstand next to me. He throws his shirt on the floor and lays down.

I lay next to him, hiding my face in his chest. "I never really told you what happened," I say. I didn't even tell him about when she fell.

"No you did not," he says, rubbing my back.

"When Lizzy called me in Chicago, Bailey fell. She was in her paddock, and she was sleeping standing up, but for a horse to really sleep, they have to lay down. So she was falling asleep standing up, and she fell. But Lizzy said she hasn't been laying down at all. She usually sleeps in her stall at night, but she stopped after I left. I guess I made her feel safe enough to lay down. When I first rescued her, she would try not to lay down because when she was being abused..." I hate to think about this part. "Her legs got too weak to hold her up sometimes, and when she would fall down...the lady would beat her until she got up. So she was afraid to lay down." I breath for a second. "And now, she's colicing for some reason. She's never done this before. Usually once a horse colics, they're more likely to do it again. Sometimes it's not that bad and they're fine the next day, sometimes it's bad enough that they have to be put down, like Angel. Sometimes, they need surgery, and Bailey went in for surgery. A horse that big is always in danger when they knock them out. It takes a lot, and sometimes they don't wake up. And so far, Andy, she hasn't woken up," I finish, choking on my words.

He sighs. He wants to tell me everything will be alright, but he can't. He doesn't know that, and he doesn't want to lie. I know what it's like, and it sucks. "I'm so sorry, Kayley," he whispers. "Is there anything I can do to help?" He asks as I cry silently against his chest.

I shake my head. There isn't anything he can do to help right now but stay here with me. I know it's hard to listen to other people's problems when you care too much, it makes you feel like you're not doing enough. Just listening feels so small, but that's all I want right now. For him to listen, and to be here with me while I have as many crying fits or mental breakdowns or suicidal thoughts or whatever else as I want. As much as I don't want to put him through it, that's all the selfish part of me wants right now.

"Andy, if Bailey doesn't wake up," I shouldn't say this, he'll never leave me alone again, "I don't know what to do anymore. All I'll have left at home will be another empty stall. An empty stall and a shit ton of debt."

"That's not true, Kayley," he says. "you still have the people who care about you, like Lizzy, your parents, your brother and sister. And I'll always be here with you. You have a long life ahead of you, there will be plenty more good times in your life. You can't just throw it away."

"But it's so hard, Andy. How do people deal with so much shit? I don't want to deal with any of this anymore," I admit, as much as I know I shouldn't.

He takes my shoulders and pulls us apart. "Look at me, Kayley," he says firmly. As much as I don't want to, I listen to him. "I need you to promise me you won't do anything like this again. I don't care if it was an accident, I don't want to see you in a hospital for something like this again, and I don't want to see you dead. Can you please just promise me that?"

I just look at him. I don't want to promise him that. I don't like to break my promises. "Andy..." I can't look straight at him.

"Look at me," he says, and I force myself to look into his blue eyes again.

It hurts me to tell him these things. "I can't," I finally whisper, and look down again.

He takes a hand off my shoulder and puts it under my chin, forcing me to look at him again.

"I know you aren't going to promise anything you don't think you can do, but I know you can do this. You're strong enough to get through this. I know it's hard, but you can do it. You just have to try. Please, Kayley, I just want to know you'll be ok." He looks at me sadly, and it breaks my heart.

"Andy, please, you care too much," I tell him, whimpering.

"Ok, maybe I do, if that's what you keep telling yourself. But it's too late for me now, Kayley, you've got me. No matter what you do, I'm going to care."

"I can't just stop cutting, Andy."

"I know, I'm not asking you to stop cutting, I just want to know you won't kill yourself."

I want to say ok, tell him not to worry, tell him I'm fine. I want him to stop worrying. I want to be able to give him whatever he wants, like he has for me. "Andy...I want to tell you that I'm fine, but I know the next time something happens, I'll blow it."

"You'll learn to cope, Kayley, you have to learn to live in the present, and stop thinking about how much better the past was. You don't see the good things you have that way, until you don't have them anymore."

"I can't promise you anything like this," I say seriously. "I want to say I can, Andy, really. But I don't want to end up breaking this promise. I don't want to promise you this." I hate that sad look on his face. "I can tell you I'll be ok, but it'll be worse when I fuck up if I do." I can't stand that look, it burns me inside. I put my arms back around him, and my face back in his chest. I tell myself not to cry anymore. "Let's just go to sleep," I mutter. I close my eyes and force myself to sleep.


	31. Chapter 31

My phone rings. "Yeah?" I say anxiously.

"Kayley, I'm so sorry," Lizzy says.

"No..." I whisper. "No, no, no, no, no."

"She isn't going to wake up," she whispers sadly.

I throw my face into the pillow, sobbing loudly, and hope I suffocate. I didn't even get to say goodbye.

\-----

"It was just a dream," he whispers, rubbing my back.

I wake up, gasping and panicking. I grab my phone to make sure that wasn't real. I talked to her about 45 minutes ago. It wasn't real.

But that means Bailey still hasn't woken up yet. And it didn't even take an hour for me to wake up.

"Bailey is going to die," I whisper, tears falling down my face. I try not to let myself, but I start sobbing louder and the tears keep coming. I sound like a dying animal. Bailey is going to die, and I didn't even say goodbye. I should be the one dying right now, not her.

I don't know how long I let myself cry before I tell myself I have to stop. I try to take a breath, but it's still too difficult. I keep trying to breathe. My face is numb from all the crying. And I finally start to calm down. The tears keep coming, but the animal noises stopped.

"Andy..." I mutter sadly. I decide that I know what might shut me up, at least temporarily.

I find his lips with mine numbly, and he doesn't fight it. I pull on his lip with my teeth, and he opens his mouth and allows me to slip my tongue between his lips. I kiss him roughly and let my hands move over his smooth back, and down his chest and stomach, savoring everything. The feel of his skin, the feel of his breath, his heartbeat, his hands behind my head, the taste of his mouth, his smell. I push myself against him.

I stop my hands when I find one is on his waist, and the other is at the bottom of his stomach. Still kissing him, I roll myself on top of him, straddling my legs over him. I fumble with the button on his jeans, my hands shaking, and then the zipper, but get distracted when I feel his hands moving down my sides. He pulls at my shirt, and I move my hands away from his pants, to the sides of his rib cage to steady myself over him, but keep kissing him roughly.

He slides one hand under my shirt, and steadies me with his other hand on my butt. I shiver. I'll admit I'm nervous. He's seen some scars on my arms, but he's actually touching them now. And honestly, I'm pretty turned on, too.

He moves his hand slowly up my back and down my side. I hold in a gasp when his fingers reach the scars on my side. He runs both hands up my sides. My heart feels like it's going to explode from all the anxiety I'm feeling right now. He pauses our kiss to pull my sweatshirt over my head, and then my tighter undershirt. It's only fair, right? He doesn't have a shirt on, either, and I still have my bra. "You ok?" He whispers, putting his hands on my back again.

"Mhm." I resume kissing him. I'm pretty sure my whole body is shaking at this point, but I don't care. It's not like I can control it, I'm too nervous right now.

He keeps rubbing my back and sides until I'm almost confident he doesn't want to go any further, but he puts both hands under my rib cage and flips me over so he's on top now. I can't help smiling a little, whether it's out of nerves or actual happiness, I don't know, but I don't care. He moves his hands down my sides and up my stomach. He puts his hands over my bra. I don't mean to, but I realize I'm digging my nails into his back, and my nerves won't let me let go of him. He slowly slides his hands under my bra, and I flinch when I feel his fingers find my nipples. He pauses. "Keep going," I whisper into the kiss, and I realize how much faster my breathing has gotten from the anticipation. He puts his hands over my breasts. I don't know what he thinks is so special about me. I'm as pale as a ghost, and I have virtually no curves.

I moan unintentionally, and I feel him smirk. He moves his hands under my bra to my back and goes to undo the clasp. He pauses, giving me a chance to protest. I am even more nervous now, if that was possible. No one has ever seen me like this, and Andy is gorgeous, I don't want to disappoint him. But I don't protest. He takes it off, and I shiver. He lets his hands slide over my body, and I kiss him hungrily. I can feel the lump in his pants pressed against me. It's strange for me to think I can turn him on. My hands are still shaking, but I move them back to his jeans, which I left on after I got distracted. I hook my thumbs in them to try to take them off, and--

And my phone starts ringing. I jump. I was already full of nerves, so I guess it scared me. I look up at him for a second, bewildered, partially because I don't want to hear the bad news, and partially because what I was just trying to do is starting to settle in.

I tear my gaze from his, and grab for my phone as he rolls off of me. "Hello?" I answer the phone, sitting up. I'm hoping for the best, and dreading the worst.

"Hey, Kayley," Lizzy says, not sounding so full of dread this time.

"Is she ok?" I ask quickly.

"Yup, she just woke up," she says, and I can hear the relief she is feeling, too.

"Oh, thank God," I breathe. "Thank fucking God." I fall back down on the bed, filled with relief.

"They are just doing some tests to make sure everything is normal before they give her the ok to go home, but she's just a little drowsy right now," she says.

"Thank God she's ok," is all I can say. That's one weight off my shoulders now.

"Yeah, they are keeping her in a stall here until she can go home. She'll be so happy to see you." Not a great choice of words, if I wasn't so relieved I would feel bad for leaving her in the first place. "She's staying here 'til you get home, right?"

"Yeah," I say. "Thank you so much, Lizzy, for looking after her and staying--" Andy puts an arm around me and I jump. "And staying with her at the vet," I finish. "Are you supposed to work tonight?" I just realize she's supposed to be to work at 10.

"It's fine, the horses come first."

"Thank you, Liz, I'm so sorry this happened," I say.

"Oh, stop, it happens. It's not your fault," she says dismissively. "So you and Andy are getting along?" She asks shyly. I appreciate that she didn't try to talk about it when I told her before, but the question still catches me off guard.

"You interrupted some pretty important lovin'," he jokes. I guess we're right next to each other and he can hear her, too.

"Andy!" I say, appalled at how straightforward he talks about some things. I blush, even though I know Lizzy can't see me.

I hear her laugh. "Should I go, then?"

"No, you didn't 'interrupt' anything." She didn't interrupt, she brought me back to reality. I would have regretted it later if I didn't stop. "I was getting worried, when you weren't calling," I tell her, trying to bring the conversation back to Bailey.

"I know, I was, too," she says. "She looked drunk when she got up, though," she jokes.

"Hey, have you ever seen Kayley drunk before?" Andy says into the phone.

"Shut up!" I say, smacking his arm playfully, and put the phone to my other ear.

"You're gonna have to tell me what it's like to be on tour with BVB," Lizzy says, and I can tell she's smiling.

Andy pulls at my ear with his teeth. Now that I'm all happy, he wants me to hang up and pick up where we left off. I sit up again. He can wait a minute.

"Have you been able to ride Bailey at all?" I ask, even though I know I asked the same thing last time I talked to her.

"Yeah, I rode her a few times. And your mom came once, I convinced her to come on trail with me," she says, and I can't help smiling. "She stopped trying to play with me in her paddock after about a week, though."

She misses me. I feel so guilty. What if the colic was triggered by stress? "How is she doing now?"

"She just woke up, she's still kind of out of it. She was pretty cooperative when she got here, though, she stood fine in the trailer. She was a little nervous with all the vets and stuff here, but, you know, that's understandable." And I wasn't there with her.

"You're not allowed near her with the phone, are you?" I realize.

"No, I'm in the waiting room. I'll probably be allowed in their barn with it when they put her out there, though."

"Ok, I'll hang up so you can go watch her, then?" Bailey would probably rather have someone she knows around, even if it's not me.

"Yeah, I just wanted to let you know she was awake. I'll let you know if they give her the ok?"

"Yes, thank you so much, Lizzy."

"No problem," she says, and hangs up.

I drop my phone on the nightstand and fling myself on top of Andy, hugging him happily. I still don't have a shirt on, and I don't care. I'm so relieved right now, there's no way anything could go wrong. No matter what I do right now, there won't be any consequences. My horse is alive, so life must be good. I must have done something right.

"Oh, Andy, Bailey is alive! She's awake, and she's moving, and, and...she's alive, Andy, I'll be able to see her again," I say, so relieved I feel tears coming to my eyes. I close my eyes and kiss him, putting all my emotions into it. All the grief, and all the bliss, everything I can, just letting it go. I hold his shoulders with shaky hands, and he slides his hands down my sides.

He smirks, holding my waist, and flips me over so he is on top again. "Still want to do this?" He asks. I nod, smiling. Anything that could go wrong with this is irrelevant. I'm happy now, and I'll live for the moment. He puts his lips back on mine, and I kiss him excitedly. There is some sort of subconscious, animal-like instinct that just drives all humans to strive for this point, and all I've ever done is fight it.

My hands find the waistline of his jeans, which I still haven't successfully taken off. And I get nervous. So I stop my hands there. I guess being nervous can be stronger than that instinct. I guess I'll just keep kissing him until he does something. Or I get the nerve to do something myself, which I doubt that will come first.

He starts to move his lips away from mine, kissing down my jawline. My breathing has gotten faster again. I feel his lips move down my neck, and I shiver. I've never really liked my neck touched, but for some reason, this is different. I can't help tilting my head the other way to give him more room. I feel him get a little rougher. He finds a particular spot where I can't help but moan. I bite my lip, wishing I hadn't given in so easily. I feel him smirk and bite at the sweet spot near the base of my neck before moving down towards the right side of my chest. I put my hands in fists, trying to control my shaking, but, of course, it doesn't really work. My heart is racing as his mouth finds my nipple. I grip the sheets in tight fists. He nips at it gently, and I flinch and hold my breath. It didn't hurt or anything, it's just weird for me, I guess. He keeps kissing and nibbling, staying gentle, and rubs my side reassuringly. I try to tell myself to relax, but it doesn't go far. I just tell myself to start breathing again before I pass out. He kisses across my chest to my other breast. He nips gently again, and I keep myself still this time. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing with my hands right now, but I can't really get myself to let go of the sheets, anyways. His lips move down my stomach. I bite the inside of my mouth until I taste blood to keep myself quiet as he kisses the scars I was trying so hard to hide from him.

He reaches the waistline of my sweatpants, and I'm holding my breath again. He hooks his fingers over them and looks at me. "You ok?" He asks. I open my eyes and nod. "You can relax, you know," he says, smiling, as he pulls away my pants. I'm shaking pretty bad all over. My underwear are gone now, too. He puts his lips back on my lower stomach and his hands on my inner thighs and separates my legs. His lips travel downward. I close my eyes again as I feel his tongue on my clit. He licks and sucks at it, until I feel him push his tongue inside me, and I gasp and bite my lip. I must be shaking like fuck because he starts to say "If you don't want to do this, Kayley, we--"

"Keep going," I say, not opening my eyes.

I feel him move one hand off my thigh, and then there's a finger on my clit. I gasp again. He rubs small circles on it, and I start to get why people enjoy this so much. Something about the feeling is just...amazing. I didn't know it was possible for something to just feel this amazing. "Andy..." I can't help muttering as I grip the sheets tighter with my shaking hands. At this, he pushes a finger inside me. I tense up against him instinctively and try to close my legs, but he holds me still. I didn't expect it to hurt, I thought there would just be more 'happy rainbows and butterflies' feelings. I'm used to pain, but I guess not this kind.

He starts to thrust his finger in a slow, steady, back-and-forth motion. It feels...strange. It feels like... there's just this strange pain to it that feels oddly enjoyable.

The thrusts start to get faster, and he adds two more fingers. The pain slowly gives way completely to an unfamiliar pleasure. The friction starts to rise up in me, and I moan and squeeze my eyes shut--

And he stops. He takes his fingers out. My eyes snap open and I look at him. I hate this feeling of him not being there at all even more than the pain of when he first was.

He is throwing the last of his clothes on the floor. I don't mean to stare, but I can't help noticing how big it is. "Ok?" He says, putting his hands on my hips and positioning himself over me, chuckling a little at my reaction.

I don't care about the consequences, he deserves this. And who am I kidding, I want this just as much. I nod. I can't take my eyes off of him. His whole body just looks so...perfect. His face, neck, collar bone, arms, chest, abs, stomach, waist...everything, he's just perfect. I find myself looking over his tattoos. All the tattoos I've seen in pictures, and the ones that are usually covered.

I would feel guilty for staring at him, but I feel his eyes on me, too. I start to feel self conscious again and I want to move my hands to cover myself, but Andy interrupts the thought, saying quietly "you're beautiful, Kayley," and I feel him against my entrance. I shut my eyes and bite my lip, bracing myself.

He pushes into me slowly. For the first time in my life, I want to scream. I want to scream at the strange pain. But I hold myself back. I tense up around him, breathing hard. He starts his slow thrusts, and the pain soon begins to fade into pleasure. "Andy," I moan when he rubs against a particular spot. He gets faster, rubbing up on the spot again and again, until the tingly feeling spreads up through my abdomen. I feel my walls tightening around him as I reach what I'm assuming is my peak. I arch my back and let myself scream in pleasure.

I regain myself, panting and shaky, as he continues. "I'm almost done," he mutters. A few more hard thrusts, and I feel the hot liquid squirt into me as he reaches his climax, too. He collapses on top of me, breathing hard. "Andy," I mutter, hugging him. He's just as sweaty as I am. "I love you, Andy," I breathe, smiling.

"I love you, too."

I fall asleep, happy and safe in his arms.


	32. Chapter 32

I wake up and look over at Andy's face. "Are you awake?" He mumbles without opening his eyes. I kiss his lips gently. Other than when Lizzy called me again to tell me they gave Bailey the ok to go home today, I slept through the night. I faintly remember a dream. I remember my wrists were clean, and I had made a long cut down both forearms, but that's all I can remember. And I hadn't woken up for it. After the good news about Bailey, and the little, um, 'celebration' me and Andy had over it, I had slept quietly for about eight hours. Miraculously.

"I think we just found something that will shut me up at night," I whisper, smiling. _Unless I was sleepwalking_ , I realize, but he doesn't mention it.

"I'm ready to watch you try to walk," he jokes, opening his eyes to look at me. I don't feel much pain right now, but maybe it'll be different when I get up. "You'll be waddling around the airport today," he continues.

I shove his shoulder playfully. "I think you're going to have to carry me, then," I tease. I kiss him again before rolling over and saying "I'm going to take a shower before we go." I stand up, and my breath gets caught in my throat. Yup, I'm sore. I hear Andy laugh a little, and I flinch, remembering a dream I had. The one where I screamed in my sleep. I resist the urge to sit back down, and try my best not to waddle as I pick up my bag and my clothes that were thrown on the floor last night. I know I'm walking stupidly. Andy is still laughing at me. I start to waddle towards the bathroom when he picks me up bridal style. My mind freezes in panic and I almost drop my bag. "You scared the shit out of me!" I yell at him.

He puts me back on my feet in the bathroom and turns on the water. "Mind if I join you?" He asks, still smiling.

"O-ok," I stutter. I don't see why not, I guess. I mean, we just had sex last night, and neither of us are wearing any clothes right now, anyways.

I glance at the mirror, and gasp when I see myself. The right side of my neck is covered in bruises and hickeys, and I look down at myself and notice the hand shaped bruises on my body. "How am I supposed to hide all this on my neck?" I whisper, surprised. I had not expected to see this.

He laughs at my reaction and says "don't worry about it, it's fine." I guess he's right. I'm covered in scars already, a couple bruises are fine. It's just that these are visible.

I rip the bandages off my arms. I look at the long cuts, sewn together. "They'll dissolve?" I ask. I don't want to go back to the hospital to get the stitches out. I'd rather just rip them out myself.

"Mhm."

We step into the shower, and I try to keep my eyes off of him as we clean off the dirt and sweat. I can't help trying to cover myself with my hands. He makes no effort to hide himself, though, and he doesn't try to keep himself from looking at me, either. I was ready to turn off the water and get dressed when he takes my hands and says "you don't have to be so shy, you know."

I look up at him and smile self consciously, now that he's holding my hands and I can't keep an arm across my chest. He looks down at me and I tell myself he's just looking at my face, but I know he's not. He puts his arms around my waist and picks me up. I gasp in surprise and wrap my arms around his neck to help hold myself up. I feel his lips on mine, and I open my mouth and kiss him back. I wrap my legs around his waist without thinking, and then realize what I just did. I feel the shower wall against my back now, and Andy moves his hands so he is holding under my thighs. I can feel his erection pressed against me. He moves his lips towards my ear. "Want to go again?" He whispers.

I hesitate, but then I smile. "Yes, Andy. Yes."

\-----

I walk over to my bag, and Andy laughs at me again. That didn't really help the soreness go away, but whatever. It still felt good in the moment, and I was going to be sore, anyways.

I ignore him and take some clothes out of my bag. "When are you going to wear short sleeves?" He asks.

I look at him. Is that really a question? "When these go away," I say, turning a wrist toward him. I know my scars aren't going away any time soon. The cuts had started getting pretty deep, and I had cut over the same places repeatedly in an attempt to keep myself from leaving too many scars behind. Yeah, look how that worked out. "I'm not going outside without covering these, Andy."

We both get dressed, finally. We sit down next to each other on the bed and I take the tin out of my bag. "They're not going to let me take this on the plane, are they?" I say, more to myself. He puts an arm around my shoulder. "I can't just...throw it out, though. This was Amber's," I say, tapping the lid.

He is silent for a second before saying "she kept her razor blades in it, too?" I nod, still looking down at it. "Maybe you should get rid of it, then. It has more bad memories in it than good, right?"

At this, I look up at him. "It's still one of the few things I have left of her, though," I say in a small voice.

"What's the first thing you think of when you see it?" He asks.

I look back down at it. Amber, obviously. But also the pain she would cause herself. I blink back tears as I think about the many times we sat in my living room and she talked about cutting. I don't answer him.

"What about when you look at the bracelet?" He asks quietly.

That's in my bag, and I don't move to take it out. I close my eyes to keep the tears from falling now. Just thinking about it brings back memories. But they're good memories. Memories of her and Angel, times when she was happy, when she would smile and actually mean it. The time in her life where her cutting didn't keep getting worse, when I thought there might be a chance to get her to stop. When I thought just maybe she would be ok. The bond she had with Angel was more than I could have ever asked for. I still don't answer Andy's questions.

"It's up to you, we can just get rid of the blades you have in there and mail it back to your house if you really want to, but if it's not doing you any good..." His voice trails off.

I squeeze it in my hand and sniff before opening my eyes. A tear falls, and he rubs my arm. I put it in his hand and squeeze my eyes shut again. "Take it, Andy," I choke out. "Make sure I quit this." I add. "I don't want to kill myself, I don't want to keep doing this," I tell him. "Somewhere inside me, I know it's wrong," I admit. "Listening to everything Amber did, I knew it wasn't right. But I just don't see why. I mean, thinking about it objectively, it makes sense. It's not hurting anyone but myself, and as long as I'm ready to deal with the consequences, what's so wrong about it? Even if I killed myself, so what? Everyone dies eventually. It just gives me more control, knowing when. If I really think my life sucks that much, why shouldn't I just kill myself? It's my decision." I swallow. I'm sure he doesn't like me talking like this, but I like finally getting these thoughts out loud. "If there really is no one there to love me, to miss me, why not just end the pain? I think that's why people try to tell themselves no one loves them. It makes it easier to finish yourself off. But too many people are telling themselves they're alone, when they're wrong. There are people out there that care, they're just pushing them away. But if there really was no one there that would be hurt by it, then why not? But even if there is, why should they feel bad about it? It wasn't their decision." I feel bad for making him listen to me talk like this. I know how much it hurts. "I tell myself it's ok when I do it, but whenever I think about Amber...I know it's not true, it hurts no matter what I tell myself. It'll always hurt. And I don't want to do that to someone else. So I never told anyone. But now that you know...I don't want to do that to you, too. I love you, Andy," I finish.

He pulls me against him and kisses my wet hair. I know he doesn't want to tell me I'm right or wrong about any of that. "You'll get through this, I promise, Kayley. I love you."


	33. Chapter 33

I don't know why, but Ashley came with us to the airport. Andy made me sit with them in the front room of the bus on the way there. I stayed quiet most of the time, but I felt myself getting a little excited. Ashley fucking Purdy was right fucking there! Why did I keep myself hidden the whole tour? Why didn't I try to get to know everyone else in the band, too?

"Do you know when you guys will be coming back?" Ashley asks as we pull into the airport.

I don't think I'll be coming back, but Andy has to, whether he likes it or not. I'm not letting him cancel the rest of the tour, he already missed last night's show. "I don't know," is all I say.

"You guys ready? I'm just dropping you off in front here," John says from the driver's seat.

I get up, holding my bag in one hand and Andy's hand in my other. "Bye, Ash," I say, giving him a short hug, just 'cause. Everyone knows I cut now, so I don't care. And he's Ashley Purdy, why wouldn't I?

I had wanted to talk to Andy, but I guess I could do that on the plane. It's a few hours, we'll have plenty of time. It's not anything terribly personal, and I'll never see any of those other people again, anyways, so I don't care if anyone else hears me.

We get off the bus and walk into the airport, and I feel myself getting more and more anxious as we go through security and shit. It's so stuffy in here, just like every other city. Everyone is in a rush, and everything is so confusing when you can't think straight. My hands are shaking pretty bad by the time we make it through everything, and we get some food and sit by our gate and wait for our flight to be called.

"Is it really that noticeable? The waddling?" I ask him. I thought it wasn't, but he was still laughing at me before. I thought I was dealing with it better, just ignoring it. I was hoping he just saw it because he was looking for it.

"It's fine, babe," he says, kissing my head.

I smile at him. "Did you just call me 'babe'?" I realize.

"Do you not like that?" He jokes.

I kiss his cheek. "I love that," I whisper.

I spend the rest of the time waiting in his arms with my eyes closed, trying to relax, trying not to think about the plane. But my eyes shoot open again when they start calling people for our flight. I look up at Andy in pure panic.

"It'll be ok, Kayley. Just remember why you're doing this. You'll be fine," he reassures me as he half leads, half drags me towards the line to have our tickets scanned. I hear the lady faintly through my anxiety telling us we could go, and I move towards the hall way that would bring us to the plane. My feet drag, slower and slower, until I can clearly hear the engine of the plane. My feet stop. I stand there, frozen. "We have to get on now if you want us to get seats together," I barely hear Andy say before he picks me up bridal style.

I can barely process anything through all the stress right now. But I know Andy carried me the rest of the way to the plane and I'm sitting down now. I'm pretty sure we got some weird looks, but I don't care. All I can hear is the plane's engine. I'm shaking terribly. My heart is racing so fast, I feel like I'm having a heart attack. I'm going to die. I think Andy is trying to talk to me, but I can't hear it. All I can do is sit there, frozen, staring ahead without actually seeing anything.

The plane starts moving, I don't know how long it took for that to happen, but I know we're moving now, faster and faster. I want to get out of here somehow. I look around frantically, trying to take in everything around me. I'm sitting in the middle seat, a woman I don't know on my left, and Andy to my right. But my eyes lock on a door. The plane is off the ground, I can feel the pressure rising in my ears. "I have to go," I try to say, still staring at the door.

"No, you don't," I hear the familiar voice say, and he holds my shoulders so I can't get up.

"I can't stay here," I say, getting more nervous about being held down.

"Look at me, Kayley," he says sternly. I look at his face, trying to focus. "Take a deep breathe."

"I can't," I mutter, wanting to push him off me. I can barely breath in the first place, but I try anyways, with little success. "I can't," I say again.

"Is everything ok?" I faintly hear a lady ask from the isle.

"I have to get off of this thing," I tell her frantically.

"We're good," Andy says to her calmly before turning his full attention back to me. "You're not thinking straight, you have to wake up, Kayley," he says.

"I am awake," I say, as if it were obvious. I start fidgeting, hoping he'll let go of me.

"Where are we going?" He asks.

"What kind of question is that, you don't know where we're going?" I say, somewhat angrily.

"No, I don't know where we are or where we're going or anything," he says. I try to push his hands off me gently at first, but he doesn't move, and I panic. I try to push him away more rudely, but he won't back off. I start to struggle more desperately. Why won't he let go of me? "Kayley, can you tell me where we are going?" He says again. I open my mouth to tell him, to yell at him for not letting me go, but close it again when I realize I have no idea, either. "We're on a plane to Long Island, Bailey just had surgery and we're going to see her," he says, looking at me calmly.

My mind snaps back when I hear Bailey's name. Everything comes back to me at once. "Bailey," I whisper, my whole body going limp.

He slowly lets go of my shoulders. "Ok? You can't get off this plane until we land. Just sit here and breath," he says.

"Andy," I mutter sadly, and lean against him. I take his hand. I look around again, just trying to see what the inside of a plane looks like, now that I can actually process things. The lady next to me is looking at us weird. There are two kids a few seats up staring at us. And I realize a few other people are, too. I'm sure it didn't help that he carried me onto the plane. I close my eyes and bury my face into Andy's chest, wishing they weren't looking at me. He puts his arm around me and kisses my head. "I'm sorry, Andy," I whisper.

\-----

An hour or so goes by before I really calm down. I haven't been on a plane in years, but I only had a problem with the take off and landing. I wasn't as hysterical, but I was ok once we were in the air.

"Bailey is going to hate me when we get back," I say.

"No she won't, Kayley."

"What if she doesn't even remember me?"

"Don't say that. She is going to be very happy to see you again," He says, hugging me against him.

"Andy?" I ask nervously.

"Yes?"

I want to ask him this, but I'm not sure if I should. It might be too late, anyways. "Do you want kids?" I ask shyly, not looking at him.

I know he smiles at that. "Do you?"

"Don't avoid the question." It feels good to say that, it's always me not answering.

He thinks for a second. "Maybe eventually," he answers, and pauses. "How 'bout you?"

"No." I didn't think last night. Or this morning, either. I don't want kids. I would be a terrible mother. I can't even take care of myself, let alone a child. "Andy?" I say again.

"Mhm?"

"What if I'm pregnant?" I don't care if other people are listening. I don't care that there are kids on this plane.

"That would change our plans around a bit, no?" He says jokingly. What 'plans' do we have, anyways? I just keep trying to run away from him. I look at him, trying to tell him to say something else. "I won't leave you, Kayley. Stop worrying about that. That would be my fault, anyways. I wouldn't just ruin your life and leave you to deal with it alone. I love you, I promise."

"I love you, too," I whisper. I don't say anything else for the rest of the plane ride.


	34. Chapter 34

As soon as the announcement was made that we would be landing, I had a death grip on Andy's hand. I stayed frozen to my seat this time, so he didn't have to hold me down. I was shaking violently. I couldn't even force myself to swallow to get the pressure out of my ears. I see everyone getting up around us, but I still can't move.

"Do you think you can walk?" Andy asks me. I'm vaguely aware of the lady next to us, who probably hates us right now for not jumping up like everyone else. "At least try to stand," he says, getting up and dragging me along with him. He hands me my bag, which I take numbly, and then he gets his. "Can you walk?" He says, pulling me behind him. I shuffle along, my mind fuzzy. _Maybe I don't look like I'm waddling anymore_ , I think to myself vaguely.

We walk through the isle and the tunnel away from the plane. "Want to sit down for a minute?" Andy asks me when we get into the airport.

I shake my head and check the time. "Lizzy should be here in, like, five minutes. I want to get there as soon as we can." As screwed up as I feel, I still want to see my horse.

Andy leads me to the entrance of the airport. I don't know how he did that, I would have gotten terribly lost. Maybe it's not that hard once you've done it a couple times. Or maybe he did get lost, and just didn't show it. Either way, I don't care. "She better not freak out when she sees you," I mumble to him.

He looks down at me and smiles. "I don't usually walk through an airport full of people without getting recognized."

"Everyone on the plane thought I was a mess," I say.

"They can go fuck themselves." I look up at him, surprised by his reaction. "I'm sorry I forced you into that."

"You didn't force me into anything," I try to tell him, but he keeps talking.

"I wanted to get on the plane quickly so we would have seats together, but I shouldn't have tried so hard. We were some of the last people on. A man got up for us, I didn't know if you were even conscious at that point, I thought you just went into shock or something. And then I shouldn't have held you down like that, either, it didn't help anything."

"Stop, Andy," I say, not knowing if he was done, but not wanting him to say all this. "You did fine, I never would have gotten on that plane if it was up to me. Or I would have just killed everyone on it."

Lizzy's car pulls up in front of us before he can say anything. I can see her eyes double in size before she even gets out of the car. She comes over and hugs me, and then Andy. "In all honesty, I don't think I believed you when you said Andy was coming back here with you," she says to me, but unable to take her eyes off of him. "You can put you're stuff in the trunk," she says, blinking, and gets back in the driver's seat.

Andy and I sit in the back of the car, just 'cause I want to be next to him. I can see how tired Lizzy is, and I feel bad. "Thank you, Liz, I'm so sorry this happened," I say once again.

"It's fine, really, Kayley, don't worry about it."

"How is she now?" I ask.

She hesitates, and my heart skips a beat in the moment of silence. "They said she's fine physically, but she's acting pretty aggressive," she says slowly. "I mean, I don't blame her, she has no idea where she is, and a bunch of doctors keep poking her with things, but I don't know, I just thought it was weird 'cause she's always so calm when you take her anywhere."

I look down at my hand, which Andy is holding. My other hand is in my pocket. "I shouldn't have left," I tell myself again. I don't care what they keep telling me, I shouldn't have left. I wasn't there when Bailey needed me.

The rest of the car ride is quiet and it feels like hours go by before we pull into the vet parking lot. My truck and trailer are still here, waiting for me to bring Bailey back home. The building has a three stall barn attached to it, and there is a small paddock outside.

We get out of the car, and I don't know why, but I feel nervous. What if she hates me? What if she doesn't even remember me? What if she's scared of me, or acts aggressively, like she is with everyone else?

We walk through the main door, Andy and I holding hands. I go to the desk, and the lady gives me some papers to fill out. "I was able to fill out most of it, there was just some things I wasn't sure about," Lizzy says. I answer some questions about Bailey, and then give the lady my credit card. She tells me the price again, and I nod, biting my lip.

"I'll pay for it, Kayley," Andy says.

"No, you're not, Andy. This is my problem, not yours," I tell him. I'm going to be up to my neck in debt, but I'm not letting him pay for this.

The lady gives back my credit card, and I walk towards the door to the 'barn.' I look through the glass door, and I see Bailey. My hands are shaking. Her head is hanging out of the stall, her ears pinned back angrily. I open the door slowly, and I'm instantly relieved. Her ears perk straight up when she sees me and she neighs loudly. I let go of Andy's hand and run up to her, hugging her neck over the stall door. Tears sting my eyes when she puts her head on my shoulder to hug me back. "I'm so sorry," I whisper into her mane. She nudges me gently. I take a step back to look at her. She's lost a couple pounds since I left. "Has she been eating ok?" I can't help asking.

"A little more picky than usual, but she's eating. I didn't tell you 'cause I didn't want to get you worried, but I probably should have..." Lizzy answers reluctantly.

I open the stall door enough for me to step in, and I hug her again. She nibbles at my hair gently and I laugh. She pins her ears back again, and I realize Andy is standing by the stall door. I shove Bailey's neck, trying to tell her to calm down, and her ears perk back up as she looks at me, confused. "You better be nice to him, pony," I tell her. I don't care what other people think, I talk to my horse like she can understand me.

A vet walks up to the stall door. Bailey's ears go back and I push her again to get her attention back. I know she's not comfortable right now. "Are you the owner?" He asks. I nod. He tells me about how the surgery went, how I should take care of her while she recovers, all that kind of stuff.

Bailey follows me quietly onto the trailer. One of the vet techs comments on how much happier she is now that I'm here with her. She doesn't realize how much it hurt for me to hear that, that I keep blaming myself for this whole thing. We take our bags out of Lizzy's car so she can go home and sleep. I give her money for taking care of the horses, like I told her I would.

"How much do I owe you?" Andy asks on our way home.

"You don't owe me anything, Andy," I say.

"I said I was going to pay Lizzy if you came on tour with us."

"The horses are my problem, not yours. Don't worry about it."

"You just paid how much for that surgery? I can pay you back what you just gave your friend, Kayley," he tells me.

"It's fine, Andy, don't worry about it," I say persistently.

He sighs, and we're quiet for the rest of the drive home.


	35. Chapter 35

"Are you sleeping in there tonight?" Andy asks. I've been sitting on the floor of Bailey's stall since we got back. I got up to feed the horses and bring Chance in, but that was it. Bailey is laying down next to me. She has to stay in her stall until she recovers, and she is going to hate being stuck in here for so long. I nod.

"You should eat something."

"I'm fine," I say. "You can eat something, though, I don't know what's left in the house, or if anything is still good. You can sleep in my bed, too."

He steps into the stall and sits down next to me, leaning against the wall. Bailey watches him as he takes my hand from my pocket. She acts like an overly protective parent sometimes, and it's kind of funny. "I'll stay here," he says. "I don't know how you're going to sleep, though, this isn't very comfortable."

"I just put extra bedding down for her, that's not enough for you?" I say teasingly.

He smiles back at me, and I can't help kissing his lips. I hug him, pulling myself into his lap, and continue to kiss him passionately. He rubs his hands on my back, and I don't hesitate to slip my hands under his shirt. "You'll do this with an audience?" Andy whispers jokingly.

I turn around without letting go of him, and see Bailey getting up. She walks over and puts her nose between my face and Andy's. I laugh, and she nuzzles my face. I let go of Andy to hug her big head. When I let go of her, she starts sniffing me all over. She sniffs at my right wrist profusely. "I know, pony, I'm sorry," I say, moving my arm. "She knows when I cut," I whisper to Andy. She sniffs my stomach. "Ok, Bailey, I get it, I smell," I say.

"No you don't," Andy says, smiling, and kisses me again. Bailey nudges his head. "Hey!" He says, and I laugh. Bailey just stands there, waiting to do it again. "I think she wants to step on me."

"No she won't," I say. I guess to any normal person, sitting under a huge horse looks kind of scary, but I know she is always careful about where she puts her feet. I trust her so much, sometimes I think it's a bad thing, but I don't care. I'm tempted to kiss Andy again so Bailey can have some fun, but I don't want to scare him. I sit back down next to him, practically under Bailey's feet. She pokes at my stomach again. "Lay down," I tell her, and she lays down with her head in my lap, looking up at me with her eyes like a dog. I can't help smiling down at her.

"You taught her to lay down?" Andy asks, taking my hand again.

I nod. "She only does it when I tell her, though."

I fall asleep like that, Andy holding my hand and Bailey's head in my lap.

\-----

I wake up to something soft nudging my cheek. "Thank you, pony," I whisper, not wanting to wake up Andy. She is still laying next to me, and puts her head back in my lap. I rub her neck. I guess it isn't a very comfortable place to sleep, but whatever. I look at Andy, who is awake, too.

"Were you dreaming?" He asks.

"Yeah, I wasn't crying, though, was I?"

He shakes his head. "You have a really strong connection with that horse," he says. "She can read your mind."

"Did you sleep at all?" He doesn't answer. "Go inside if you can't sleep out here, Andy, I'm fine."

"Don't worry about it, go back to sleep," he says.

\-----

I wake up in the morning when Bailey decides it's time for breakfast. She gets up and neighs loudly. "C'mon, Andy, the horses are hungry," I say, getting up and brushing the bedding off my butt.

I put a rope around Chance's neck, not bothering to put his halter on, and he walks to his paddock. Bailey stomps in her stall when I walk past her to the feed room, reminding me that she is still inside. "You're not allowed out," I tell her, and she stomps again. "Go throw this in Chance's paddock," I say, handing Andy some hay. I give Bailey her hay in a hay net so it keeps her entertained longer, but she doesn't touch it. She eats her grain like she hasn't eaten in weeks, like almost every other horse.

"Do you want help?" Andy asks, standing next to the wheelbarrow I put by the door of Chance's stall.

"Do you think that's a good place to stand?" I say, 'accidentally' missing the wheelbarrow, throwing poop at him.

"Hey!" He says, jumping back. I just laugh. Lizzy and I take forever to clean up when we 'help' each other, we just throw poop at each other and flip the wheelbarrow when the other person isn't looking.

"There's another pitchfork by the barn door, if you want to get that," I say, still laughing.

\-----

"You have to eat something, Kayley," Andy says, leading me towards the house.

"Everything probably went bad already, I don't have anything," I whine as we walk in the door.

"Then we're going to the store, 'cause I'm hungry."

"I can't leave Bailey--"

"We'll be 15 minutes, Kayley, I know you don't want to leave her, but you're not allowed to starve yourself over that," he says, looking through cabinets for something to eat. I don't usually have a lot, but I told Lizzy she could have it if she stayed in here at all so it wouldn't get stale.

I throw the keys to my truck at him and take some money out of my wallet. "You can drive, too, right? You can go and I'll stay here." He's quiet. He doesn't want to leave me alone, but I don't care. It's my house. "There's a Stop & Shop right over there," I say, pointing, like that's going to help him find it, "go nuts."

He hesitates, but eventually says "what am I getting?"

"I don't care, whatever you want," I say, and hug him before practically pushing him out the door.

As much as I want to go back outside, I go to my room and organize all the things I had taken with me on tour and lay down on my bed. Simple things like this are something people just take for granted. Sleeping in the same bed every night is one of those things you don't realize you'll miss. It's nice to be back here. I think about the first night Andy was here, when he came into my room to check on me, and I told him to stay there. I get up to change, trying not to look at myself, and then walk to the bathroom.

I know I shouldn't be looking at that blade. I want to quit, I really do, but it's hard to forget the feeling. It's addictive, and I want to do it again. I roll up my sleeve, and look at the long row of stitches. I hadn't even felt it when I did that. They were supposed to be the last time I ever cut myself, and I hadn't even felt it. Shouldn't I know when the last one will be, so I can savor it? I press the blade to my skin, over an old scar. Just one more time would be ok, right?

I haven't pushed the blade down enough to draw blood yet, when I hear the front door open. "I'm back!" I hear Andy say. I close my eyes and my head drops. _That's why I was quitting_ , I remember. Because someone who cares too much found out, and it'll kill him to know he isn't helping.

I put the blade back without cutting myself. I'm about 36 hours or so clean right now, and still going. I feel proud for a second, but remind myself I'm proud of something most people do everyday. Most people don't cut at all, I shouldn't be proud of 36 hours.

"Thanks, Andy," I say, walking into the kitchen. There are some bags on the counter, along with my wallet and keys. I hug him, trying to take as much of the good feeling from it as possible, trying to remind myself how much better he is than cutting.

"You have to eat, now," he tells me.


	36. Chapter 36

"How's Bailey?" Lizzy asks when she walks into the yard.

"She won't touch her hay, she hates being inside while Chance is out. I've been in the barn with her since we got back, but she's still not happy," I say, worried. She wasn't eating before because she missed me, and now she won't eat because she's stuck inside.

"She ate when they were both in?" Lizzy asks.

"Yeah, hopefully she'll eat tonight..."

"She's allowed to walk, right? She just can't be going too crazy? You can take her outside on a lead line, and maybe she'll eat then?" She suggests.

"Yeah, I'll try that tomorrow if she still won't eat." I sigh, and Andy rubs my arm with the hand he had around me.

"If you want to ride Chance, I'm not going to today. I just wanted to come see how Bailey was doing," she says. And to see Andy, probably, but she doesn't say it. She handled that a lot better than I thought she would. I thought she was going to kill me for lying to her. "If you want to use him for lessons until she gets better, too, that's fine. How long does she have to stay in her stall?"

"Two weeks. Thank you, Liz."

She nods. "How long are you staying in New York?" She asks Andy.

He shrugs and looks at me. "You're not missing any more shows," I say stubbornly. "When is the next one supposed to be?"

"We didn't cancel, we're rescheduling them," he corrects me.

"That's great," I say sarcastically. "So when's the next one supposed to be?"

"Tomorrow night," he says hesitantly.

"He's leaving by then," I tell Lizzy.

"So are y--" Andy starts.

"Later, Andy," I interrupt him quietly. I haven't formally told him I wasn't coming back with him. I'm not leaving again, and I don't want to have that argument in front of Lizzy, who I'm sure is very happy to have brought that up.

Bailey neighs. She's had her head out of the stall, watching me and Andy whenever she can.

"Does she approve of you two?" Lizzy asks, laughing.

"No," Andy grunts, and I laugh.

"She pushes him when she thinks we're too close," I say.

"Aw, well that's kinda cute!" Lizzy laughs. "Did that guy ever call you back about moving his horse here?"

"No," I say. I had completely forgotten. "No one else was interested, either." It was kind of surprising that no one else had even called, I don't charge much, especially compared to most of the other places this close to trails.

"You should advertise more, this is a nice place!" She says. "I'm gonna go back home, just try to give me a heads up when you want to use Chance for lessons, if you can." She hugs me and Andy before she goes.

I turn around to look at Bailey, who had been watching intently. "Eat your hay, pony, being cute isn't going to get you out," I say, like she understands.

"I'm not going back if you're not," Andy says.

I turn to face him. "Yes, you are, Andy. You can't miss any more shows, your fans are gonna hate you for it."

"Real life comes first. I'm staying here with you, whether you like it or not."

"Stop, Andy, don't do that. You have to go back and finish the tour. There's, like, a week left, I'll be fine. You can come back after, I'll still be right here. I'll be fine, ok?"

"When was the last time you cut?" He asks, surprising me.

"What?"

"When was the last time you cut?" He says again.

I hesitate, somewhat confused, before saying quietly "I haven't done it again."

"What were you doing when I left you alone this morning?"

"What, you don't believe me?" I say, irritated. I roll up my sleeves. "Look, do you see anything new? I'm fine, Andy, I told you, I'm trying to quit."

"I believe you--"

"When was the last time you had a cigarette?" I ask, ignoring him.

He looks back at me for a second before saying "before you took that pack I left on the bus."

I don't know what to say. I didn't think he was actually going to try to quit. "Call your manager and get yourself a plane ticket. Your not missing tomorrow's show."

"I'm not leaving by tomorrow if your not coming."

"Don't be stubborn, Andy, I'm fine!" I say, getting frustrated.

"If you're not coming back, I want to stay at least one more day."

I stare up at him, somewhat angry. I know I'm not going to win. "One more day," I finally agree, and walk away to give the horses their dinner.

\-----

"Can I see your phone for a second?" Andy asks.

I hesitate, but give it to him. I have nothing to hide from him, and I don't want him to think I do. He knows more about me than anyone else does already, it doesn't matter. "Why?"

He looks through something, and then puts something into his phone. "I just wanted Lizzy's number."

"She doesn't know, Andy, you better not--"

"I'm not telling her anything, I just want it in case I need it, ok? You have the number for everyone else in my band if you need it--"

"No I don't."

"You do now," he says, handing me my phone back. "Are we sleeping inside tonight?" He asks, changing the subject.

"I'm not, you can, though."

"I'll be right back, I just want to change. But I'm sleeping out here, too, then."

\-----

"Do we have to sleep in her stall?" Andy whines as I unlock the stall door. "She doesn't let me near you."

I laugh. "Come over here and kiss me, then," I say, walking to the other side of the barn isle.

He puts his arms around me, kissing me roughly. He doesn't hesitate to slip his hands under my shirt and rub my back. Bailey neighs her annoyance, but he doesn't care. He pulls my shirt over my head. He doesn't bother to take it slowly, and I don't care. I pull his shirt off, too. Before I know it, we're both naked, my back against the wall with my legs around his waist. No protection, because I'm still not smart enough to bother. Bailey neighs again. Andy doesn't care, and at this point, I don't think I do either. I think he's enjoying it, actually, fucking me right in front of her where she can't do anything about it.

"If I get pregnant, Andy, I'll--" I start to say after he puts me down and I start getting dressed again.

"You'll what?" He asks, sounding amused.

"I'll...I don't know, I'll think of something," I say, somewhat embarrassed.

He laughs, and kisses me again. I drop the shirt I was holding to put my hands behind his head. Bailey neighs again, and I push Andy away playfully. "Stop teasing her like that," I laugh, and finish getting dressed.

"She should get used to it," he says, but I ignore him and walk into Bailey's stall. She pushes me rudely as soon as I step in.

"Hey!" I say, and Andy laughs. She shoves him, too. I hug her neck, and she puts her head around me. "I know, I'm sorry," I say into her mane. I sit down on the floor next to Andy, and Bailey lays down with her head in my lap. "You know, I was still a virgin a week ago," I say, taking his hand and closing my eyes.

"Are you regretting it?"

I think for a second. "No," I finally answer. "It's just...weird, I guess. I thought I would stay that way my whole life, trying to hide these scars. I don't regret it, though." After a minute, I ask "do you?" I know he didn't lose his virginity to me, but I just want to know if he regrets possibly getting me pregnant.

"Of course not, Kayley. I love you," he says quietly.

I smile. "I love you, too, Andy."


	37. Chapter 37

I started up my lessons again, now that I'm home. I usually only have one or two lessons a day, so I used Chance for the first lesson today, and Bailey for the second one because the student was still a beginner, so just walking wasn't a problem. She wouldn't eat her hay inside, so I'm sitting on the fence next to Andy holding her lead line while she eats outside.

I sit there, enjoying the silence, watching Bailey, thinking. What if I'm pregnant? What am I going to do? I can barely take care of myself, I can barely afford to keep my house, I can't have a kid. My horse would probably take better care of it than I would. And Andy would never be with me, he'd always be on tour, I would almost always be alone with it. Would I even be able to survive on my own, without Andy, let alone with a child? I would probably end up killing myself.

"What are you thinking about?" Andy asks, interrupting my thoughts.

I shrug. "Nothing."

"No you're not," he says, putting an arm around me.

I sigh. "I really hope I'm not pregnant, Andy," I admit.

"I'm sorry, Kayley, I'll go to a CVS or something today and get us some protection." He really sounds sorry, and I feel kind of bad.

"It doesn't really matter, now, unless three times wasn't enough to get me pregnant already," I mutter.

"I promise everything will work out." He kisses my cheek. Bailey looks up at us, as if giving us a warning, before going back to her hay. He smiles at her. "When are you going to ride again? You haven't done that since before we left for tour."

"When she's better. She isn't going to like just walking when I'm riding her; she'll get all excited."

"What about Chance?"

I hesitate. I'm still soar from last night. "Do you want to?" I ask and he shrugs.

Before I say anything else, my phone starts ringing. I groan. It's my mom, probably just making sure I'm still alive, after the last time I called. "Hello?"

"Hey, Kayley, how are you?"

"Good." I don't like to talk, I'm usually as straight forward as possible.

"How are things going with Andy?"

"Good. Bailey thinks it's weird that I'm actually around another person again," I say, trying to lighten the mood. Last time I talked to her, I was going to try to run away from him.

"You're back home?" She doesn't sound surprised.

"Yeah, we came back because Bailey was colicing." I forgot the tour wasn't over yet.

"Is she ok?" Why doesn't she sound worried?

"She's ok now, she had surgery."

"How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine, Mom, everything is ok here."

"What about money? Aren't those expensive?" She was never that into horses, I don't know why she knows this...

"I got it, Mom, it's fine."

I keep telling her I'm fine. And she invites herself over for tomorrow. And she wants to stay for who knows how long.

"Give me your phone," I say to Andy when I hang up.

"What?" He says, confused.

"I said give me your phone," I repeat myself, irritated.

He hands it to me, still confused. I look at his recent calls. "Why the fuck did you call my mom?" I demand, looking at him. I can feel my face turn white. "You better not have told her, Andy, or--"

"I didn't tell her that you cut, I promise," he says seriously.

"Then why did you call her?"

He shrugs. "I guess...I don't know."

"You don't trust me to be alone?" I spit the words at him.

"It's not that I don't trust you, Kayley, it's just that--"

"Just what, Andy? You don't think I can take care of myself? You don't think I'm going to feed myself or something?"

"You told me you wanted me to help you quit, and I'm going to be going back on tour. How did you expect me to help you?" He says, sounding somewhat nervous about what I'm going to do.

"So you thought this would help?" I say, exasperated. I shake my head. "Andy, I just...I can't. She's going to know about all this, then, and I can't do that to her, don't you get it?"

"You keep saying you're fine--"

"I'm not! Did you believe me, any one of those times I said that?! I'm not fucking fine, and I never will be, and the last person I want to see that is my mom. I'm going to be having meltdowns over this whole possibly pregnant thing, too, I can't tell her that. She'll know it anyways when she sees all the shit on my neck. Do something about this, ok, Andy?"

I get up and take Bailey back to her stall, banging my head on the wall. I can't face my mother like this. Bailey nudges me gently, sensing that something is wrong, and I hug her and cry into her mane.


	38. Chapter 38

"Are you sleeping inside tonight?" Andy asks from outside the stall. I'm sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall, where I've slept the last two nights.

"No."

"I'm not going back for tour until you do."

I glare at him. "Did my mom tell you that, too?" I ask angrily. I would always sleep in my bed when I was little, no matter what happened. My parents knew something was up if I slept on the couch or something. I shake my head. "Sorry," I mutter.

He doesn't answer. I don't want to leave Bailey, but Andy has to go back. As much as I want him to stay here while my mom is here, I know I can't keep him trapped. I look at Bailey, who is eating her dinner, and sigh. "Coming." I get up and leave the barn slowly, and Bailey neighs. He takes my hand, trying not to let me change my mind.

I get ready for bed, looking out the window to the barn probably too many times, even if I can't see her from here. I see the bag from the store Andy went to today, and look in it, for whatever reason. Condoms. And a couple pregnancy tests. I'm tempted to take one because, well, what else are they for? But it's probably too soon to tell, anyways, and it's not like taking it now as opposed to next week will change anything. I'm not sure I really want to know, either.

I lay down, curled up in Andy's arms, who is probably expecting more. "Did you talk to my mom?" I ask.

He hesitates, but says "yes."

"And?"

He hesitates again. "She said she'll leave if she thinks you're ok."

"That doesn't help, Andy," I say, not upset or anything. He only wants to help.

"I know, but you can try to convince her before I leave? I'll stay another day, too, if you want."

"You're not staying any more, you have to get back. I'll deal with it. I'll just keep myself busy with lessons and shit."

"We can practice 'being ok' before she gets here tomorrow," he whispers.

I look up at him. "How do I practice that?" I say, curious where he's going with this. "I'm not having sex with you in front of my mom, if that's where you're going with this."

"Practice being crazy in love. You don't like to show it when we're around other people unless you're having an anxiety attack."

I'm still confused. "How's that supposed to help?"

"Maybe she'll think I'm helping you enough, and as long as I'm here, you'll be fine? It'll help keep you distracted while she's here, too."

That won't work. She thinks something happened between us, bad enough that I wanted to leave him. And even if that worked out, he isn't going to be here anymore, so why would that be ok? Wouldn't she want to be here when he isn't, then? And she knows Bailey will always be my number one priority, not some boy. His logic isn't working for me, but I go with it anyways. "Ok."

He's quiet for a minute before asking "are you going to sleep?"

As much as I know I shouldn't, I want to do it again. It's not like the bruises are going to go away in one night, so if I get more, so what? He's leaving soon, anyways, he'll probably miss this, too, so why not? One more time won't hurt. Besides, we have protection this time, too. I smile and kiss him playfully.

\-----

As soon as I wake up, I want to go back outside to see Bailey. Thinking back to last night, I remember what Andy had said about 'practicing being ok' or whatever. I lean over his sleeping body, neither of us wearing clothes, and kiss his lips. He groans, but eventually kisses back. He throws his arms around me, pulling me deeper into the kiss, as I straddle his waist. He rubs his hands on my back. I want to do it again. I never learn, I guess. I can feel him, rather close to my entrance, and I don't want to hold myself back. I had felt responsible(er) last night when we used protection, but I don't care now. It feels better without it. "Can we do it?" I breathe.

"Get another condom first," he tells me.

"I don't want to," I admit. He looks surprised. "Come on, Andy, it's fine." He hesitates, but grabs me and flips us over so he's on top.

\-----

I've gotten better at walking after that, been able to stand it better or something. "So are you practicing being all mushy?" Andy asks as we get dressed after our shower.

"Am I not allowed to do that?" I say, faking hurt.

He smiles at me. "Just a guess, but I don't think your mom would be happy if we just stripped every couple minutes."

I laugh. "I can't help myself, I guess I just get carried away," I admit. "What time do you have to be at the airport?" I ask, remembering he is supposed to get to wherever he's going for a show tonight. He doesn't answer. "Shit, Andy, you did not cancel another fucking show, did you?" I say, irritated. "I'm going to kick you out of this house, you can't keep doing this. I'm calling your manager, you're not missing tomorrow's show, ok?" It's kind of pissing me off that he doesn't trust me to be alone, and he's disappointing fans while he's staying here. "You didn't even tell your fans about us yet, did you? Do that right now, post it on twitter or whatever, get something done while we're sitting here." I stare at him.

"Don't worry about that, I didn't forget. I wanted a picture of us to go with it," he mumbles, hugging me gently after we're both dressed.

"You have pictures of us, Andy," I say, still irritated.

"And maybe the only other one who you might give higher value to?"

"Come on, I have to feed them, anyways," I say, feeling some sort of relief, knowing that he accepts my crazy obsession with my horse.

He posts the picture of us and Bailey, passively mentioning his girlfriend in the post, and I can't help the excitement I feel when he says that. I'm really dating Andy Biersack?! I peck his cheek after we're out of the stall. "Thank you, Andy," I say.

"For what? You're right, I should have done that sooner." He puts his arms around my waist, and I can't help putting my arms around his neck to kiss him happily.

And of course, just when we started kissing, I hear someone pulling into the driveway. I jump. "I guess she's here," I mutter.

Andy gives me some last reassuring words as we walk up to the house to great my mom. "Whenever you need something to help regain yourself, I'm here, ok? Just don't be afraid to be all mushy."

We open the door, me unable to let got of Andy's hand. I was really trying not to let myself get too anxious. Andy frees his hand from my death grip so I can give my mom a hug, and then he puts his arm around me. I don't know what to do or say now. I just know I have to convince her I'm ok.

We go outside because, well, I want to. Bailey still hasn't touched her hay from breakfast, so I sit on the fence of her paddock holding the lead line. I have a lesson in about half an hour that I'm using Chance for.

I know I have to talk. She's never going to think I'm ok if I don't talk. But I don't know what to say. I hardly ever talk to my parents, I don't know what to talk about. I ask her about how her job is going, how my dad is doing, my brother, who lives in an apartment and wants to buy a house with his girlfriend. Apparently they're (finally) engaged. I pretend to care. I probably should care, but it's just so boring to me.

"Hold this, I have to get Chance ready for a lesson," I say, handing my mom Bailey's lead, and catch Chance. I brush and tack him in his paddock, and he's ready before my student gets here. I like using my own horse better, I trust her more, but he really is a good boy.

Andy walks up behind me, putting his arms around me and kisses my neck. I had tried to cover the bruises with makeup. They're less obvious, but they're still there. I smile and turn my head so he can reach my lips. I'm not sure how much my mom will like the show, but I don't care. I turn around in his arms, letting go of Chance's reins like the responsible horse owner I am, and kiss him back. I fist my hands in his shirt to keep myself from taking it off of him entirely. I am barely able to breathe, but it doesn't matter. All I need right now is him.

Bailey neighs, and I pull back, smiling up at him. I want to say something, give some sort of excuse to let go of him, but I don't want to. Until Chance gets distracted and starts to walk away, so I grab his reins again. "When are you going to ride again?" Andy asks.

"Why, do you want to?" I ask him, but don't wait for an answer. "We can both get on Chance after this lesson," which I just heard them getting out of their car out front. I walk Chance to the ring.


	39. Chapter 39

After my student left, I took the saddle off Chance and Andy and I got on him. I asked my mom if she wanted to ride, but she said no. So we are walking aimlessly around the ring, Andy's arms wrapped around me and his head on my shoulder. I know my mom is watching us, probably thinking about how romantic it looks. Or that she wants to rip his guts out because she thinks we almost broke up. Either way, it doesn't matter. He kisses my cheek when our backs are facing her, and I smile. I turn my head so he can reach my lips again and close my eyes. I open my mouth and kiss him back gently, not caring where Chance walks.

When I look up, my mom is holding her phone. "Did you take a picture?!" I ask, feeling...surprised, I guess.

She smiles. "You two are just so cute!" I did not expect that. "I'll send it to you," she adds. I blush.

"And you're going to send it to me, right?" Andy whispers in my ear.

"Did you see what people said about us when you put up that picture?" I ask, turning my attention back to him.

"Does it matter?" He says.

"No, I'm just curious." I probably shouldn't look at the comments, I don't expect people to be too nice. All the fangirls who are convinced they're going to marry him are probably plotting out my murder right now. "Did you call your manager yet?"

"When do you think I would have done that?" He says.

"Do that now," I tell him. "Tell him you need a plane ticket for tomorrow morning. There's less than a week left in the tour, you can't miss any more shows." He doesn't answer, or take his hands off me, and I look back at him.

"I'll do it later," he says.

"Give me you're phone," I say. He's just going to tell him to cancel it if he puts it off.

"I'll call him later, you can listen to our conversation if you want, I just don't want to fall off right now, ok?" He tries to tell me. I don't believe him, but I agree.

\-----

I have another lesson in a few hours, and I'm going to use Bailey for that one. But for now, I put Chance in his paddock and Bailey in her stall. I don't want to go back in the house, but I know my mom won't think I'm better if I don't leave Bailey's stall. Or if I don't eat. "Are you hungry?" I ask my mom.

Andy is standing with one arm around me, and I feel his phone start vibrating. He looks at it and says quietly "I have to take this."

"If it's you're manager, you better--"

"It's not," he interrupts me. "You can go inside, I'll be right there." He walks out the barn door closest to the park. I'm tempted to follow him, but I want to give him his privacy.

"C'mon," I mutter to my mom and walk out the other door towards the house. Bailey neighs as I walk away.

When we get into the house, I can't help the anxiety building up inside me, I can't help worrying about him. Something is wrong, and I want to be there for him, like he has been for me. I'm too distracted to be able to carry out a conversation with my mom, and she knows it. "If you want to go back out there..." She says eventually. I haven't stopped looking out the window, even though I can't see Andy or Bailey from here.

I get up without questioning it. I don't know if Andy really wants me out there with him, but I guess I'll find out. I walk through the barn slowly, listening to what he's saying as I go, as much as I know I shouldn't. "I'll make them up as soon as I can get back...I don't know..." He's sitting in the grass, his head in one hand, his other hand holding the phone. "I know, I'm trying, John, it's just complicated, ok?" I sit down next to him, looking down at the grass. "Just give me, like, two more days, ok? And then we can go back to the other cities we missed...They'll get it, I'm sure it'll be ok with them..." Something happened, and he's cancelling more shows. "Just...Fuck you, I don't care what you do, then!" He yells into the phone, and throws it. I could hear the frustration and sadness in his voice. He turns and puts his arms around me and his face on my shoulder. "My grandma is in the hospital again," he chokes out. "I have to go back home."

I don't know what to say, how to comfort him, anything. "Oh, Andy, I'm so sorry," is all I can say. I close my eyes and hug him, wishing I could do something that would help. All I can do is sit there and listen to his uneven breathing. "I'm coming with you," I tell him eventually.

"No you're not," he mutters.

I don't want to end up arguing with him when he's like this. "You did it for me, you came back here with me, I can do it for you."

"You're not leaving Bailey again," he says.

"It's my turn to not want to leave you, Andy," I whisper. "It's fine, don't worry about me."

He looks up at me, his eyes red. "I'll worry about you no matter where we are, Kayley, don't say that." I pushed him too far already. He was already too far after that phone call, I shouldn't have brought it up so soon. "I'll worry about you if you come with me, when you're away from home, or I'll worry if you stay home and I'm not here with you. Don't tell me not to worry," he says again.

I look back at him sadly. "I'm s--"

"Don't say you're sorry," he interrupts me harshly. "Sorry," he mutters and looks away.

I look at him, helpless. "C'mon," I say after thinking for a second, getting up and dragging him along with me.

"Kayley, please don't," he complains. "I just want to stay here."

"Yeah, I know," I say, opening Bailey's stall.

He groans. "How is she supposed to help me?"

I ignore him and pull him into the stall after me. Bailey looks at us, ears perked, and walks forward. She wants to come up to me, but senses how upset Andy is, and wraps her neck around him like I knew she would. She can always tell when someone has a problem, and always wants to help. She wouldn't mind standing there like this for hours if that's what she thought she had to do. I don't know how anyone could have been so heartless that they could abuse her the way they did.

Bailey looks at me when Andy calms down, as if asking if he's ok now. "When are we going?" I ask gently.

He looks at me, his eyes glassy. "I have to get tickets," he mutters. "You don't have to come, you know," he says.

"Yes, I do, Andy," I tell him firmly. "You did it for me."

He sighs. "I'll get the tickets now, then," he says and walks outside to find his phone.

As he's buying the tickets, my phone starts ringing. I look, and it's Ashley. I didn't know he even had my number. I glance at Andy, who doesn't bother to look at me. I don't want to say anything; I don't know what just happened between Andy and John. I put it back in my pocket without answering. "Who was it?" Andy asks, not sounding all that interested.

"Wrong number," I lie.

I get a text, and he glances up from what he's doing, but doesn't say anything. It was Ashley. 'Tell Andy to call me. Let him know everything is fine and John is just a dick.' I don't say anything, and he doesn't ask.

"There's a flight eight o'clock tonight, is that ok?" He asks.

"Mhm."

He goes back to his phone. "Do we have to go back inside now?" He asks when he's done.

"I have to let my mom know she can't stay here tonight. I'll come back out, though." I guess I have to tell Andy what Ashley said eventually. "And, uh, Ashley texted me," I say hesitantly.

"Why?" He says reflexively. I show him the message. "I'll call him later," he mumbles, although I'm not sure I believe him.

I want to say something like 'it'll be ok' or some shit like that, but I don't know if that's true, and I know I hate when people say that kind of stuff. "I'll be right back, ok?" I kiss his cheek and walk away slowly, not wanting to leave him.

I go back in the house, still looking back at the barn through the window. You can only see the entrance of the isle from here, so I can't see Andy. "Hey, ma," I say, still pretty distracted.

"Is everything ok?" She asks gently.

"Um, Andy has to go back home for a family emergency," I start.

"And you're going with him?" She finishes for me. I guess she could have guessed that much. I nod. "When are you leaving?"

"The plane leaves at eight tonight."

"You're getting on another plane?" She sounds surprised. "How did it go getting back here?" She thought I was bad when I was younger, she'd probably think I was having a seizure if she saw me the other day.

"Fine, I guess," I say, trying not to let her realize how bad it was. I barely remember getting on the plane.

"I can drive you guys so you don't have to leave your car at the airport," she says.

"Thank you, mom," I say and hug her.

"You want to go back out there?" I guess I made it kind of obvious I'm dying to get back out there with him.

I nod. "Lizzy will probably be here soon, I guess I have to talk to her about watching the horses again." I don't know how bad Bailey is going to be this time, she didn't eat when I was gone and she won't eat when she's in her stall alone, she's going to be a mess now.

I go back outside, and I'm somewhat surprised to find Andy in Bailey's stall. There's something about horses, especially horses like Bailey, that just helps people. There's a positive energy or something that they just have, and people just pick up on it, and the horses can pick up on every little emotion a person has, it makes a connection that can really change a person. It's something so many people don't really understand until they experience it.

Bailey has her head lowered, and he's just standing there, petting her forehead. He didn't see me walk in, and I watch quietly. Bailey looks up at me with her eyes, but doesn't move. He looks behind him eventually, I guess he realizes I was taking a while, and drops his hand. I smile at him, and he mumbles something.

"You can stay in there," I say as he leaves the stall, feeling guilty I was watching him.

He ignores me. "What time do you want to leave?" He asks instead.

"Like, six? My mom said she would drop us off, if that's ok," I tell him. It's about two now.

"Ok." He says. "I'll have to get my stuff together."

"Worry about that later," I say, looking up at him. I want to kiss him. His face looks too sad right now, and some instinct just thinks kissing him will make everything go away. Either he reads my mind or he feels the same way, because he puts one hand on my cheek and bends down to kiss my lips. I hold him close and kiss him back desperately, trying to take away the pain, his and mine. I know it's selfish to think about myself, but I hate that helpless, worthless feeling you get when you can't say or do anything that will help. All I can do now is kiss him blindly and try to lose myself in it.

I guess I did get a little lost in it, because I don't realize his hands are against my bare skin until he's pulling my shirt over his head. 'I thought I wasn't allowed to have sex as a distraction?' I almost say, but realize I don't care. Maybe I do want a distraction, and maybe he does, too, so why not? It'll serve as a good distraction.

He sees it through that we are both undressed rather quickly, and puts me against the wall, still kissing me roughly. He doesn't really bother to be too gentle, and I don't care. If that's what he needs, I'll go with it. I don't mind the pain, anyways. I rap my legs around his waist, and he's inside me before I can even question it. He kisses my neck, running his fingers down my legs. I can feel the frustration in him as I run my hands over his arms and back, and through his hard thrusts. It doesn't take long for me to reach my peak with him being this rough, and I moan loudly. I feel him release the warm liquid into me as he reaches his climax. He keeps going, harder and faster. I'm shaking and sweating, and I don't question him. He rubs against my g-spot repeatedly, my walls starting to close around him again. I force myself to hold in a scream, and moan his name instead as the feeling spreads through my abdomen. My nails dig into his back. He just keeps going. I guess he's taking his anger out on me, but I don't mind. This is a different kind of pain, and it takes your mind off the one that actually hurts, and lets you focus on the one that will give you some sort of satisfaction.

He keeps going, shaking and panting, until he finally reaches another peak. He practically drops me when he finishes, and I almost fall to the floor. My knees feel weak. I start to realize where I am and what just happened. I start to get dressed, picking up my clothes and throwing Andy his. Lizzy could be here any minute. Not to mention my mom, who is in the house probably going through my stuff or something and could have found blades or pregnancy tests by now. Not that I think she would do something like that, but it's still possible.

"I'm sorry, Kayley, I shouldn't have done that," Andy mutters. I can't say he sounds too sorry, though, but I don't care, he shouldn't be.

"Sorry for what, Andy, that was great, don't apologize," I tell him.

"But someone could have walked in, and I didn't use protection, what if--"

"We didn't this morning, either, it's fine, ok? Don't worry about it," I try to dismiss, smoothing out my clothes and hair. "I hope it helped you, though. I hope it was a good enough distraction, or helped you wake up, or get your anger out, or something like that. I hope it helped you accomplish something." I don't know why I said that out loud, but he nods dumbly.

I go in Bailey's stall, and she doesn't shove me like I thought she would. She pokes at my stomach with her nose. I don't get why she's been doing that, she never really used to. I put her on the cross ties in the isle and hand Andy a brush. "She has some time before her lesson gets here, we can play with her a little," I say. I have over an hour, and I'm not going to put a saddle on her, so I have time to try to show Andy some of the commands she knows on the ground. He might not care, but I want to show him anyways. He brushes her like anybody else who has never seen a horse before, being almost too gentle and getting practically no dirt off, but Bailey doesn't mind. I show him how to clean her hooves, which most people hate because some horses look like they'll try to kick when they pick up their foot, but Bailey always does her best to cooperate.

"You're going to do some groundwork with her right now, ok?" I say, attaching a longer lead line to Bailey's halter and give it to Andy.

"Me? Why?" He asks, surprised.

"Because I said so, take her to the ring." Something about working with horses can give people self confidence. Andy's self esteem is pretty good, anyways, but it still helps when people are upset, somehow.

Andy walks out towards the ring, unsure, and Bailey follows. I close the gate behind us, and Andy stops walking, Bailey staying next to him with her ears perked. "This is called a carrot stick," I say, taking the one leaning against the fence. It's pretty much just an orange stick with a long string attached to one end. "It's called a carrot stick because you don't want to bribe your horse into doing everything, but you don't want to beat it into doing anything, either. The goal is to find a happy middle," I explain. "I trained her using parelli natural horsemanship, and some of the first things they learn are called the '7 games.' They're not really games, per say, but you want to try to change things up so the horse doesn't get board. I usually teach the first five the first lesson, and then the last two the next time. The games are called the friendly game, porcupine, driving, yo-yo, circle, sideways, and squeeze. The goal of the friendly game is to desensitize them, so when something happens, they'll be able to handle it better. Hitting the carrot stick against things so it makes noise, swinging the rope over her, anything like that is part of the friendly game." I swing the rope of the carrot stick over Bailey's back and snap it down to the ground, and she stands still, waiting for instructions. I swing the rope over her neck and around her legs, and walk in a circle around her, smacking the ground away from her. She stands still. "Chance thinks of this game as his nap time, he'll close his eyes and fall asleep when he does this," I say. Bailey never takes her eyes off people, though, she is always ready to please. "As long as you are keeping it in mind that you want her to stand still, she'll do it. When you think about wanting the horse to move, she can feel the energy, and she'll use that to figure out where she's supposed to go and how fast. It's like they're reading your mind, if you just think something, your body will start to show it before you even realize it, and they'll listen. I know it sounds weird, but it really does work." I remember trying to teach my sister how to do this when we were younger, and she was looking at me like I was crazy. I hand Andy the stick. "Your turn."

He takes the stick and hesitates before gently throwing the rope over her a few times, and then moves to the other side and does the same thing. Andy glances at me when he decides he gets the point. "Good," I say.

I show him the next four games, and notice my mom walking towards the arena and leaning on the fence to watch. He takes Bailey and tries doing what I had shown him, while I walk away to go talk to her.

I bite my bottom lip, hoping my mom doesn't want to talk, and realize how swollen it feels and how much blood is on it from all the aggressive kissing. I wish I hadn't walked over here, she'll easily be able to tell we just had sex. I watch as Andy sends Bailey into a circle. "Is he ok?" She asks quietly.

"Andy? Yeah, I thought Bailey might be able to keep him distracted," I say.

"Yeah, I want to talk to you before we go, ok?" She says seriously. I look at her, panicking. I don't want to talk about anything with her, especially something she doesn't want to talk about in front of Andy.

"I have a student coming for a lesson in, like, less than five minutes, so after that." Andy stops Bailey and sends her in the other direction. I'm quiet, and when he stops Bailey again, I walk back over to him. "Good, so those are the first five games," I say. "Do you like this at all, or you're just doing it because I told you to?" I ask.

He smiles down at me. "Yeah, it's fun," he says. I'm not sure if he's telling the truth or just saying it to make me happy, but I smile back at him. I hug him, and I'm tempted to kiss him. I'm happy my student comes in the yard so I don't end up giving my mom a make out scene.

"Do you want to go pack? I'll be in there as soon as I'm done," I say as I let go of him. He nods and goes back inside.


	40. Chapter 40

After my lesson, my mom gave me the whole 'safe sex' talk. Yay. Too late, anyways. She was always saying how she wanted grand kids, though, so maybe that'll happen for her. Just a little sooner than she planned, maybe. She said once you go to the next step, it makes the thing before that seem less magical, like the little things like holding hands, they have less value. I tell myself it's not true. I like to savor every second I have with Andy, and I think he does the same. You never know when it'll end, especially when I'm so unsure of everything. So I'll take whatever I can get, wherever we are, and I'll always appreciate it.

I talked to Lizzy when she got here, and she said it wouldn't be a problem to take care of the horses for who knows how long. At least until the end of tour now, and maybe more, if we end up staying at Andy's longer or they make up the shows right away or something.

I pack my bag in my room, Andy sitting on the bed watching me, and my mom in the kitchen. I look for the bag with the protection, and I guess he notices. "I got it," he says. "Did you try one of those tests yet?" He asks blankly.

I shake my head. "I was gonna wait. I'm not sure I really want to know, anyways."

He nods, not looking at me. "I'm really sorry, Kayley--"

"Would you stop? It's not your fault," I try to tell him, but I know he won't believe me.

I turn my attention back to packing, opening a drawer and moving some stuff, and my eyes fall on the blade I was hiding in there. I look back at Andy, who is still looking down, holding the blade in my fist tight enough to feel the sharp edge breaking skin. "Andy?"

"Hm?"

"Do you have any cigarettes? Like, in case you really need one?" I ask.

He shakes his head. "If I did that, I'd be using them."

I look back at the blade. What if something happens, and I really need it? What if Bailey colics again, then what else can I do? Does it even matter?

I blink. _No, I don't need it_ , I tell myself. If Andy can quit smoking, I can quit cutting. They probably wouldn't let it on the plane, anyways. I throw it back in the drawer and grab what I needed from it, ignoring the little bit of blood on my hand. "I'm gonna go grab my wallet," I say, walking out of the room.

"Almost ready?" My mom asks when she sees me.

"Yeah, I think I got everything," I say, grabbing my wallet from the counter. I open it to put the money from today's lessons in it, and my eyes widen. "Did you do this?" I ask, surprised.

"Do what?" She says, looking at me.

"Put money in here?" I go through it, counting.

"No, do you want money?" She asks, confused.

I shake my head and walk quickly back to my room. "Why did you put so much money in my wallet?" I demand, not caring how sensitive Andy is right now.

He looks at me, and he looks pretty shocked I would talk to him like this. "I said I would pay Lizzy for watching the horses for you--" he starts, sounding almost scared.

"This is way more than what I gave her, though!" I say, taking out the money and trying to hand it back to him, but he won't take it.

"You never told me how much you gave her, so I just--"

"Take this back," I demand, shoving it in his face. "You've spent enough money on me already, you don't need to give me any more."

He persists, and I finally give up. "Fine, lets go, then," I agree when the clock says six, and I throw it in my bag.

\-----

We pull up in the drop off section of the airport, where my mom stops the car and gets out to hug us goodbye, despite all the other cars trying to get by. "Are you sure you're ok?" She whispers as I let go of her.

"I'm fine, ma." She has every right to worry about me getting on a plane to Hollywood, California with someone I guess I've given her a reason to be a little unsure about. When she found out my older brother had gotten back together with his ex girlfriend, she was pissed. They broke up for good a couple weeks later, though. I want to tell her not to worry so much, but I know it won't do anything, she'll always worry.

She gives me a sad smile and says "good luck" before we walk away.

We go through all the searches, which mess with my nerves before I'm even near the plane, and find the gate and wait. Andy got stopped by a few fans, and he put on a fake smile for them. They don't care that we might miss our plane, that something is going on, that we're both pretty nervous. It doesn't matter to them, and he just has to go with it because his career depends on those people. I can see the anxiety on Andy's face, despite his attempts to hide it. "I won't freak out this time," I say, mostly to myself, taking his hand when we sit down. I don't want to give him another thing to worry about.

"Don't worry about it, Kayley," he tells me. We sit there quietly, watching people going by in a rush, letting the anxiety build as the time goes by slowly.

They call our flight, and my hand locks on Andy's. "Here we go again," he mutters, and I want to glare at him, but I can't move. I know it's just his nerves talking, but I know I can't expect him to deal with my shit forever. And that thought isn't going to help me get on this plane. He drags me up out of my seat and I walk over to the line numbly. They check our tickets, and we walk through the gate to the plane. As much as my head is spinning, I manage to keep myself walking. I can vaguely hear some kids in the seats behind us yelling "wee!" as we take off. Some six year olds are having fun as I'm dying from anxiety. I guess I'm doing better than last time, though.

"I put up that picture of us on Chance your mom took," Andy says when he decides I calmed down enough.

"Why'd you do that?" I say, not so angry, probably just because we're thousands of feet in the air.

He shrugs. "People wanted to see more of us, and it was cute."

"You read the comments?" I ask, surprised. "I thought I wasn't allowed to."

"I never said you aren't allowed to, I said it doesn't matter what people think. And I only read a few," he answers. I want to ask what they said, but I know he won't tell me. So I don't say anything else.


	41. Chapter 41

Andy's parents picked us up at the airport. I guess I was ok when the plane landed. By that, I mean I walked out on my own, I wasn't really much better than when I got on. His parents seemed nice enough. To my face, at least. I'm sure they're really thinking I'm just here for the sex and the money, but I try not to let myself think like that.

They dropped us off at Andy's house, where we just threw our stuff inside and he drove us to the hospital. I don't know how to comfort him. All I can do is be there with him. I don't even know what's wrong with her. I feel terrible. I feel useless. Andy helped me through so much in less than a month, and now he needs me, and I don't know what to do. I try to think about how he helped me. He was really just there for me, willing to listen and do whatever I say, and as small as that seems, it helps. So I guess that's all I can really offer him right now, too.

We stayed at Andy's house. He didn't want to do anything, and I shouldn't be trusted to cook, but I didn't want to let him starve himself. I ordered stuff as much as possible so I wouldn't end up looking for knives, but of course I found them. I might have cut myself, but his mouth tasted like ash one night, and I don't blame him, but I tell myself it was ok if I gave in, too. They said his grandma was ok two days later, so we went back and did the 29th-31st shows. The tour was supposed to bring them back towards LA, so we're back at Andy's house. Their manager wasn't very happy with Andy for taking so much time off, so we are making those shows up starting the second, which is tomorrow. We're leaving on the bus this afternoon.

I promised myself I would try at least one of those pregnancy tests before we went back for the makeup shows. Andy was about to throw that plastic bag in with his stuff to bring, but I take it. "Do you want to know? 'Cause I don't," I say, taking one of the tests and giving the bag back to him.

He hugs me quickly, than looks me in the eye. I force myself to meet his gaze. "Whatever happens, Kayley, I promise I'll be here for you, ok? We'll get through this together," he tells me sternly.

I nod, and walk to the bathroom. My hands are shaking. I know what it's going to say, but as much as I know it, I can't help hoping it's not true. I look at the results, my heart pounding. It doesn't register with me right away. I throw it in the garbage and wash my hands. It doesn't really hit me until I reach for the door and think _I guess I have to tell Andy I'm pregnant_. I fall to the cold, white bathroom floor and curl up in a ball, hugging my stomach. Inside me right now is another living thing that I'm going to be responsible for. The idea almost makes me want to puke. I let Amber die, and let Bailey go through hell by herself. How could I be responsible for a child?

I sit up, trying to tell myself it'll be ok, everything will work out, there's nothing I can do to change this now, but I can't calm myself down. The suicidal thoughts are still there. I don't want to have to deal with this.

I dismantle a shaving razor and hold the blade to my wrist. I try again to tell myself things will work themselves out, but I can't help myself now. I drag the edge across my skin harshly, drawing blood, and watch it drip slowly down my arm. I know it wasn't a good idea, but I don't care.

I don't know how long I was sitting on the floor when I hear Andy say gently on the other side of the door "how's it going, Kayley?"

"One sec," I say, scrambling to clean the blood off my wrist. I realize I hadn't cried. I don't know why. I just sort of skipped over the crying part and went right to the cutting.

"Are you ok?" He asks.

"Just give me a minute, ok?" I say anxiously. I don't know how to get the shaving thing back together, I don't think it was supposed to come apart. I hope it wasn't important enough he'll notice it's missing.

"I'm coming in," he says.

"I'm in a bathroom, Andy, can you give me some privacy?!" I yell, wrapping the 'garbage' in tissues and shoving it in my pocket. He didn't actually open the door, fortunately. I fling the door open, and my anger fades when I remember what just happened. "I'm pregnant, Andy," I whisper hoarsely, collapsing into his arms.

"It's ok, baby, everything will be ok," he coos, rubbing my back. I close my eyes and take in as much of him as I can. He's going to leave me now. He's going to hate me. He doesn't want kids, he said so himself. He'll leave me to deal with this on my own. "Stop thinking that crap," he says, pushing me back and holding my shoulders. "I know what you're thinking, Kayley, and it's not true. I'm not leaving you, and I don't know how you want me to prove that to you." He can read my mind, and it's kind of scary. "You have to learn to deal with your problems without cutting, so lets start with this one. Where'd you cut yourself, first of all?"

"I didn't," I try to lie.

He grabs my sleeve and pulls it up, despite my weak protests. "Come on, let's put some Neosporin on this," he says, pulling me back into the bathroom and taking it out of a drawer.

"It's fine, Andy," I whine. I've cut myself worse than that plenty of times, but he ignores me and puts a band-aid on it. "It's fine, you know," I say again as he puts the stuff away.

"Where's the razor blade, now?" He asks, looking back at me.

"It doesn't matter," I say blankly. He opens some drawers and looks around for it, and I don't make an effort to help him find it. He hugs me around the waist and kisses my lips, surprising me, but I don't fight it. I put my arms around his neck and kiss him back.

He pulls back, holding up what was in my pocket. "Bitch," I mutter, glaring at him. He knew where it would be and how to distract me to get to it. It pisses me off that he knows me like that, where I can't hide anything.

"Now how do you think you should deal with this problem instead?" He asks, looking at me.

"You're not my therapist, Andy. Don't act like you didn't have a cigarette the other day," I say angrily. I want to take back what he just took from me. "I can deal with this myself."

He raises an eyebrow at me. "Are you sure? Because I don't think bleeding is going to be a very healthy thing for you or the baby." He completely ignores my smoking comment.

"Shut the fuck up, Andy, cutting isn't going to hurt anyone but myself. My wrists are pretty far away from my stomach, I don't think it matters," I say. He's probably trying to piss me off right now, it's all on purpose.

"You know that's not true, Kayley, you know you're hurting me when you do this." He holds up the blade again. "And I think blood is kind of important for the baby, too," he adds.

"Stop talking about the damn baby! I didn't want it, and neither did you, I just want to pretend it's not real," I pout.

"Pushing your problems away doesn't make them disappear," he says calmly.

"I don't give a shit, Andy!" I try to grab the tissues he took from my pocket, but he doesn't let me. "Fine, be that way, ass hole, I'm leaving." I push past him, I guess I'm headed for the door, but he grabs my arm and picks me up. "Put me down!" I protest.

He throws me down on the bed, and I can't help the fear rising up in me as he holds me down with his body. "I'm sorry I had a cigarette, Kayley," he says more gently now, his lips by my ear. "I know it's hard for you not to turn back to this. But you know what this is like for me, too, to know someone would rather be dead than deal with their problems," he continues. "You know I just want to make sure you aren't going anywhere, that you won't leave me."

"Don't make me think about that," I try to interrupt him, but he keeps going.

"I want you to give me what Amber never gave you. I want you to be able to let me believe that you're ok. I want it to be true, and not just empty words."

"I am ok, Andy, I can deal with this on my own. I never wanted you to know about this, anyways." He looks into my eyes, waiting for me to tell him something that will actually make him feel better. And I want to, but I know there's not much I can say that's true. "I'm sorry," I say eventually. What happened to the whole 'I'm not making you quit' thing?

"Remember when we said I would tell you when I smoke, and you would tell me when you cut?" He asks.

"Not when, how many times a day," I correct him.

"Yeah," he agrees. "Can we actually do that?" He looks at me expectantly.

"I don't think you realize how hard that is for me to tell you that shit," I say. He just keeps looking back at me, waiting to get the answer he wants. I sigh. I already agreed that I would. "Alright," I give in. "But you know I'm not just going to tell you because I want to, you're gonna have to remind me," I admit. It's not like I'm just going to be like 'hey, Andy, I cut myself!'

He kisses my nose and rolls off of me. "Thank you," he whispers. I look at the wad of tissues he had dropped on the bed. He picks it up and gets up. "I'm not giving this back to you, though." I glare at him. "You cut yourself with anything, I'm sure you can find something else if you have to. What, did you think I was going to give it back?" He says, before walking out of the room, probably to burn it or something.

I guess I don't blame him. I know what it's like, like he said. I took Amber's blades, too. She never said anything about it, though, just got more. And why would he give it back, anyways, I'm just going to hurt myself again.

I slam my fists on the bed in frustration. What am I supposed to do with a fucking baby? Don't they take up, like, your whole life, especially when they're really little? They can't eat on their own, they cry about everything, they shit their pants, they can't even sit up on their own.

Andy comes back into the room and lays back down next to me. "When are we leaving?" I ask, not really caring.

"Whenever John decides to show up," he answers, not too fondly. The band got it, they didn't complain about all the shows being cancelled, but John was pretty pissed. Maybe it has something to do with all the planning, but still, he could show a little more sympathy. For Andy, at least, I don't want his pity. He didn't seem too mad when we left, but I guess he didn't expect us to take so long. And than when he had to go home and take more time off, well, that didn't help either. "You can't be so negative all the time. This could be a good thing, you know," he says, looking up at the ceiling.

"Yeah, right," I deny it. "How is a screaming little kid a good thing, Andy? How do I know you're going to want to put up with this? You can leave, and never have to deal with either of us again, and I'll be stuck with this on my own." I keep telling him the same things, and he keeps telling me to stop, but I can't get that fear out of my head. "We've only known each other for, like, a month," I remind him. How can I believe he wants to stay with me to raise a kid? Or even until it's born? I'll be a moody bitch until than, and probably won't even realize it.

"You don't believe in love at first sight?" He puts his arms around me and kisses my temple. "I'm not leaving you, I promise." He's said it so many times. Promises aren't just empty words to me. Breaking a promise is like the end of the world for me. "This baby is going to be a product of us, it's going to be beautiful, Kayley. We're starting a family together, and everything is going to be ok."

I look into his eyes, which usually look like they're begging me to believe him when we talk about this, but now they just look...confident. Like he believes himself, and me. He has faith in his own words, and that gives me confidence in them, too. I curl up in his arms. "Thank you, Andy. I love you."

"I love you, too," he whispers back, running his hands gently over my body.


	42. Chapter 42

The tour went by slowly, but it went by. I went back home, and Andy came, despite me trying to tell him he didn't have to. They have a month off before their UK tour, which I am not looking forward to. I'm not sure I want to go. I hate leaving home.

Andy and I are keeping up on our deal. I try not to cut because I don't want to lie to him, but every once in a while, I can't help it. He pretends it doesn't bother him, but I know it does. He's doing well with the whole not smoking thing.

I try not to think about being pregnant. It hasn't really bothered me much. Andy says I should go to a doctor, to make sure everything is going ok. Of course I don't want to, but I think he plans on dragging me to one soon, anyways. He's going to have to carry me there, there's no way I'm going to willingly go to a doctor who probably wants to see me naked.

Bailey is doing a lot better now. I still don't really want her running around too much if I can help it, just to be safe. I don't want her to end up getting worse, but she is happy to be allowed out of her stall now. I've been riding her around, too. I don't know if I'm really allowed to ride while I'm pregnant, but I know I won't fall off. Bailey knows I'm pregnant. I think she knew before I did. I still plan on teaching Andy the rest of the seven games, but haven't gotten around to it yet. We've only been back for a few days.

I'm laying curled up in his arms in my bed. "Did you cut today?" He whispers into my hair.

"You first," I say. It always goes the same way.

"None," he admits.

"None," I repeat, and he kisses my head. I can feel him relax whenever I say that.

We lay there quietly. I wait for him to make the next move, but he doesn't. I look up at him. "Did you tell your family yet? Or anybody?" He asks.

"Tell them what?" I ask stupidly.

"That you're pregnant," he states.

"Did you?"

"No."

"Then why would you think I did?"

"I don't know, I was just curious," he says.

"This is your problem, too, Andy," I remind him. I know it's a bigger problem for me, but I don't want to admit it.

"I know, I was just wondering. It's probably better to tell them sooner than later," he says.

"Yeah, if my mom hadn't just given me the 'safe sex' talk before she dropped us off for LA," I mutter.

"Well I don't think you'll be able to keep this one a secret, Kayley. You're going to have to say something eventually."

"I know, Andy, I just want to wait, ok? I want to figure things out myself before I tell them anything," I say. "And I don't want you to tell them, either," I add, a little more harshly.

"I know, I'm sorry I brought it up," he says. I don't answer. I don't want to think about it. He rubs my back, waiting for me to give him an ok, but he killed my mood, and I'm not sure I really want to now. I make him wait a minute, but I eventually give in, pulling his pants undone.

\-----

"You get another lesson today, after Bailey finishes eating her breakfast," I tell Andy.

"We're going out, as soon as you're ready," he says.

I look at him, surprised. "Where are we going?" I ask, curious.

"It's a secret." He smiles at me. Something about his smile is different, though, and it scares me.

"Where are we going?" I ask again, more nervous now.

"Don't worry, you'll be fine. Just finish whatever you have to do and than we'll go, ok?" He says, trying to calm me down. I want to trust him, that everything is ok, but for some reason, I just have a doubt in my head, that this is something I wouldn't agree to.

\-----

"Are you sure you know where we're going?" I ask as Andy pulls out of my driveway. He said he was going to drive.

"I looked up the directions before, and it seemed easy enough. If not, I have the GPS on my phone. We're fine, don't worry, ok?"

"It would be easier not to worry if you told me where we were going," I mumble, but he pretends he didn't hear me.

We're quiet most of the way there, all the possibilities, good and bad, running through my head, making me more and more anxious. It feels like forever has gone by when he finally says "ok, we're here," pulling into a parking lot.

I freeze up. It's a doctor's office. "I fucking told you I wasn't going to a fucking doctor!" I yell at him, grabbing for the keys when he takes them out of the ignition, but he doesn't let me. "Bitch!" I yell as he gets out of the car and slams the door closed behind him. I get up to run to who knows where, but he grabs my arm. "Let go of me, I'm not going in there!"

"I promise, it'll be alright, you just need to take a deep breath and calm down, ok?" He tries to tell me, but I'm still struggling in his grip. He pins me against my truck. I think I start crying. "Kayley, look at me," he says, holding my face gently with one hand so I can see his face. "Take a deep breath." I stare at him blankly as he breathes, trying to demonstrate, I guess. I take a deep breath. And another. And another. "Ok, I made a doctors appointment for you," he admits calmly. I start to breathe faster again, but he reminds me to take another deep breath. "They're just going to check to make sure everything is going ok with the baby, ok? Everything will be fine. I'll be there with you the whole time, I promise."

I stare at him numbly. "I told you I didn't want to come here," I state.

"I know, and I'm sorry, but--"

"You're sorry? No, if you were 'sorry' I wouldn't be here right now, Andy," I interrupt, but he ignores me.

"--But what if there is a problem with the baby? What if something goes horribly wrong, and we don't know about it, and it ends up dying? Or killing you, Kayley? I don't want to risk losing you over something as little as seeing a doctor." I glare at him. He doesn't realize how much of a big deal this is for me. "Come on, let's go. If anything hurts, we don't have to come back, ok?" He says, taking my hand, and drags me into the office. This is going to hurt me emotionally, not physically, and I know that. Nothing hurts bad enough physically to scare me, that's not what I'm worried about, and he knows it. Bitch.

Andy walks me over to the desk and does all the talking for me, because he knows I won't. I'm supposed to fill something out. "I'm not filling out shit, Andy," I argue.

He takes the clipboard and walks us over to some chairs. "I know," he mumbles, and fills it out for me, asking me a question every once in a while. He brings it back up to the desk, and I think about getting up and leaving, but decide not to. A woman comes out and calls my name almost as soon as Andy sits back down. I make no effort to move until Andy takes my hand and drags me up. I groan, but follow him, my heart racing.

The room has what I guess is the doctor's chair and one extra, plus the one I guess is supposed to be mine. It's a big green chair with no armrests, tilted back at a 45 degree angle. "You can take a seat," the woman says. "Do you want your boyfriend to stay in the waiting room?" She asks.

"Can I wait out there instead?" I ask. She laughs, but I don't. I meant it. I don't want to be here. I don't sit, I just stand in the doorway. She types some stuff on the keyboard. "The doctor will be in in a minute, you can sit in here until he comes," she says politely, and Andy pulls me out of the doorway so she can get by and close the door.

"I'm not sitting on that," I say stubbornly.

"It's not that hard," Andy jokes, picking me up and putting me down in it. I don't lean back.

I glare at him. "She said the doctor is a he, Andy, you're ok with another guy checking me out?" I challenge.

"Would you calm down, Kayley? It'll be fine." He holds my hand. He can probably feel how fast my heart is beating.

"What am I supposed to say when he asks about the scars?" I ask. He doesn't get to answer. The door opens and a man in a white coat walks in. I hold my breath and grip Andy's hand instinctively.

"Hello, how are you?" The man ask brightly. He asks me shit about my health and any family health history. I haven't been to a doctor in years, so of course he recommends doing that and some vaccinations I should get. I pretend to care. He's probably going to do most of that whole yearly check up routine now, anyways. He walks over to the side of the chair, Andy still on the other side, holding my hand. I'm sure the doctor notices my violent shaking. "Why don't you lay down, make yourself comfortable, sweetheart," the doctor says, touching my shoulder, and I flinch. "Nothing is going to hurt you, I promise. I just want to do a little check up, ok?"

Andy puts his free hand on my other shoulder and pushes me back against the chair. "I'm right here, Kayley," he coos, holding my shoulder down and rubbing my hand with his thumb.

I feel the doctor's cold hands pulling up at the base of my shirt, and I push him away quickly with my free hand. Andy takes my other hand. I look at him with wide eyes, breathing fast. "Nothing is going to hurt you, I promise," the doctor says. They all say the same things, and they never mean it. They don't care, they just violate you in any way they can and send you off to deal with the trauma on your own. He tries to pull my shirt up again, but I tuck my elbows tight against my sides so he can't. "The better you cooperate, the sooner this will be over, honey," the doctor says bitterly.

"Andy," I whine at him. "I'm scared."

"There's nothing to be afraid of," the doctor says. The worst thing someone can say.

Andy ignores him. "I know, Kayley, I'm right here. I promise we'll be out of here soon if you just relax." I stare up at him, desperate for an escape, but he doesn't give me one.

I feel the doctor's hands once again, and I squeal. "I'll go get a nurse," he grumbles, frustrated, and walks out the door.

I try to jump up when I see the open door, but Andy holds me down. "I have to get out of here, Andy!" I protest, wriggling in his grip.

The doctor comes back with the nurse who had led us in here. She stands behind the chair and holds my arms away from my side, ignoring Andy. "Doctor, I know you're a professional, but I don't think this is going to make things better," Andy tries to say, still holding my hand as I whimper in my seat.

"I'll be quick, I promise," he says, pulling up my shirt and bra as I yell insults at him and try to kick at him.

Andy looks down at me helplessly as I feel the cold hands, and then he fidgets with the button on my pants, but I refuse to sit still. Andy doesn't try to tell me otherwise. I can see the doctor getting even more frustrated as I hurl my knees at him. He opens the door again and yells. I feel another person grab my ankles. "Andy!" I cry out desperately as I feel the doctor's cold hands between my legs.

And then they're gone. I open my eyes to look down at myself, still whimpering. The doctor hadn't even bothered to fix my clothes. He's taking things out of drawers. I look at Andy, who takes a break from glaring at the doctor to look down at me sadly and whisper "I'm so sorry, baby."

The doctor turns around to face us again, holding equipment, and looks like he is ready to get revenge on me in any way he can. Andy stands next to me protectively. "We're just going to do an ultrasound now, ok?" He asks sarcastically. I look away and squeeze my eyes shut. I feel him rubbing some sort of cold gel shit on my stomach, and I whimper. "I don't see what's so hard about this, it's not like it's hurting you or anything," he's mumbling. "Obviously you've done worse than this to yourself already," he continues.

My eyes snap open. I pull my left hand free and punch him. "Would you back the fuck off, bitch?!" I yell. Everyone just looks at me, stunned. My jaw drops, too. I didn't mean to do that. I pissed him off big time now. I can see it in him that he wants to go back at me, but I watch as he thinks it over. I would beat his ass if he did.

He takes a breath and calms himself down before telling the nurse to hold me better and continues what he was doing. I feel bad about what I did, but I don't regret it, and I can see the twinkle of pride in Andy's eye that he is trying to hide, I guess he's proud I have the guts to fight for myself when I have to.

I guess that event calmed me down for some reason. Maybe just knowing Andy is proud of me for it, or that this guy won't mess with me anymore, I don't know. But he shows us the ultrasound and tells us everything is going well so far.

He finally gives the nurses the ok to let go of me, and I scramble to fix the clothes he had left undone, probably trying to make me as uncomfortable as possible, and me, Andy, and the first nurse are left in the room. Andy hugs me. "I'm so sorry I put you through that, Kayley, I'm so sorry," he's babbling, and I let him. That probably hurt him to watch just as much as it hurt me.

"You did good, kid, I wish I had the guts to do that," the nurse says. I glare at her, but I don't blame her, really. She did slip up so I could punch him.

Andy picks me up. "I'll carry you out," he mumbles. It's not necessary, but I don't protest. He's going to be eaten alive by guilt.


	43. Chapter 43

"I'm so sorry, Kayley," Andy is mumbling apologies to me as he gets back in the car and pulls out of the parking lot. He carried me out the door, and went back inside. "I didn't mean to put you through that. I thought I was helping, but...I'm so sorry."

"When are you making me come back?" I say, staring ahead blankly. He sighs. "Don't lie."

"I told them that doctor was a piece of shit, and they said the other doctor is better. I didn't make another appointment because I don't know where we're going to be in a month, but we never have to use that guy again, ok? You're probably never getting in a car with me again, though. I'm so sorry, they said he was going to be ok, I just wanted to make sure everything was going ok, and I put you through that. I'm so sorry, Kayley."

He keeps babbling until we pull into my driveway, and I get tired of it. "Andy, it's not your fault, you just care about me more than I do. This thing could have killed me, and I would have had no idea. I trust you to do whatever you think is best for me. In the moment, I might have hated it, but I know now I was overreacting. I'll still probably do it again because I just can't help it, but I know how irrational everything is that I do, I just can't help it. I don't know why you put up with it."

"Because I love you, Kayley. I just hope you don't hate me after that," he says, still in his helpless little voice.

"I just said I trust you, Andy. I still love you, nothing will change that, ok?" That's the reason I'm so scared of us. No matter what he does, how badly he betrays me, I'll always love him. I take my keys from him and get out of the car. "C'mon, I have to show you the rest of the games." I don't care what we talk about, but anything other than that. I want to pretend none of that ever happened, and I want Andy to stop feeling so guilty for taking me there. I know I had to go, I just never would have done it myself. And I'm happy they made attempts not to let me hurt anyone, even if it meant stressing me out even more. I wasn't thinking then, and I would have felt guilty for it later. Well, maybe. I don't feel bad, yet, after he made that comment about me cutting...

We walk into the back yard, where Bailey neighs when she sees us. I hand Andy the halter at the gate. He's seen me catch the horses plenty of times, he can figure it out. He leads Bailey into the ring.

"The next game is the sideways game, which teaches a horse to step underneath itself to move sideways." I take the lead line and move Bailey so she is facing the fence. "It's easier to teach them against a fence so they can't move forward." She'll move sideways without the fence, but it's easier for her to understand someone who doesn't really know what they're doing this way. I point past her with the hand holding the lead and hold up the stick in the other hand, and she moves sideways and I walk with her. "The goal is to keep her perpendicular to the fence. If she starts to get crooked, you can send away whatever part of her has to keep up." Andy takes the stick and lead and sends her back to the other end of the ring.

"Good. The last game is called the squeeze game. Horses don't naturally like to put themselves in tight spaces, so this is supposed to desensitize them to that. Things like loading onto a trailer or jumping a fence between two standards can be considered a 'squeeze.' So for this game, I am going to 'squeeze' her between me and the fence, and as the horse gets used to it, I can make that space smaller. It's like the circle game, but you stop them before they finish the circle," I say, sending Bailey between me and the fence as if she would go around me in a circle, but stop her when she gets to the other side of me and send her back through the other way. I hand her back to Andy, who copies me. "Ok, good. You want to ride now?"

"Are you going to come with me?" He asks.

"You have to learn to ride, too, you know," I tell him, although I do want to ride with him.

"Why?" He whines.

"So you can ride when I'm not allowed to anymore! I can only ride for, like, the first six months of my pregnancy, Andy. And then I'll be busy with this thing for a while after it's out of me, too," I say, patting my stomach innocently. I looked up how long I'm technically allowed to ride while I'm pregnant, not that I planned on listening if it told me I couldn't at all.

I position Bailey next to the fence so Andy can get on and take the lead line off once he's on. "Don't people usually have a saddle and reins or something when they ride?" He says.

"They don't know how to ride," I say. "A rider shouldn't have to depend on their hands to ride. This is called 'liberty,' when a rider doesn't use tack. I trained her in a halter, but it should only be used until the horse gets the commands. Liberty is just the refining of the commands until the horse understands the cues without the equipment. She responds to voice and leg commands, she doesn't need all that other crap people use, and those horses don't need it either." I pause for a second, realizing how easily I'll go on a rant about these things, but continue anyways. "Maybe I should start training horses again, if I can't get boarders. Before I got Bailey, I didn't really have my own horse because Angel was pretty much Amber's, so I would train horses. People would give me their 'crazy, untrainable' horses, and pick them up at the end of the month, and they were the quietest, easiest horses to handle. I could have them doing this in an hour if I wanted to. Ok, enough of that rant. So the horse can feel when you move any part of your body, they can tell how relaxed you are, anything. So to ask the horse to walk, you squeeze your legs, relax your seat, and say the word 'walk.'" Andy sends her off, keeping his hands on Bailey to steady himself. "To steer, you push her in the direction you want to go. To send her to the left, you squeeze with your right leg, and to send her to the right, you squeeze with your left leg. Everything works the same as it does on the ground. You want to use minimum amount of pressure, and get stronger until they listen, so eventually they'll listen when you first ask them. To stop the horse, you brace yourself against her movement and say 'whoa.' Backing up is something different trainers will say different things about, but when she's being ridden like this, she goes off the word 'back' and you put your feet forward and tap, like the driving game."

I let Andy wander around a little bit, trying everything out on his own before I get on Bailey in front of him and we trot a little. "Why do you put your students in a saddle if you taught her like this?" Andy asks.

"When they're really little, I don't think it's too easy for her to feel them asking her to do anything, so I give them the reins on the halter to steer with, and she'll go on voice command. The saddle gives them more stability, and then I like to do some liberty lessons with them, too, but shows generally require tack, so if I ever take them to shows, they have to use it. If they prefer the bareback lessons, I'll do that, if they prefer the saddle, I'll use that. They're the ones paying me, I want to make them happy, too." We ride around the ring, Andy's arms wrapped around me, and my arms over his. I close my eyes and take in the feeling.

\-----

That guy called me back about boarding here. He wants to move his horse on the first, which is tomorrow. I get to pick it up, lucky me. I still haven't decided if I want to go on the tour with them in Europe, which I would have to leave for in a week. I would hate to leave again, but I will miss Andy to death. He wants to go back home, first, too, so less than a week if I'm going with him.

Andy and I are moving the hay bales out of the stalls and putting them in the loft. I have a pulley thing to bring the bales up through the window, one at a time...so it's a lot easier with two people. It's easier to just keep them down stairs in the extra stalls, but I'm only going to have one empty now, and I'm going to need to get hay more often. Great. It might end up being easier to just get it delivered, but I'm going to pick some up on the way to get the horse. I won't be able to fit as much in the trailer with a horse in there, but it's on the way so I might as well. I'm probably going to be stuffing my truck, too.

"Am I coming with you tomorrow?" Andy asks from downstairs.

"You don't have to if you don't want to, I'm just going to sit in a car for hours. It's not very exciting," I call back.

"Well it's not like I'm doing anything."

"You can stay here with the horses."

"Isn't Lizzy taking care of them for you?" He asks.

"Yeah, but she'll probably just do her chores and leave. Bailey could still colic again." Horses who colic once will often do it again, especially during the first few months after a surgery. If they end up needing a second surgery, they generally don't survive that much longer.

"I don't know what to do if that happens. I don't know how to tell if she's colicing."

"Horses make it pretty obvious when it gets bad, she's pretty good at pretending she's ok, though," I say. I know when something is up with her, but someone else could miss it.

"Are you coming on tour with us?" He asks, changing the subject.

I think for a second. "Probably not," I admit quietly. "I don't want to leave her. And I don't know how this new horse is going to be, and I don't want this guy to think I'm never here with his horse like I said I would be."

Andy doesn't answer. I'm sure he didn't expect me to come, but he was probably hoping I would anyways. "Is it possible to bring her with us?" He asks innocently.

I almost laugh. "I'm not putting her through that stress," I say. Yeah, it's possible, I could fly her to Europe, and they make trailers like campers with stalls in them, but I don't want to put her through that. Stress can cause a whole bunch of shit, including colic.

We're quiet for a while before he asks again "so do you want me to come with you tomorrow?"

"Do you want to? It doesn't matter, it's not that exciting."

"Yeah, I guess I'll come," he says.

He doesn't trust me to be able to sit in a car for that long. "I'll be ok by myself if you don't want to."

"It's not that, Kayley, I just want to come with you, ok? If you think you can, I trust you. It's not like I'm doing anything while I'm here and you're out in wherever this place is." Whatever, if he wants to come, he can, I don't care, I'll enjoy the company, I guess.


	44. Chapter 44

Andy and I came back around six. I have another horse now. Well, it's not technically mine, but it's another horse I get to see every day. Joe was pretty happy to see Woody again. Woody hadn't seemed too happy about the long trailer ride, but he was well behaved, which is good. Both the horses already here aren't very aggressive, and neither is this horse, so they got along well enough.

Being in a car that long gives you time to think and talk about things. So Andy ended up convincing me to tell my family that I'm pregnant. If we can do it before he leaves, I want to invite my family over to tell them, but if not, I'm going to wait for him to get back. I don't want to be alone when I tell them, because I'm sure my parents will be pissed. We talked about baby names and all that kind of shit that I don't want to think about.

So I'm trying for tomorrow. It took me some more convincing, but I called my sister first, who said she could come, and then my brother, who said yes but I should have let him know sooner, and his girlfriend is coming, and my mom said yes without questioning. She said she would bring my dad, too, but she is probably going to have to drag him along because he hardly ever wants to leave the house.

"I didn't think that was going to be so easy. I thought they wouldn't all be able to come the same day," I say. My hands are shaking already, just thinking about telling them.

Andy puts his arms around me. "Everything is going to be ok," he whispers.

"My parents are going to kill me, Andy," I mutter against his chest.

"It was our choice, not theirs. They'll be happy for you."

"You barely know them. They're way too protective, they'll be pissed."

He holds me out in front of him. "Stop worrying about this, it'll be ok," he says. "Let's go get ready for bed, ok?"

\-----

The dreams are slowly coming back again. Not as much as they used to, but at least once every other night. It probably has to do with the baby because, well, that's what they're mostly about, or cutting, because I guess I miss it. But they don't help when I'm trying not to cut. "I want this fucking thing out of me!" I yell when Andy wakes me up. It hasn't even been, like, two months yet and I'm sick of this.

"I know," he whispers, hugging me.

"I have to get up," I mumble, wishing I could stay in his arms, but I feel like I'm going to puke.

It's barely seven, but I guess I'm up now, so I get dressed. "What do you want for breakfast?" Andy asks.

"I'm not hungry," I say, and go to walk out the back door, but he catches my arm.

"You have to eat something, Kayley, you've barely eaten anything since we got back from tour." It's true. I don't like to eat when I'm anxious because it makes me want to puke, and the whole baby thing isn't helping my anxiety.

"I'm fine, I'll eat later," I say, and walk out the door with Andy following me to the barn. I have to eat when my family is here or they'll realize how messed up I am. Hopefully they won't be here for long, though, I invited them for six so they'll leave soon after.

I turn the horses out, give them their breakfast and fresh water, and clean the stalls. "Do you have any lessons today?" Andy asks.

"One at four," I answer. "I'm probably just going to take them on a trail ride so they don't feel like they're missing something if we just do walk trot." I'm still a little cautious about using Bailey for my lessons, I'm trying not to work her too hard, although the wound from the surgery is pretty much healed by now. "I don't know when that guy is coming to see his horse today, but I asked Lizzy if she could come later so I could use Chance, and I want her to know about this, too," I say, patting my stomach. "Do you want to ride today?" I ask.

"I'll ride if you come with me," he says.

"How 'bout we go on a trail ride together? You can ride Bailey and I'll ride Chance."

"Can we ride together?"

"You have to learn to ride, too. That's what we're doing today, when they finish their breakfast, ok?" I say.

"Only if you come inside and eat breakfast, too. I'm hungry," he says.

"I don't feel like throwing up again, I'm fine. You can go eat something, though."

"How about we go get ice cream or something?"

I said I was going to give up on trying to be vegan and just go back to vegetarian for the tour, and then when I got pregnant, too, but I still try not to eat milk or eggs or anything like that whenever I can. Although I do get the dairy cravings, and Andy plays on that. "I'm making brownies for later, I have ice cream for that. I don't need more."

"Well you have to eat something, Kayley," he says, dragging me back towards the house.

I eat a little to make him happy. He says I should take vitamins, but that's a bit of a stretch for me. I haven't taken them since high school, and I'm ok with that. He's lucky I ate at all.

"So did you change your mind about coming on tour?" Andy asks.

"I can't, Andy," I say regretfully. "When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow or the day after, probably. I still have to get the plane ticket," he says. "I'm going to miss you," he adds.

"Don't make me feel any worse about this than I do already," I tell him. I'm going to miss him to death and he knows it.

\-----

I was going to make dinner, but then decided it would be easier to just go out to eat instead. I didn't feel like cooking. No one in my family eats the same things, anyways. So my family and Lizzy are on their way back to my house. It probably would have been a good idea to tell them in the restaurant so they couldn't kill me, but I chickened out. My dad, and probably everyone else, would have rather just went right back home, but 'I' told them they weren't allowed to. It was more like Andy told them because I would have rather just let them leave, but I guess that would have defeated the purpose.

We're all standing in the barn because, well, my house is small. Everyone is staring at me. Andy has one arm around my waist, trying to comfort me. "So, um...Andy and I have some news..." I say nervously. My hands are shaking, and I'm dreading this. "I'm pregnant," I say in a smaller voice and brace myself for the reaction.

Lizzy, my sister, and my brother's girlfriend actually look happy for me, as much as they look shocked. My brother doesn't really seem to know how to react, but he smiles anyways. My dad doesn't look happy, but I guess he never does, so I tell myself it's ok. And my mom's face turns white.

Lizzy runs up and hugs me. "Oh, Kayley, that's great!" She's saying, and I find relief in at least her approval if not everybody's.

"You've known each other for how long, and you're pregnant?!" My dad yells.

Andy holds me against his side protectively when he feels me flinch. Like, three months, two of which I've been pregnant, and have little to show for it. "I promise, I love your daughter and I don't want to do anything to hurt her," Andy tries to tell my dad, but I know he won't want to hear it.

"You guys aren't even engaged yet, and you got her fucking pregnant!" I don't think Andy was expecting this reaction. He kept telling me they would be fine with it.

"And I plan on staying with her until I die. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure her and this child are happy. I understand how big of a responsibility it is to raise a child, and I am prepared to take it on," he says calmly.

"And how the hell do you plan on doing that?! You're going to be leaving her here to deal with this on her own while you're busy travelling around the world getting every girl on this planet pregnant!"

I flinch at the thought, and I can feel Andy's anger rising at that. "I just said I don't want to do anything but make her happy," he says firmly. "I get it that you don't like me or what I do, but I can promise you that that much is true."

I know he wants to continue, but my mom speaks before either of them can say something. "If this was what you wanted, Kayley, then I'm happy for you," she says, probably just to try to get my dad to calm down, not because she actually means what she said. I give her a thank you look. My dad turns his attention to me and nods in agreement, but glares at Andy again. "I hope you're going to a doctor, though?" She adds. I've always hated any doctor, and I guess she knew I would never go back to any after I moved. I nod. "And you're eating enough?" Of course she is the one to ask me all these questions, no one else knows me as well as she does.

I nod again. "Andy is taking care of me," I say. It's true. If it wasn't for him, I'd probably be dead by now. They don't have to know he's going to be leaving for another month.


	45. Chapter 45

The first couple weeks of the tour goes by. It was pretty lonely, living by myself again. The dreams came back, two or three a night. The cutting came back, once or twice a day, despite my attempts not to. I still talk to Andy, but I don't tell him. He'll just worry. There is nothing he can do when there is an ocean between us.

Anyways, I'm on my way to the airport to pick him up. The tour isn't over, but they have four days off until the next show, and then another couple weeks of touring, so he is coming for a visit. He's just going to see how bad I've gotten and have to leave again. As much as I want to tell him not to come back, I want to see him again. I know I won't be able to talk him out of it, anyways.

I jump out of the car and hug him when I see him. "Oh, Andy, I missed you so much!" I say, clinging to him and finding his lips with mine. I hold the back of his shirt in fists. He drops his bag and tangles his fingers in my hair. I'm kissing him so aggressively I can barely breathe, but it doesn't matter. I don't need air, all I need is him.

"Why don't we get home?" He whispers, pulling his face an inch away. I realize I had started pulling his shirt up, and there's a girl staring at us. She's either a fan, or she was just watching because, well, I would have fucked this hot guy right in front of an airport, in front of anyone who walked by.

I smile and nod.

\-----

"Put me down!" I whine playfully as Andy carries me to my bedroom. He drops me on the bed and lays on top of me, resuming our aggressive kiss. I rap my legs around his waist and pull at his shirt impatiently, but he doesn't let me take his clothes off. I whine, and feel him smirk. He nibbles down my neck, and I tilt my head the other way for him. His teeth bite down where he knows I won't be able to hold back a moan before running his hands up my sides under my shirt. I hug him tighter with my legs, wanting him more and more. Our clothes end up on the floor one piece at a time. His lips continue to move over my body, taking extra time over the more fresh cuts.

"Andy," I whine, clawing at the sheets as he licks gently around my clit. "Stop teasing me!" He pushes his tongue into my entrance. "Andy!" I whine again. He positions himself over me and pushes himself into me, starting his slow thrusts, catching the sensitive spot every time. I moan loudly.

"You're so easy," he teases. I know he's enjoying torturing me like this.

"Go faster!" I complain, his hands running over me, remembering every little thing. I wrap my legs tighter around him again, wanting him deeper, as he lets himself get faster and rougher. I arch my back and scream as I feel myself peaking, tensing up around him as if I can't take any more. I missed having him here with me. He knows me better than anyone else, in ways no one else will ever know me. I feel him exploding inside me. And he is all mine. I know him in ways no one else will. We have a bond no one will be able to break.

He falls to the bed next to me, and I turn to face him. "I missed you, Andy," I whisper.

"I missed you, too, babe," he whispers back. I curl up in his arms. It's pretty late, so I close my eyes to go to sleep. "How many times did you cut today?" He asks. He used to ask 'if' I cut. Now it's 'how many times.'

I look up at him. "You think I went back to it while you were gone?" I say. He just runs his hand up my side, brushing his fingers over the scars. I look away from his eyes. "How many times did you smoke today?"

"None." He was on a plane for a good amount of the day, of course he didn't.

I sigh. "Once," I admit in a small voice, waiting for his reaction. Welcome home, Andy, I cut now. All that you put into my attempt to quit went out the window. He kisses the top of my head. I want to change the subject. "Are you making me go to the doctor again?" I ask.

He sighs now. "Tomorrow," he admits. "One for the baby, and then another for a regular check up."

"Andy!" I yell. "I don't need to get a check up, I'm fine."

"You haven't gotten any vaccines in years, Kayley," he tells me.

"They're going to say I need help," I grunt.

"They can say whatever the fuck they want, but they can't make you do anything. You're just getting a check up."

"They'll make me do anything you tell them to, Andy, you're the one paying them." As much as I don't want him to pay my doctor bills for me, he won't let me pay them myself. And the last doctor would have killed me if he had to, to get everything done Andy had wanted them to.

"Well I'm going to be right there, they won't do anything I don't tell them you need." I just look at him. "You trust me, right?" He asks cautiously.

"I trust you, Andy, I just...I guess I just don't trust the doctors," I squirm for a way to explain myself, but don't come up with anything better.

He hugs me tighter. "I'll be right there with you," he whispers.

I'm quiet again. I'm about to tell him the dreams are coming back, just as a heads up, but decide not to. Hopefully they'll go away again because he's here, I don't want him to worry about it while he's gone if they do go away for now.

I feel like I still fit with him the same way as I did before he left. I guess the baby isn't really in the way of that. I thought I would have gotten bigger by now, but I guess not, and I'm ok with that. I close my eyes. "Good night, Andy," I say.

"Good night," he repeats.

\-----

We wake up and take a shower together like we used to. I don't protest when he picks me up and pins me against the wall for another round. I do my morning routine with the horses. Bailey has started flinging her grain at me when she is eating, which isn't like her.

Andy drives me to the doctor's office. He said he made the appointment with the other doctor here. I still can't help myself, I'm shaking violently.

My name is called, and every muscle in my body locks. I can't breathe. Andy tries to drag me out of my chair, but ends up picking me up instead. It's a different nurse and a different room, but I'm still terrified. Andy puts me down in the chair, and I try to get up, but he puts an arm around my shoulders and gently holds me in place. I whimper.

The nurse, who is typing things on the computer says "this doctor is a lot nicer than the other one, you'll like her." I guess everyone who works here would have heard about what I did last time. There's probably some sort of computer file they send to every doctor in the world with a list of warnings for crazy people, and I'm on it.

The nurse stays when the doctor comes in. Andy stays standing next to me, rubbing my opposite arm in an attempt to comfort me, but I'm still shaking all over. She says hi and asks how I'm doing, but I can't talk. It takes at least an hour for me to get out all the answers to her questions. General stuff, like how I feel, what I eat, how much I've been exercising, that kind of stuff. She told me I can only ride up to my sixth month of pregnancy, which I already knew. I lied for most of the questions to make myself sound 'normal.' I'm sure Andy would have answered most of the questions for me, but he doesn't really know what I've been doing while he has been gone. He probably knows I was lying, though.

"You can lean back in your chair," she says gently, walking over to me.

My hands cling to Andy. "It's ok," he tries to tell me as he pushes my shoulders to the back of the chair. "I'm right here. You can tell me if anything hurts," he's saying, his face in front of mine, blocking my view of the doctor. I feel the button on my jeans being undone, Andy's hands still on my shoulders. I try to keep myself focused on him, his blue eyes, his gentle voice, but when I feel cold hands between my legs, I can't. I bring my knees up protectively, breathing harder. "Shhh, just relax, Kayley. Everything will be ok. I'm right here," Andy is cooing. I'm frozen the way I am. Andy takes one hand off my shoulder to push my knees back down. He keeps one hand on my shoulder and the other one on my knee. I whimper. "You're doing fine." He kisses my head. I feel the doctor's hands again, and I look at Andy, panicking. "I'm right here, I won't let anything happen to you, you'll be fine," he's saying.

The doctor fixes my pants, and I stare up at Andy, hoping that was it, that I'm done, but I hear her pulling out equipment. Andy comes back towards my face and holds both my hands up next to my head. I start to panic again, being in this position, and squeal when I feel my shirt being pulled up. Andy holds my arms still, and continues his calm words as I hyperventilate. My bra is pushed up as the doctor continues to look me over. I whine Andy's name. "I'm right here, baby, you're fine," he's saying. My bra is fixed, and then I feel the cold gel and equipment being rubbed against my stomach. I whimper persistently until she stops and fixes my clothes.

"You're all done," the doctor says, and Andy lets go of one hand, praising me. "This is your ultrasound." I look at it, not really knowing what I'm seeing. "The baby seems to be developing properly, although it is somewhat small. We should keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn't run into any other problems, but otherwise everything looks fine." I nod numbly, still shaking, unable to take anything in. "We could do a test to see if the baby might develop things such as Down Syndrome, where we take some fluid from--"

"No," I interrupt her. I'm the only one allowed to stick needles in me. Andy will probably make me get it eventually, anyways.

"I do recommend you go to a regular doctor for a check up, though." After that, I stop listening altogether. I don't care about my health. I'm not going to do anything she tells me to do, anyways. If she says anything I really care about, Andy'll hear it.

I walk out of the office clinging to Andy. He made me another appointment for when he gets back from tour. "One down, one more to go," he says, pulling out of the parking lot. "You did very well," he adds.

"The baby isn't healthy," I mutter. As much as I might not have wanted it, I still love it. It's scary to think I'm responsible for another human, but I do care about it. I am literally growing another human inside of me, it's kind of hard not to feel some sort of attachment to it.

"Well, it would probably help if you ate something," he mumbles. "How about we get something to eat right now."

"I'm not hungry."

"Yeah, I know, but the baby is. You're going to starve it, Kayley, you have to eat. Stop thinking about yourself." I glare at him. I want to yell at him, that it's not true, but I can't. He knows I care about it, as much as I might not want to admit it. It's just lucky for him that I have to take care of myself to be able to help the baby.

"If this thing is always so hungry, then why does it make me puke up everything I eat?"

We get some food, which I pick at, and then go to the next doctor. I haven't been here in years. I go through all the usual, Andy keeping me from losing my mind the whole time. They tell me I'm underweight, especially for someone who is almost three months pregnant. And they told me a shit ton of vaccines I'm due for, some I can't get while I'm pregnant, some I can't get if I'm getting others, some I would have to come back to get the second half of, all that fun stuff. I don't know how Andy figures it out, but he decides which ones I'm getting. I hate shots, and I don't really understand why. Cutting is totally fine with me, but something about the idea of putting a needle in my arm that is deliberately putting germs in my body just doesn't sit well with me. When Andy finds that out, he does his best to keep my mind off the needles being put in my arm, but I can't stop myself from flailing in protest. I end up sitting in Andy's lap so he can cover my eyes and hold my arms still. It's not that it hurts, I guess I'm just a mess. If anyone else were to try to refrain me like this, I'd break their jaw. Andy has a way of doing this that is both effective and comforting, I guess.

We go back home, and I go right outside to the barn and feed lunch. I sit on the fence, Andy with one arm around my shoulders, and watch them eat, trying to calm myself down. "I'm sorry you had to go through that," he says.

"I'm sorry I'm such a kid about it," I mutter.

"You did good, Kayley, and you're getting better."

"How am I getting better? You still had to hold me down so I wouldn't punch anybody."

"You're still getting used to it, but you did better this time."

"When am I getting the results for that blood test?" I ask. They took blood at the doctor's office, which I guess I was best for that part. I found it interesting to see the blood coming out of my arm and through a needle. I don't care how weird that sounds.

"Like, a week or two. They're mailing it to you," he says.

"They're not sending it to you?" He paid for everything, I would have thought they had his address.

"Do you want them to?" He looks at me suspiciously. "I do want to see it, though."

My stomach drops. I know they won't be good. I'll be vitamin-everything deficient, and everything else. I barely eat, and I puke everything up when I do. "Ok."


	46. Chapter 46

I brought Andy back to the airport to finish the tour. He didn't want to leave when he realized that I had started cutting again, but I couldn't let him stay.

And I waited as another three weeks slowly passed by for him to come back again. My mom calls me obsessively since we told her I was pregnant, and she came to visit. I guess it doesn't look that bad, I should probably be fatter by now, but I didn't tell her until two months later, so I guess I look ok to her. I got the results for that blood test back. I'll just tell him I never got it if he asks. It was good, I guess, everything I can't control was good. But everything I can control with my diet was bad. Andy won't be happy with me.

Andy just came back from the rest of the tour yesterday. Our reunion went the same way as the one a couple weeks ago. I don't realize how much I haven't grown until I'm in his arms and nothing feels like it has changed. If anything, I'm losing weight. Andy doesn't comment on it, but I'm sure he noticed. I get to go to that doctor again in a couple days. But today, we can go back to the way things had been before. At least, almost. Andy is hovering over me wherever I go to make sure I'm ok. He doesn't want me to cut. I've been more regular about it again, when I shower in the morning and again around two, but I couldn't really do that this morning when he was right there. So we almost go back to normal. We both ride Bailey, and we talk about what happened while he was on tour, and how the horses are doing and all that. I've been looking to train horses again, even though I know I shouldn't. I won't be allowed to ride soon. Not that I think it's going to stop me, really. One person is looking for help training a thoroughbred she rescued from an auction. I should be picking him up in about a week. Andy wasn't too thrilled when I told him that. I don't blame him, it's a horse someone thinks is crazy, and I get to see it every day.

\-----

I was dragged to the doctor once again. It went pretty much the same. The doctor wasn't happy about me losing weight. And Andy must have had the results for the blood test sent here, too, because she knows all that. Andy got to see them. He's not happy with me for not eating enough. The ultrasound was, well, I guess I'm not taking very good care of the baby. It's developing slower than it should be and it's still quite small, but it is alive. The doctor tells me to eat more, and Andy says he'll make sure I do.

So when we get home, he brings me in the house and tells me to eat lunch. I tell him I'm not hungry, and he gets frustrated. "You're going to kill yourself and the baby if you don't eat, Kayley. You're not going outside until you eat something." He blocks my way when I try to go for the back door.

"I have to give the horses lunch," I tell him patiently.

"Well then you should probably eat something or they'll get hungry."

I glare up at him. "Can you just give me a minute? I'll eat something after I feed the horses." He grabs my wrists and drags me towards the refrigerator. I squirm, but he doesn't let me leave. I end up picking at what he gives me, and then bolt out the door to the barn. Andy follows me out more slowly and watches as I throw the horses their hay. He laughs when Bailey throws it back at me. "It's not funny! I don't know why she's been so picky!"

"She learns from you," he answers, and I glare at him. "Well? She started after I left for tour, and that was when you stopped eating," he says. "She wants you to eat."

I look back at Bailey. "How would she know? I hardly ever eat in front of her, anyways."

He shrugs. "She knew you were pregnant before you did, didn't she? And she knew you cut? She knows you, Kayley."

I sigh. "This baby is going to die," I mumble.

"Yeah," he agrees.

"Andy!" I exclaim.

"What?" He asks innocently.

"You're not supposed to agree with me!"

"Well, if you keep treating yourself like this, that's what's going to happen."

"You're not supposed to tell me that," I pout. He just shrugs. "Do you even care if it dies? You said you didn't want kids yet."

"Of course I care, Kayley. I want it to be ok, but you are still my first priority." I don't answer.

\-----

"I'll be back in an hour, Andy, you don't have to come with me," I tell him. I have the trailer hooked up to my truck, and I'm ready to pick up my next project horse, Rocco. I know he's nervous about me being around this horse. I didn't tell him everything the owner told me about him. It'll just make Andy worry more.

"I'll just sit in the car," he says.

"I'm fine, ok? Don't worry about it." I grab my keys and walk out the front door, closing the door behind me so he won't follow.

I make the trip to where the owner is boarding the horse. I came to meet her and Rocco before I agreed to anything. He was like every other horse I have trained. Misunderstood. No one had ever bothered to take the time to get to know him. Everyone just tries to 'train' him by forcing him into doing things, and he resorts to his instincts. The owner had good intentions when she decided to make her first horse a rescue, but ended up with one she couldn't handle. She found out his history from the tattoo all racehorses have on the inside of their lip. He was used for racing, like every other thoroughbred, and did poorly. The breeder still wanted to make some money off of him, so he used him as a chase horse, the one they use to train thoroughbreds to race by, well, having them chase a horse. After that, he was sent to an auction, where most of the horses end up in a slaughterhouse. He was forced to run as fast as he could, and then expected to be someone's first horse. He had obviously never had any sort of kind treatment, only force.

I pull the trailer up next to the barn, where I find the woman waiting for me. She says the horse hates trailers, so I get to start training right now, I guess.

I put my rope halter on Rocco and walk him towards the open trailer, where he refuses, and I immediately send him in a circle. He jumps at the command and picks up a canter. The idea is to keep the horse moving unless it is doing what you want. Letting it stand still is its reward. So I keep the horse moving, and drop my attention to the ground when he slows to a trot and drops his head next to the trailer, asking him to pick up a canter again when his attention goes back to anything else. His front two feet land on the ramp, and he stops in his tracks, his head dropping to sniff it, before he changes his mind and goes back to trotting a circle around me. He does it again. Getting curious, he starts to move up the ramp to look inside, ears perked. He puts another foot on the ramp, and then trots around again. He stops when he comes back to the trailer and starts to move up the ramp to look inside, but I back him up. You don't want to put him on a trailer before you know if you're going to be able to back him out of it. And it plays with their heads. First, you wanted them on the trailer, now you don't. It's like when you tell someone the opposite of what you want because you know they're just going to do the opposite of what you say. He looks at me, ears perked. I send him back up the ramp, and out again, and again, letting him a little further into the trailer each time. I walk him in a circle around the whole trailer, and when I walk up the ramp, he follows me willingly. No forcing, no bribing, and he did what I wanted.

The owner looks at me, shocked, and I just smile. They just want to know that they can trust the people telling them what to do. I take half the payment before I train the horse, and the other half after, so she pays me and I'm on my way home.

Andy is happy to see me when I get home. He was worried this 'crazy' horse might kill me. "You're helping me train this horse, you know," I tell him.

"Me? How am I supposed to do that?" He asks, confused.

"Because I'm going to be the one training him, he's going to respect me, but I need him to learn to treat everyone the same, so you're going to be working with him, too."

"What did you do before I got here?"

"You're not going to be the only person helping me with this," I say. "Lizzy will be working with him, and I'll use him for lessons, too." I open the back of the trailer before I go around the front to back him out. I turn him out in the ring because I only have three paddocks, and he trots around, investigating his new surroundings. Bailey neighs to the new horse, who answers anxiously.

I go in the barn to get him and the rest of the horses their lunch. Bailey is still throwing her food at me, even though Andy is making me eat more. He hasn't been letting me go outside to feed the horses until I eat. I don't think I've really gained any weight back, but I don't think I'm losing any more, either. I still puke almost every morning. I sit on the fence of the ring, letting the horse get used to me being there. He just watches me curiously as he picks at the hay.

"Do you have any lessons today?" Andy asks.

"I have two later," I answer.

"Where are you putting him?"

"Bailey's paddock."

"He'll be ok for you to walk him over there?"

"Stop worrying, Andy, it's not a far walk. And he'll be fine. I just put him in here so he had more room if he wanted to run around. He's being kept at a fancy show barn, they live in a stall all day." Commercial barns don't generally give their horses much turn out time, so the only time they get to move is when they're being ridden. It doesn't go well for a horse like him who is used to running as fast as he can every day. The owner said he gets two hours of turn out a day. I'll probably try to put him back on that schedule a week or two before he is supposed to go back, but for now, I'll let him be a horse and enjoy his life a little more.


	47. Chapter 47

It's been a week since I got Rocco, and he is eager to please on the ground. Andy has been reluctant to let me ride him, but his ground manners are impeccable. I've walked him through the trails to see how he would react, and he didn't get excited at anything. I've been desensitizing him to anything I can think of. Dragging branches while I lead him, putting tarps over him, blindfolding him, balloons, umbrellas, plastic bags, anything. I had no problem getting him to look to me for guidance in situations. I've had Andy, Lizzy, and an 11 year old student and her mom walk him around to see if he would still behave, and he was fine.

So I'm going to ride today. I'm just going to put the halter on him and see if he does anything 'bad.' His owner says he likes to buck and take off. I'm using minimum tack, in case he was doing that because there was some piece of equipment he didn't like that was causing all that.

I climb the fence and gently sit on his back. I let him stand there as he thinks about what he wants to do. I can feel him itching to go the second I'm on his back. Andy and Lizzy are watching eagerly. After a second, he picks up a canter. I pull the right rein hard, forcing him into a fast, tight circle. I spin him around a couple times before I stop and tell him to back up. He stands there, chewing. Horses chew when they just experience something they think is worth taking note of. I tell him to walk, and he moves around the ring quietly. I ride for about half an hour, walk and trot, and he doesn't try anything else. He is back to his eager-to-please self.

I continue to ride him bareback for about a week, walk, trot, and canter. I start to introduce the tack his owner had been using on him one piece at a time. He takes everything fine in another week. I let other people ride or handle him whenever I can. I took him to a show, not to compete, but just to ride him around the show ground to see how he would be with all the people and other horses around. He was perfectly well behaved.

Before I know it, my month with Rocco is coming to an end. I'm bringing him back to his old barn tomorrow. I rode him for the last time today. I would have ridden for longer, but my head starts to hurt, so I let Andy ride him while he cools off and I watch. We take him into the barn and Andy puts him on cross ties and untacks him before he goes in his stall. "Is everything ok?" Andy asks suspiciously.

"I'm fine," I answer.

"Is it 'cause you're going to miss him?" He asks, putting his arms around me.

I should just say yes, let him think that's my problem, but I shake my head. "I'm fine, Andy," I say again. I know he won't believe me.

"Do you feel ok, then?"

I hesitate, but admit it. "I just have a little headache."

"Let's go inside and get you some aspirin, then," he says, taking my hand and starts leading me up to the house.

"You know I don't have any," I whine. I still don't like to keep it in the house. I'm trying to quit cutting again, not that I really officially quit in the first place, but I was doing better. And I'm doing ok now, too, but I don't like giving myself the option.

"Well then you go inside and sit down, and I'll go to the store and get some," he says. He opens the door and walks me in.

"I'm fine, Andy, really," I protest, but there is another sharp pain in my head and I wince.

"Just sit down on the couch and I'll be back in 15 minutes, ok?" He leads me to the couch before grabbing the keys to my truck and walking out the door.

I lay down and close my eyes, hoping it will make the pain go away, but it keeps coming, more and more. It feels like someone is banging a hammer on my head repeatedly, harder and harder. I groan when the pain starts to come in my stomach, too. I don't generally like to take painkillers, or any kind of medication, but right now, I just want Andy to come home with anything that might make this go away.

I get up and go to get some cold water, hoping that might help. I usually get headaches during the summer because of the heat, and anything cold will help. But it still doesn't go away. I think about taking a knife out of the kitchen drawer to distract myself with a different kind of pain, but decide not to. Andy should be back any minute.

So I start to walk back towards the couch. Another stab in the stomach, more painful than any other so far. My vision blurs. I grunt and tell myself I just have to make it to the couch. Another worse one, and my knees give out. I crumble to the floor, laying on my back and clutching my stomach, and I want to scream. Not that anyone is around to help me or hear me or anything. I put one hand on the floor next to me, whimpering, and the ground is wet. I hold my hand in front of my face to look at it. It's covered in dark red liquid. _That's not mine_ , I tell myself. It can't be, I don't know where it would be coming from if it was. The stabs of pain keep coming. I curl up in a ball, trying to hide my stomach from the invisible force, but it doesn't help. I close my eyes because I can't see straight anyways and whimper like a puppy.

I hear the front door open and groan for help. Andy comes running over, putting my top half in his lap as he tries to comfort me. I open my eyes to look at him, find comfort in seeing him, but all I see is red. I hear him telling someone what's happening, telling them we need an ambulance. I realize slowly that he's on the phone.

"No I don't, I'll be fine," I groan. I don't need to go to a hospital. I'll be fine. My heart is racing and my hands are shaking, but I'll be fine. It's just a stomach ache.

"It'll be ok, Kayley, everything will be ok," he's trying to calm me down, but I can hear the anxiety in his voice. I don't think he even heard me. I hear sirens, but they're fading, and the red I see is fading into black.

\-----

I wake up to beeping and white walls. Again. I look down at myself. So many tubes and needles. I'm in a hospital gown this time. Andy is holding my hand, his head down.

I whimper Andy's name, and he looks at me, a mixture of relief and sadness on his face. "The baby, Andy," I manage to start.

He looks at me with sad blue eyes. "We lost the baby, Kayley," he whispers.

No. I didn't. That's not true. It's fine. Everything is fine. This is just another dream. I'll wake up soon, and it'll all go away. I'm still pregnant, you can't just lose a baby like that.

I just stare at him blankly, waiting for something else to be said, something to wake me up, anything. "I'm so sorry," is all he says, putting his head back down on my hand.

"You're lying, Andy," I say angrily. He looks back at me, clearly upset. He's not lying. I make a choking sound, followed by some more unnatural wailing noises.

Two nurses come running in. I guess they heard me. But I don't care. I keep crying, kicking out at them in frustration. Andy is trying desperately to calm me down, but I ignore him. I keep kicking and screaming. This will all end soon.

My arm feels cold. Like someone replaced my blood with ice. I try to scream, but I'm getting tired. My eyelids get heavier, and I can't help closing them. I keep whimpering as I drift off to sleep.

\-----

Andy and I are at the beach, watching as a little boy with bright blue eyes builds a sandcastle. I look down at myself. I'm in a two piece bathing suit, the scars barely visible anymore. I look over at Andy, who smiles at me. He's in swim shorts and a tee shirt.

"Look what I made, Mommy!" The boy in front of me is saying, pointing to his pile of sand.

\-----

When I wake up again, I'm in the same place. I want to go back to sleep. Whatever they knocked me out with, I want more of it. I want to go back to that world I was in, the way things could have been.

Andy is still sitting next to me. I want him to go away. This is all his fault. If he never left for tour, he would have made sure I was ok. If the doctors hadn't added more stress to everything, the baby would be ok. If they hadn't given me all those vaccines, put all those chemicals in me, I'd still be pregnant right now.

He looks up at me and sees me watching him. He tries to comfort me, but I block him out. I don't need it. I'm fine. He sighs when he realizes I'm not listening. "They want to keep you here for a day or two," he says.

I glare at him and talk for the first time since I woke up from that dream. "I don't need it."

"They just want to make sure everything else is ok," he tells me.

"Ok? It's not 'ok,' Andy. Everything is wrong, and you know it. And it's all your fault," I say seriously. He looks at me, shocked, and doesn't say anything. "Ok, fine," I continue. "I'll stay here, if that means you can't be hovering over me. They aren't making sure everything is 'ok,' are they? They're just putting me in some padded cell in a straight jacket so I don't fucking kill myself, right? Sure, Andy, that's going to help me so much. Have them do whatever the hell you want with me, I don't care. But I promise you, the minute they let me out of this hell hole, I'm going to kill myself. I don't want to deal with this shit anymore." I shouldn't admit this to him out loud, but I don't care. I want to say anything I can that will hurt him. It's not like I'm lying, anyways. "I don't want to see you again," I finish, waiting for a reaction, waiting to see his pain.

He looks at me, his mouth open slightly, shocked. "Ok," he agrees calmly after a minute. He gets up and walks out of the room, closing the door quietly behind him.

I scream and bang my fists on the bed. I rip the tubes out of my arms, setting off alarms, but I don't care. More people come running into the room, and I punch and kick at them, but they won't go away. My arm goes cold again, and I fall back to sleep.


	48. Chapter 48

I stay in the hospital for three days. It isn't really suicide watch, I guess, but I'm sure that's part of it. I'm not allowed to have shoes, and I'm not allowed to be alone. There is always someone watching me, and I don't care. I refuse to say anything to anyone. I refuse to eat, but they keep sticking needles in me, which I don't refuse, hoping they'll accidentally kill me or something, but I guess they're 'feeding' me somehow. I don't care how any of it works. I don't bother to pretend I'm ok. I don't care what they think, all I want right now is to be dead and nothing can change that. No amount of medication or therapy or anything will help me. All I want to do is lay here.

All this got me was time to think. It doesn't help. I kicked Andy out of my life. I told him this was his fault. I told him I never want to see him again. I'm sure he feels guilty enough about this, and I just yelled at him. This is my fault, not his. I was the one who killed this child. All he wanted to do was help me. I don't deserve him. He's too good for me.

When Andy walks into the room on my last day in that hospital, I can't look at him. He sits on the edge of the bed next to me. I can feel the sting of tears coming to my eyes as he takes my hand. "Are you ready to come home, Kayley?" He asks quietly.

\-----

The doctors do not recommend taking me out of there yet, but Andy knows I would go crazy. Well, crazier. They pump more chemicals into me before they send me home. I cry the whole way home, telling Andy how sorry I am that I said all that crap before, I'm sorry I killed our baby, sorry I'm not good enough for him. He lets me vent out all my emotions, say everything that came to mind while I was trapped there. He looks like he hasn't slept in days, and he probably hasn't. We stop at CVS to drop off some prescriptions. I told Andy not to bother, but he does anyways. It's not like I'm going to take them.

As soon as we get home, I tell Andy I have to go to the bathroom. I'm not sure if that's what he expected. I think he wanted me to go out to the barn first, but I'm sure he knows I just want to die, too. He looks reluctant to let me out of his sight, but I don't plan on letting him follow me into the bathroom. "They gave me no fucking privacy, Andy, they watched me do everything. I tried to hold it as much as possible and I really have to piss, ok? I'm fine."

He doesn't want to let me, but he does. He's hovering outside the bathroom door. I open all the drawers, looking for anything sharp, and there is nothing there. He took everything out of here. I sit down and slam my fists into my knees, drag my nails over my skin, anything that might cause pain while I fill up the bathtub. "Everything ok in there?" I hear Andy ask worriedly from the other side of the door.

"Everything is just dandy," I call back sarcastically.

"You've been in there a while," he answers.

"Fuck off," I say bitterly.

He's quiet for a minute and I turn off the water. "I told them not to put you on suicide watch," he says.

"Thanks," I mutter, loud enough for him to hear.

"They still didn't let you take visitors," he continues.

"Yeah," I say, laying in the tub, not caring that my clothes are getting wet.

"I thought you would have wanted to be alone, but they still wanted someone watching you."

"Thanks," I say again, waiting for him to stop talking, but he keeps going.

"I have you're phone, too. Your mom called."

"What did she want?"

"Just to check how you were doing."

"You talked to her?"

"Mhm."

"What did you say?"

"I told her we lost the baby," he says. I splash the water angrily. "I told her you weren't taking visitors at the hospital, so she wanted to talk to you when you got out." He can't even see me, and he knows how to talk me out of this. "Hey, are you done in there yet?"

"One minute," I say. I want to do this, I want to drown myself. I don't want to live. My mom deserves someone better, too. Someone who doesn't kill unborn children. _She'll be happy I'm gone_ , I tell myself.

"I'm coming in," he says, and I hear the door handle.

"Just give me a second, ok?!" I yell, putting my face in the water. I take a breath, choking on the water, and I start coughing, but keep myself under.

I feel someone pulling me out of the water, and I cough violently as my body tries to push the water out of my burning lungs. My feet aren't on the ground, and Andy is squeezing my stomach. I keep coughing, spitting up water, until he puts me down, hugging me. "Oh, Kayley, why would you do that?" He's whimpering. I didn't mean to upset him. He's better off with me dead, anyways. I'm just holding him back. "Promise me you won't do this again," he says when he calms down, looking at me. His eyes are red.

"Don't cry, Andy..." I try to say.

"Promise me, Kayley," he says again, more firmly.

"Andy..." He just waits. "I don't want to make any promises I can't keep," I admit, once again.

"I'm not going to let you, then. You aren't allowed out of my sight, ok?" That's nothing new.

\-----

He doesn't let me out of his sight, like he said, for the next week. I mostly just lay in bed. I don't do anything. I feed the horses and clean the stalls and paddocks, but that's pretty much it. I don't deserve a horse like Bailey, I don't deserve someone like Andy, I don't deserve parents that care. I refuse to eat or take the medication, and when Andy tries to tell me I can't see the horses until I do like he used to, I just go back to bed. He gets me to drink some water or eat a couple bites of something every once in a while. I know he is hiding the medication in it, but it doesn't help, anyways. Andy paid someone to pick up the horse I was training and bring it back to the barn it came from, and I got the rest of the money for it.

I come in the house after feeding the horses their lunch and grab my car keys. "Where are we going?" Andy asks.

" _I'm_ going to the store," I say, headed for the front door, and he follows me. "I'll be back in 15 minutes, you can stay here."

"How about I drive?" He suggests.

"I'm fine, Andy."

"Well I don't need you killing other people in your suicide attempts, Kayley. I'm coming with you," he says.

I turn to look at him. "What makes you think I would kill other people, Andy? Everything I do is for someone else. This world is better off without me, but I'm not taking strangers down with me. I'll be fine." I don't like that he would even think about me killing another person. He takes the keys. "Andy!" I yell.

He takes my hand and drags me out to the car. "I'm driving," he tells me. "So where are we going?"

"I don't care," I mutter. I really was going to go to the store, I didn't really know which one, though.

"I think CVS and Stop & Shop are the only ones I know how to get to," he says. "Either of those work for you?"

"Stop & Shop, I guess." He nods and pulls the truck out of the driveway.

When we park, he opens the door to get up. "You can stay in the car, if you want," I say. He just looks at me. "You have to trust me eventually, Andy. You can't keep following me around like this." He still doesn't say anything. "You don't even let me go to the bathroom by myself, you can calm down a little bit. I'm not going to do anything, ok?"

"You keep saying you're ok, but you never mean it," he finally says.

I get up and slam the door. "Alright, fine, come with me, I don't care," I say. I have my own money. He's not going to want to pay for this, anyways. He isn't going to be happy with what I'm getting.

"Kayley," he calls as I walk away. I turn to look at him. "You'll be back in 15 minutes?" He says, standing next to the open door of my truck. I nod. "I'll wait here."

Ok, good. I guess he's going to start trying to give me my privacy back, then. I haven't cut in so long, and I've been dying to go back, I don't care how much I shouldn't. I was able to slip something up with the scissors or something every once in a while before the baby died, but it's not the same.

I find what I'm looking for. I don't know how to tell which is the strongest, but I find a bottle of Jack Daniels and a new handheld pencil sharpener. I buy some other things, mostly just treats for the horses, too. I throw out the package for the sharpener on my way out and stuff it in my pocket, in case Andy decides to look at what I bought. I throw the two bags in the backseat. "Good?" Andy asks, looking me over for anything obvious.

"I'm fine, Andy," I say.

I drop one bag on the counter and head down the hall with the other. "Where are you going with that?" Andy says, following me.

"The bathroom, if that's ok?" I turn around to look at him. "If you really have to know, it's for my fucking period, ok?" I lie. "I didn't die before, can you just give me a minute?"

I know he doesn't believe me, but I just stare back at him, trying to look as confident as possible. He wants me to prove it to him, but I can't. All I can do is pretend it's true. He finally gives in. I can't help thinking about how stupid it is to let me get away with this.

I close the door and sit on the edge of the sink. All I can think about is how much better the world would be without me. As much as I'd rather just kill myself, I know Andy won't let me. I just want a break from it. I pop the bottle open and welcome the burn in my throat that comes when I swallow it. I take a break to breathe, and realize about half the bottle is gone already. That's probably not healthy or safe, but I don't know and I don't care. I chug the rest of the bottle. My vision blurs and I blink. There's a fuzzy feeling in my head. I try to stand up, but I feel my legs bend as I fall to the floor. I hear a crash and I giggle.

"Kayley? I'm coming in," I hear someone saying quietly.

I see a fuzzy face above me and I giggle again. "Hey," I say, smiling.

"Oh, Kayley, really? What did you do?" He says, sounding rather disappointed.

"What's wrong? I didn't do anything, I'm fine!" I try to stand up. My legs feel wobbly and I giggle. "You should try some of that stuff!" I say, smiling. My feet come off the ground and I scream happily. "Where are we going?!" I yell at him. "Hey, wanna have sex?" I ask, laughing. "I haven't done that in so long because I was so sad, but I feel better now, so I think we should." I weakly try to undo the button on my jeans.

"Keep your pants on, Kayley," he says, annoyed.

"But I wanna have sex! Come on, please?" I beg, kicking. He puts me down on the kitchen counter and I grab at his pants, but he throws a cup of water at my face. I scream. "Andy!"

He does it again. "You have to wake the fuck up!" He yells, throwing more water at me.

"Andy, stop!" I try to say, spitting. I reach to turn off the sink.

"I get it that you're upset we lost the baby, and that life sucks, and all that, but it's part of life," he says, putting down the cup. "Everyone goes through shit, and everyone has to learn to deal with it. You have to find something other than cutting and drinking, Kayley. There are plenty of people here, like me, or your family, or Bailey, that will try to comfort you, but we can't do everything for you. If you don't try to get better yourself, you never will."

"Can we just have sex?" I whimper sadly, not enjoying being yelled at.

He sighs in annoyance before turning to some bottles on the counter next to me and fills the cup with water again. I hold my hands in front of my face, expecting him to splash me again. "Take these," he says, handing me the cup of water and a few pills.

I take them from his hand. "What are they for?" I ask, swallowing them anyways.

"That's the medication you keep refusing to take," he says with a stern face. I splash the extra water at him and giggle. "What the fuck, Kayley?!" he yells, annoyed.

"You did it to me!" I yell back.

He shakes his head, at a loss for words, before picking me up. "You're taking a nap."

I giggle as he carries me to my bedroom and puts me on the bed. That must be code for sex. I pull at his pants, but he gets up and walks to the door. "Andy," I whine.

"We can have sex when you wake up, ok? I'm cleaning up the mess you made right now, just take a nap first," he tells me. I pout, but do what I'm told.


	49. Chapter 49

"You want me to trust you, and every time I give you any sort of freedom, you do something stupid!" Andy yells when I wake up and try to apologize. "If you were sorry, you would stop fucking doing that."

"I can't help it," I whimper.

"Look at yourself, Kayley. You're being such a hypocrite. Your best friend kills herself, and you talk about how other people shouldn't commit suicide, but you keep trying anyways. You don't like it when I drink, but you do it anyways. You get so upset when your horse doesn't eat, but you haven't willingly eaten anything in months." He just stares me down, and I can't look at him. "You think everything you do is to benefit someone else, but you're just making things harder for everyone around you."

"Then just leave, Andy, ok? I keep telling you to leave so you don't have to deal with it, I'll just take care of it myself, I'd rather be dead anyways," I yell back at him. "You won't be happy if you're here to watch me fall apart, but you won't be happy if I just died. What do you want me to do, then? Why don't you stop telling me what not to do and give me some suggestions?"

He's quiet for a second before saying "What about drawing?"

"What?" We went from arguing to drawing?

"You just asked for suggestions, what to do with all these emotions. Could you use the drawing for that?"

I just look at him. Taking the emotions I feel and putting them into art, instead of just trying to hide from them? "I can try," I agree reluctantly. I don't know how, but I can try.

He hugs me. "Thank you, Kayley," he says.

"I'm going out to the barn," I say when he lets go of me.

\-----

A month later, I still feel guilty, but I guess I'm doing better. I still refuse to take the medication the doctors gave me. I don't need anything artificial. It won't make anything better. Andy is probably hiding it in my food, though. I am eating more, at least. Not three meals a day, but I never really did that anyways.

I draw for about an hour a day. It helps more than I expected. It helps give me something to focus on, other than how much life sucks. It puts the emotions into creating instead of destroying. I draw really slowly so nothing gets done all that fast and the things I draw, well, they're kind of dark, and I guess they aren't helping me forget anything, but I never will, so it doesn't matter. It's a part of my past, it's a part of my story. I can't change it, and I can't forget it.

And I still have dreams. I haven't cut myself in my sleep, though. And Andy is giving me back my freedom, too. At least, the way it used to be. He was pretty much always around me, anyways. Not that that's a bad thing, I like knowing he's always there for me. So things are getting better.

Andy asked me if I wanted to try again with the whole parenting thing, and I said no without thinking about it for a second. I don't want to go through that again.

I'm thinking about moving to LA with Andy. He won't admit it, but I know he misses his own home. It would be good for me, too, to get away from here. There are so many good memories here, but also some that I wouldn't mind getting away from. Of course, Bailey would have to come with me.

But everything is ok, and slowly getting better. Andy and I are strong enough to stay together through whatever life wants to throw at us, we're inseparable and I've accepted that no matter what we do, he'll always care about me, and I'll always care about him. That's just how it is, and I'm ok with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to anyone who read that, I realize it started out kind of slow, so thank you! Does anyone want a part 2? :)


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